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On this episode of The

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bariatric experience podcast,

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how many times has somebody

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asked you to do something that

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you didn't want to do? And you

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said yes, just so they wouldn't

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feel bad. If you're anything

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like me way too many times. On

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this episode, we're talking

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about how to push pause on

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people pleasing. Stay tuned.

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Welcome to the bariatric

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experience the podcast created

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for you, the surgery recipient

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are hopeful to provide real life

0:27

stories and tangible actions to

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ensure your long term success.

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I'm Lindsay Uri, and each week,

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you'll hear from experts and

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real people that have been

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through this journey, providing

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their best tools to help you

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succeed and show you that you

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are not alone. Thanks for

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spending some time with me. Now

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let's jump in.

0:52

What is up friends, Lindsay here

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Hope you guys are all doing

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well. And everyone is healthy

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and safe and not going crazy

1:01

during these wild 2020 times. So

1:01

on this episode, I wanted to

1:08

talk to you guys about people

1:08

pleasing. This last week, if you

1:13

saw my Facebook post earlier, or

1:13

a guest last week that things

1:19

kind of felt really heavy for me today.

1:22

And it kind of felt like that

1:22

was like the vibe happening.

1:26

Kind of for a lot of people like

1:26

a lot of people that I talked to

1:29

were feeling the same way. I

1:29

don't know if mercury was in

1:33

retrograde or whatever happens

1:33

out there in the universe. But

1:38

something was going up on

1:38

yesterday or last week that was

1:42

a little bit heavy. I found my

1:42

anxiety was a little bit higher,

1:48

you know, all the COVID talk

1:48

seem to be ramping up locally

1:53

where I am. And I just was

1:53

feeling kind of like the

1:55

heaviness again of what was

1:55

happening. And then also the

2:00

stress and weight of the

2:00

holidays coming kind of always

2:04

adds especially as a mom, that

2:04

added level of stress to the

2:10

season, which I'm really trying

2:10

to, like eliminate a lot of and

2:15

that's kind of where I got the

2:15

thoughts around doing this

2:19

episode because a lot of my

2:19

stress and anxiety for the

2:23

holidays comes from my people

2:23

pleasing nature. So I have been

2:30

a people pleaser for my entire

2:30

life. I think that as a female,

2:38

a lot of the times girls

2:38

especially are taught to be

2:41

pleasers. From childhood, that's

2:41

a whole different tangent that I

2:48

will save for Maybe another time

2:48

or not. But I think a lot of

2:53

people pleasing comes from that.

2:53

But a bigger part of it for me.

2:59

And my own journey through my

2:59

life with my weight has been a

3:04

lot of my people pleasing. I can

3:04

attribute back to my weight. I

3:09

always felt like I needed to

3:09

overcompensate for other areas

3:13

of my life when my weight was

3:13

not out of control. But if I

3:20

felt like my weight was

3:20

hindering me from doing the

3:24

things I wanted to do or getting

3:24

the things that I wanted to get.

3:28

So I overcompensated with people

3:28

pleasing because if I made

3:32

people happy, then I that put

3:32

value back on to me. And I could

3:38

attribute that like well I make

3:38

people happy. Therefore it means

3:42

that I'm valuable. So that's a

3:42

whole deep tunnel that therapist

3:49

will probably dive into at some

3:49

point. But the people pleasing

3:54

thing I have found has come up

3:54

more and more for me, especially

3:59

since I've lost the weight.

