8:00

to have a different or better life. First

8:03

of all, so many people can relate to growing

8:06

up with a message. You're supposed

8:08

to get married, have kids, there's no

8:10

choice. Everyone's telling you that around you,

8:12

but to actually break out of that

8:14

is a challenge for so many. I

8:16

think that's so inspiring because I hear

8:18

from people all the time who are

8:20

like, they can't even differentiate between what

8:22

they want and what their parents wanted

8:24

or their grandparents. And I love

8:26

that in your book, Radical Confidence, you spend a lot

8:28

of time unpacking that. It's like the voice

8:31

of your grandmother. What does she do? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

8:33

yeah. She's talking back to

8:35

you, but I think there's so many great tools that

8:37

people can say, oh, I have that voice too, whether

8:40

it's around, for many people it's around marriage

8:42

or kids or what you're gonna do with

8:44

your life. So you're able to break through.

8:46

Something that helped you break through, and I

8:48

love this term, Lisa, I think

8:50

this is gonna stick everywhere, is the

8:52

purgatory of the mundane. Now,

8:55

that was when you were the housewife for eight years

8:57

and you were thinking like, what is happening? I think

8:59

so many of us can relate to that. So can

9:01

you talk about being in that place?

9:03

Yeah, thank you. I love the purgatory of mundane.

9:05

It's so good. So the thing

9:07

that I didn't realize was each

9:09

day, I'm like, well, it's

9:11

not that bad today. How are you? I'm fine. How's

9:14

life? Yes, I'm all right. You kind

9:16

of just shrug it off, right? And so that's

9:19

what I did day in and

9:21

day out. Now, before I kind of go really deep, I

9:23

do really want your audience to hear. I

9:26

use the example of where I was

9:28

stuck. My stuckness was being in a

9:30

role as a stay-at-home wife that didn't

9:32

fill me up. So if

9:35

someone right now, let's say, is

9:37

working their butt off and all they wanna do

9:39

is be at home and support their family, that's

9:41

my message, right? What are you doing? Does it

9:43

align with who you want to be? So for

9:45

me, it was the stay-at-home wife. I didn't wanna

9:48

be that. And I didn't think I would be

9:50

there for long. I was like, oh,

9:52

it's for the greater good, for the greater good of

9:54

me and my husband, for our goals, we're gonna make

9:56

enough money so we can make movies. That was kind

9:58

of like the dream when we first started. In

18:01

fact, give me a real world example. What are the

18:03

questions you get asked about? Funny you should

18:05

ask. We're just going to skip around here because I have some questions

18:07

that I really wanted you to help me answer. Oh,

18:09

yeah. This is John 23 in New York. He's having

18:11

a problem regaining confidence in social skills.

18:13

So Dr. Emily, you want to start off by

18:15

saying I love the podcast. Thank you so much

18:17

for sharing your wealth of knowledge. Here's a story.

18:19

Graduated college in May of 2020. Had

18:22

a long-term relationship that ended in July. I've been

18:24

single for a while. He says,

18:26

I want to start dating again, but I feel

18:29

like I've lost my confidence. And social skills. How

18:31

do I get back to being the social person I

18:34

used to be around people with dating, any help or

18:36

advice would be appreciated. Love it. Okay, great. This

18:38

is perfect. So I want to go out and date. Let's just

18:41

like condense it slightly because sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Like I want

18:43

to go out and date and I want confidence. It's like, oh,

18:45

there's so much. Okay. Let's narrow it

18:47

down. That's the first thing is like

18:49

take a deep breath and go, what is the actual goal?

18:52

Because it's kind of like saying someone's saying I want

18:54

to create impact. Okay, that's amazing. But

18:56

that leaves you nowhere to go. Like there's so much

18:58

types of impact. Do you want

19:00

to impact someone on a global scale?

