(with music) TOPICS: love droplets & love cactuses, when you're going through a desert of abandonment keep going -- hard, the melancholic beauty of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk in the time of COVID, gaining insight into the loss of my husband as well as the lack of parental acceptance, what not to do if you think your kid is suffering from low blood sugar, what not to do with your newborn infant if you want them to feel loved and wanted, being burned out on the sound of humans speaking without listening, when 'no' or 'go away' doesn't work, cutting and running, what I do and don't regret, not waiting for it, seeing heaven in a wild flower and eternity in a moment, radical acceptance, radical letting go, preserving childish enthusiasm and an open heart, trust falls into life, letting my heart drive and telling my jerkbrain to switch off for a while, when simple acts of strangers' kindness trigger tears and grief, seeing failures as new information it takes courage to listen to, risking it all to win or lose but playing as well as I can with what I've got in the time available, and continuing my practice of not basing my choices on -- or listening to -- the advice and opinions of those who aren't paying the price and getting in the game. Also: how micro-dosing regularly with venting + validation with a network of skilled chill friends might prevent this island-destroying endless eruption of destructive lava-word-flow in the future. If I survive this fiery mess. And how messes make for some of the best and most inspiring, passionate, courageous, compassionate, loving people I know.