3:59

Maybe I've just maybe I can say

4:04

I've just gained confidence. And

4:04

that's you know, what has been a

4:09

flag for me. But more so than

4:09

that I've really realized that

4:13

people pleasing is a big source

4:13

of anxiety for me. So if you

4:20

don't know what people pleasing

4:20

is, I figured or if maybe you

4:26

don't know that you're a true

4:26

people pleaser. I'm going to

4:29

kind of break this episode down

4:29

into kind of three things. So

4:33

the first thing is is how to

4:33

identify people pleasing, then

4:38

we're going to talk about how

4:38

people pleasing prevents growth,

4:41

and then how to stop it in its

4:41

tracks. So we're gonna kind of

4:44

go through the three things. So

4:44

first, let's talk about how to

4:48

identify people pleasing

4:48

behavior. So if you want if you

4:55

are thinking that you're a

4:55

people pleaser, or you're in a

4:57

certain situation where you're

4:57

not sure if decision that you

5:01

are making is something to

5:01

please someone else or it is

5:05

something that you actually

5:05

want, I want you to ask yourself

5:07

these two questions. The first

5:07

question I want you to ask

5:11

yourself is, do you feel guilty about saying no? Do you

5:13

feel guilty? If you have to say

5:19

no to someone? And the second

5:19

one is, Do you regret saying

5:25

yes. So if you have said no to

5:25

somebody, and then your

5:30

immediate response, like mine

5:30

always is, is when I know

5:35

somebody wants me to do

5:35

something for them. And it's not

5:39

something that I'm either

5:39

prepared to do or can do for

5:42

them, as soon as I tell them

5:42

that I can't, regardless of what

5:46

their response is positive or

5:46

negative to my response to their

5:50

request, if my if your immediate

5:50

response is guilt, that was a

5:56

people pleasing decision, and

5:56

that is completely a trigger.

6:00

The second thing is, is Do you

6:00

regret saying yes, so if someone

6:05

asks you to do something, and in

6:05

your head, you're going, Oh, my

6:08

gosh, I really don't want to do

6:08

this, but Okay, fine. And then

6:12

as soon as you say, Yes, your

6:12

first thought is why, why? Why

6:17

did I say yes to that? I don't

6:17

want to do this. You know, this

6:21

feeling. This one for me tends

6:21

to come up more, I say, I say

6:28

yes, to make the conversation

6:28

stop, especially if it's about a

6:33

conversation in my especially

6:33

around eating. If somebody

6:39

offers me something, and I'm

6:39

like, Oh, no, it's okay. I'm

6:42

good. And they're like, Oh, come

6:42

on, come on. This usually

6:44

happens at family functions

6:44

around the holidays. So this is

6:48

kind of a good time to episode

6:48

with American Thanksgiving

6:53

coming up this week. And then

6:53

we're really diving right into

6:56

the holidays. Especially because

6:56

you don't see a lot of people

6:59

that you normally see this year,

6:59

obviously might be a little bit

7:04

different with the whole

7:04

Coronavirus situation. But this

7:09

tends to come up when you know,

7:09

and Pam, who you haven't seen

7:14

for months and months and months

7:14

brings over her plate of cookies

7:18

that she brings every year and

7:18

she wants to pressure you into

7:21

it. And then you're like, Okay,

7:21

fine, like, Yes, I'll have one

7:26

and then you take it and then

7:26

you're like, Why? Why did I do

7:28

that? Like, this isn't in line

7:28

with my goals or what I want,

7:34

and you're just doing it just to

7:34

please them so that conversation

7:38

stops. So that's kind of the two

7:38

things that you should ask

7:44

yourself when you're at when

7:44

you're going to make those kind

7:46

of decisions? Do you feel guilty

7:46

about saying no? And are you or

7:51

do you regret saying yes. The

7:51

second thing is I want to really

7:56

call out how people pleasing

7:56

prevents growth. So when you say

8:02

no to someone, because either

8:02

you don't have the capacity to

8:07

do it, either like based off of

8:07

your time, or your mental

8:12

capacity, or you know anything,

8:12

if you say no, because you don't

8:17

have the capacity to do it. You

8:17

are not saying no to them, you

8:22

are saying yes to you. So when

8:22

you say no to someone, because

8:29

it's not something that is

8:29

within your capacity, you are

8:33

not saying no to them, you are

8:33

saying yes to you. And I really,

8:38

really, really want you to

8:38

remember that because that is

8:41

super, super important.

8:41

Especially as we get into like

8:46

when people are pushing

8:46

boundaries and stuff. We're in a

8:49

super, super stressful situation

8:49

and world right now. And people

8:54

are like pushed to their x like

8:54

their mental capacity like we

8:59

are at the edge of our toes are

8:59

on the edge of the cliff and we

9:04

don't have any more to give. So

9:04

especially especially this year,

9:10

but all the time it's really

9:10

important that what the things

9:14

that you are saying no to are

9:14

because you are saying yes to

9:20

either promises you've made to

9:20

yourself. You are standing up

9:25

for boundaries that you've set,

9:25

maybe you have a very dominant

9:30

family that you have been, for

9:30

lack of better word trained to

9:37

say yes to, you know all of

9:37

these things. You want to make

9:41

sure that your nose to them.

9:41

You're reminding yourself that

9:46

this is actually you standing up

9:46

for the things that are

9:50

important to you, the things

9:50

that you need, the things that

9:55

you have set out to make

9:55

yourself successful.