19:02

Do you want to impact one person? Do

19:05

you want to impact through writing a book? Do

19:07

you want to impact through doing a podcast? There's

19:09

so many, right? So even with this question, it's

19:11

like, let's actually narrow it down. Okay, let's take

19:13

the first date. I want to

19:15

have the confidence to go on a date. To

19:18

now it's like, it doesn't become overwhelming. I was like, but I need

19:20

to be confident here. I need to be confident in bed. But what

19:23

if it ends up leading? So no, no, no. Take

19:25

a deep breath. I need that. One thing.

19:27

Okay. Have a North Star. So

19:29

I want everyone right now to think about what

19:32

that North Star is. Be very succinct and be

19:34

very, very actionable. So you know, did I do

19:36

it? Yes or no? Right?

19:39

Did I go on that date? Exactly. Saturday night

19:41

is my date now. I'm going to try. Okay. So

19:44

that's, it's a binary. It's yes or no. I'm going to say,

19:46

all right, for the next month, I'm

19:48

going to work on myself and now you're going

19:50

to, okay, cool. You've got one

19:52

date. You've set a time. And now it's

19:55

a, did I move towards it? Yes or

19:57

no. And now what you do, let's say

19:59

you've got the month. Let

24:01

me just sit with that and let me

24:03

just process that. Can you actually control someone

24:05

else? No matter

24:07

how much you do, no matter how much

24:09

you do, can you control anyone else? Can

24:12

you control whether someone's attracted to you? No,

24:16

it's never about you really. It's really not.

24:19

Yeah. Now go, how do you put your best foot forward?

24:22

Don't freaking slum it. Like right, if this was

24:24

really a concern of mine, where I go to

24:26

a date and I'm like, I'm actually worried about

24:28

being rejected. Okay, this is really sore spot. Why

24:30

is this a sore spot? I got rejected when

24:32

I was a kid and it really hurt and

24:34

it's one of my triggers. Okay, great. I'm just

24:36

giving myself the grace to speak right now, right?

24:39

To give myself the allowance to hear my

24:41

voice, to hear what's worrying. It's like, okay,

24:43

you were bullied as a kid, Lisa, so

24:46

you're worried about being rejected today. Okay,

24:48

yes, that's great. So now let's just take that for

24:50

a reality. I'm worried about this fear

24:52

over here that's holding me back, but

24:54

what's my goal? To get on a date. So

24:57

now, what's actually more important?

25:00

Going on a date and reaching your goal

25:03

or letting your insecurity take

25:05

over. The fear is the ego, the

25:07

fear is saying, oh my God, don't embarrass yourself. So

25:10

what's more important? My ego or my goal?

25:13

And so with now people ask, like there's

25:15

literally no judgment. Like I want people to

25:17

ask themselves this question without actually bringing judgment

25:19

to it because then it's like, well, look,

25:21

I really want to go on a date.

25:23

It's really like thinking. You want that, right.

25:26

Thinking in a year, thinking in five years, how will you

25:28

feel if you don't go on a date? Does that sit

25:30

well with you? Yes or no? Exactly.

25:33

Because it's going to keep going. They're purgatory of the mundane

25:35

of not dating. Their fear is, their ego is totally holding

25:37

them back. Yes. So now if

25:39

you can say that with no judgment, give

25:41

yourself grace, say great. So me saying yes

25:43

to someone, the next person that asks, me

25:45

just booking the date, me not even necessarily

25:47

thinking of it as a romantic thing. Me

25:50

just going and turning up are

25:53

all steps in order for you to get

25:55

better at being the person that

25:57

can go on dates, even if you get

25:59

rejected. you can't control how

26:01

they respond. But now, I'm

26:03

not going to say it's easy. Rejection will

26:05

still sting. Going on that day

26:08

and being excited and having that person reject

26:10

you, everything I'm saying doesn't make

26:12

that any easier. It happens. So now,

26:15

what are you going to do if it

26:17

happens? That's part of your radical confidence tool

26:19

belt. I'm going on this date. Think

26:21

about how you're going to show up. Think about

26:23

what you're going to ask, what you're going to

26:25

say. Exactly. And what you're going to say. Really

26:27

think about it. Put in the time and energy.

26:30

And so right now, if you go on a

26:33

date and you're worried about getting rejected, what are

26:35

the things that you can do that aren't going

26:37

to bring you to your knees if you get

26:39

rejected? Maybe, let me just throw out a couple

26:41

of things that come to me in real time.

26:44

Maybe before you go on a date, you reach

26:46

out to three of your friends and

26:48

you say, hey, I really need you

26:50

to write words of encouragement right now.

26:54

So that if I go on this date and

26:57

this person rejects me, I need to know that

26:59

I'm not rejected by the people that I care

27:01

about. You can even say to them, text me

27:03

three things you love about me.

27:05

Love it. Even better. Have it right there. Yeah.

27:08

And now, what you're doing is you're not saying,

27:10

oh my God, if I get rejected, I'm going

27:12

to fall to my knees and never be able

27:14

to get up. What you're saying is, hey, I've

27:16

done all the steps. I'm going

27:18

in here with the best intentions. But

27:20

if this happens, I've got a game

27:22

plan to help me pull me out

27:24

of it so I don't stay on

27:27

my knees. And now, what happens is

27:29

the more you do that, girl, the

27:31

more you rinse and repeat, the better,

27:33

going to the point that we said

27:35

earlier, the more competent you'll become so

27:37

that when you get rejected, you do

27:39

the groundwork that over time you realize

27:41

it's not about you. And

27:44

now, that hurt, that feeling, that sting that

27:47

you got from going the very first time

27:49

to now, it just gets, like it gets

27:51

shorter, right? The sting that happened when you

27:53

got rejected on that first day, it took

27:56

you a month to get over. But you

27:58

know what? Now, It only took you a

28:00

week. Give your freaking summer pie on your

28:02

beard. That's confident. It's true. That

28:05

is success. Guys, it does. Then the longer

28:07

you wait to go on a date, you just be like,

28:09

oh, I see. That's what happened. But no, you just keep

28:11

going. Then you set up another date, another date. What I

28:13

love too in your bookway, why I explain a little bit

28:15

is about ... Because we're talking about the negative voices that

28:17

hold you back. I think some people are really aware of

28:20

them. You mentioned this for a second, but you're making your

28:22

friend. You're like, what are

28:24

you saying here? You flip the messages. You're like,

28:26

you have to be able to listen to it

28:28

because there is some validation. Now you also make

28:30

the distinction about sometimes we say, well, you should

28:32

just have more self-love and it gets not true.

28:34

Like, oh, I'm worried. I'm going to fail. But

28:37

maybe some of it is true. So can you

28:39

talk about making it your friend? You flip it

28:41

or actually listening to it, but you bring her

28:43

under your arm. You're like, you're my BFF. You're

28:45

my homie, as you'd say. Right? How

28:47

do we do that with ... Maybe you could give

28:50

an example of a specific voice that you ... Because

28:52

I just think this is a really big one and

28:54

it ties into fear and ego. Yeah, 100%. I

28:57

was just like highlighting. I think I even took some

28:59

stuff in here. I love you so much. No, because

29:01

I just think it's really useful. The

29:04

negative voice, everyone kept saying, right? Okay, it's

29:06

holding me back. Everyone's telling me to be

29:08

nice to myself. Love yourself. Okay, great. Everyone's

29:10

telling me this. This is what you need

29:12

to do, Lisa. I'm very tactical. So

29:15

it's like, okay, someone said this, great. Let me give it a shot. And

29:17

what ended up happening was I was getting so much of

29:19

that messaging because I was able to ... All the time,

29:21

right? Yeah. All the time. Be

29:23

kind, self-love, and because I couldn't, I tried. I

29:25

really did try. I gave it my all and

29:27

I was like, it's actually not ... I'm

29:30

unable to do it right now. And right

29:32

now, the fact that I'm able to

29:34

do it actually makes me feel worse about myself,

29:36

which really what it does is just turns up

29:38

the volume on the freaking negative voice in your

29:40

head because now you've given her another reason to

29:42

talk negatively to you, right? It's like,

29:44

oh, you can't even get me to shut up. So I

29:46

was like, I'm so goal

29:48

oriented. How on earth this thing I

29:51

can't avoid, how can I turn it

29:53

from my kryptonite to my superpower? Using

29:56

those phrases, kryptonite to superpower makes

29:58

me think differently. Okay, great. It's

30:00

really crippling. This voice right now,

30:03

for instance, I wanted to start my own podcast. You said,

30:05

give me an example. So I wanted to start my own

30:07

podcast. I was like, it's just going to be over Zoom.

30:09

It's going to be audio only. And my husband's like, babe,

30:11

we have an entire studio. We've got six cameras and we

30:13

have a team. Why the hell aren't you filming? And I

30:15

realized it's because I was fearful. And

30:18

so right now this voice in my head that I

30:20

was trying to say to shut up wouldn't be quiet.

30:22

So to the point of it is now getting in

30:25

my way of my goal. It is getting in the

30:27

way of me impacting because I do think content is

30:29

the way to be able to create impact on a

30:31

global scale. So I understand my why.

30:33

I know that I need to get in front of

30:35

the camera, but I'm too freaking scared. All right. This

30:37

voice is stopping me. How the hell do I use

30:40

it as my superpower? Let me rethink this. Okay. She's

30:42

a bitch. I want to shut her up. I want

30:44

to like punch her in the face. And it's like,

30:46

what's the opposite of that? Instead of punching her in

30:48

the face. Okay. The opposite is giving her a cuddle.

30:50

Great. What would that look like? I can't give her

30:52

a cuddle, which means if you're giving someone a cuddle,

30:54

you actually want to hear from them. Okay. Great. I

30:56

want to hear from them. So how do I do

30:58

that without feeling badly? Okay. Maybe think of it as

31:00

your friend. Right. So I was making it your friend

31:02

and listening. So I refrained it and I said, okay,

31:05

it doesn't want me to get in front of the

31:07

camera. I finally pushed myself to get in front of

31:09

the camera. So again, in front of the camera. And

31:11

that's when the voice was even louder because I wasn't

31:13

great. You were talking about your first show that you

31:15

felt like I wasn't great. It wasn't really prepared. Yeah.

31:17

So I was like, okay, I managed to get in

31:19

front of the camera, but to my point about the

31:21

first date that I said to you might have the

31:23

first date either. Yes. Yeah. So

31:25

what do you do in those moments

31:27

that allows you to keep propelling forward

31:30

because you know your why. So

31:32

I knew, okay, right now I

31:34

went in front of the camera. I managed to get

31:36

the confidence or the radical confidence to get in front

31:38

of the camera. And now I've totally bombed. And now

31:41

the voice is even louder. How

31:43

do I reframe that? So that's

31:45

where I like, okay, listen to her.

31:47

What does she say? Because maybe there

31:49

is truth in it. So she's now

31:51

saying, Lisa, you had

31:53

no idea how to open the interview. And

31:56

I'm like, let me see if she's right. the

32:00

part of it that was the key part is listening to the voice

32:02

and saying with love and kind

32:04

of bringing it under your arm and saying maybe there's

32:06

some truth to it and it's okay because now we

32:08

can have a plan to overcome that negative thing like

32:10

my opening wasn't that strong yeah and that was the

32:12

thing and i looked and i was like let me

32:14

see if she's right and i was like oh she

32:17

is right and that's where i go to be in

32:19

the ego the reason why the voice is speaking is

32:22

because it doesn't want you to be embarrassed like i

32:24

think she's trying to protect me which is why it's

32:26

your bff right she wants you to do good she's

32:28

trying to protect you which

32:30

is why she's telling you this because she's

32:32

like i don't want you to be embarrassed

32:34

i know what it feels like to be

32:36

embarrassed lisa remember that one time remember

32:39

how that felt i'm here to remind

32:41

you that sucks don't you ever get

32:43

there again it's the ego protecting

32:45

you so if it's protecting you to go

32:47

okay right now in the protection you're stopping

32:50

me from doing what i really want to

32:52

do so instead of stopping me how can

32:54

i use you as the fuel how can

32:56

i use you to propel me forward so

32:58

if you're telling me i'm really bad at

33:01

my intros let me just see if maybe

33:03

you may be right because maybe there's something

33:05

i can learn now if you

33:08

can go can i learn from this

33:10

error can i learn from this catastrophic

33:12

mistake can i learn from this really

33:14

bad date now

33:16

you can go instead of feeling badly about

33:19

myself what can i learn maybe you showed

33:21

up on that day and all you did

33:23

is talk and you didn't ask one question

33:25

about them and the

33:27

voice is saying it's not all about

33:29

you it's practical advice because i

33:31

could see someone going on this really bad first date

33:33

and saying like see it was terrible they didn't like

33:35

me they didn't text me back this happened to me

33:37

yesterday i was with my dog park friend because i

33:39

go to the dog park i let out with my

33:42

dog and she was saying yeah i was gonna start

33:44

dating again i went on a date and now i

33:46

went out and we were swiping for a few days

33:48

then we met up and now i haven't heard from

33:50

him and i think i'm just gonna take a break

33:52

from dating i'm like after one date first off we'll

33:54

never know what would happen maybe he went back with

33:56

his ex maybe he who knows what

33:58

maybe he remind him too much of his acts.

34:00

We'll never know what that person's thinking and like

34:02

it just made me think of how he lives

34:04

quickly. Like take one thing that

34:06

doesn't go right and they just go

34:09

back to their purgatory. We'll be right

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my God. Okay, I love this. Can I give you

36:56

one thing in full time that I actually just thought

36:58

of what I would do in that situation if I

37:00

was that person? I would recognize, oh my God, this

37:02

is a pattern. No judgment, but this

37:04

is how I normally do it. Actually, I've noticed

37:06

this about myself. So being self-aware is actually beautiful

37:08

before you even go on the date, in fact.

37:10

So say, you know what? Yeah, I am that

37:12

person that when I don't, if I go on

37:15

a date and don't really like them, to be

37:17

honest, it never even bothers me that they don't

37:19

text me back after three or four days. But

37:21

I've noticed when I really like someone, after

37:24

a day, I start to get anxious. Beautiful.

37:27

Don't judge yourself. Just write that down. Now

37:29

that you know yourself, come up with the rules,

37:32

but you do it before your emotions get taken

37:34

in. So what I would do is like, I

37:36

know myself well enough. I know by after date

37:38

too, I'm going to be the one that's probably

37:40

texting them, hey, and that's where I keep going

37:42

wrong. Amazing. Now I know. So what I'm going

37:44

to do is I'm going to write down, Lisa

37:47

promises herself. I would

37:49

do something like that. Promise is a big word for

37:52

me. So I'm using words that would trigger me on

37:54

purpose. Whatever words people

37:56

want to use. Whatever

37:58

that thing is that they. can attach themselves to

38:01

and then I would write a rule list.

38:03

Like literally I would say no matter what

38:05

you don't text them for five days. That

38:08

may be terrible and maybe like you don't

38:10

want to play games but maybe that's the

38:12

thing maybe like I don't want to play

38:14

games. So after day three if they haven't

38:16

reached out I'm going to text them once

38:19

and this is what I'm going to text them. Hey

38:21

I had such a great evening now remember I'm writing

38:23

this without having even gone on a date. Hey

38:26

I had such a great evening it'd be great

38:28

to meet up again if you're interested whatever. You

38:31

write all of this down before your

38:34

emotions are tied up in it. So

38:37

now when it happens

38:39

when you've gone on that date and

38:41

your mind starts spiraling of all the

38:43

things you go back to your

38:45

cheat sheet and you go back and say I

38:48

know myself well I know my feelings really want

38:50

to but this is why I wrote the cheat

38:52

sheet as my guide to stick

38:54

to and what I'm going to do is I've

38:56

made a promise oh my god it says Lisa made a promise to

38:58

herself so I'm going to keep it and I'm

39:01

going to maybe maybe I'm a little obsessive

39:03

and maybe I'm going to hold on to this cheat

39:05

sheet within my life that's fine but

39:07

have something that allows you

39:09

to act not on

39:11

emotion because we all know

39:15

that emotions ebb and

39:17

flow and that we sometimes

39:19

we can't necessarily trust them to be

39:22

our north star of how we should act.

39:25

So you're talking about having all the barriers and

39:27

having the toolkit in place having your list so

39:29

you know where to go if your

39:31

mind starts spiraling. Let's see you keep going

39:33

right about self-aware what if you're the person

39:35

that doesn't keep going back to it because

39:37

it actually hurts you to go back to

39:39

it no judgment now you

39:41

know yourself so what you're going to do

39:43

before you go on this date you're going

39:45

to set an alarm in your phone and

39:47

you're going to go okay I'm going on

39:49

a day on Saturday I know myself I

39:52

may not refer back to the sheet I

39:54

may probably start feeling these feelings after 24

39:56

hours especially if I like them. All

39:58

right I know this about myself I'm not going to I'm not

40:00

going to judge myself for, I'm not going to beat myself up

40:02

over, I'm not going to compare myself to others, I'm just going

40:04

to accept that this is who I am. And so what I'm

40:06

going to do is I'm going to set an alarm on my

40:08

phone 12 hours after I've

40:11

gone on that first date. And the alarm

40:13

is going to say, I love you, refer

40:15

back to this sheet. Whatever word you need. Well, I

40:17

love it because it also gives you like a built-in

40:19

sort of a net that can hold yourself because if

40:21

you like after the date, you're like, well, my next

40:23

step after this date is I don't have to think

40:25

about it now. I've got 12 hours, maybe because this

40:27

alarm goes off or like it just kind of helps

40:30

you think like, I've got to plan for this, I've

40:32

got to plan for this. Because our emotions

40:34

are not predictable. Our emotions are not really, they're not

40:36

going to, they're to help us. They're actually there to

40:38

hurt us. And I love that we talk about like

40:40

the negative self-talk is your ego, which really is your

40:42

friend trying to protect you in a way. And

40:44

so now you've broken this down, right? You can

40:46

see how this is literally guys, what I talk

40:49

about in my book. So when you see me

40:51

sitting here confident in front of the camera or,

40:53

you know, listening on the podcast, like everything

40:56

you hear me say, I was the person

40:58

that was petrified to sit in front of

41:00

the camera. I was the one petrified to

41:02

do interviews. And how the

41:04

hell do I go from the person

41:06

that was petrified to being here today

41:09

easily with confidence, being able to talk

41:11

about this stuff? It was because I

41:13

did everything I'm just saying. It wasn't

41:15

because I had a magic spell. It

41:17

wasn't because I convinced myself. It wasn't

41:19

because I have some magic spark that

41:22

other people don't. It was that

41:24

I did the self-awareness piece. I did the

41:27

assessment piece. I did the planning and planning.

41:29

You prepared. And you prepared. You were

41:31

talking about all these tools that you had in place.

41:33

Like you were saying after the first show that you're

41:35

like, I made sure I had the intro written here.

41:37

I practiced the intro next time. So I didn't falter

41:39

on the intro and I had my closing and I

41:42

had the papers and notes in front of you. You

41:44

had all the structure in place to make sure

41:46

that it didn't happen again. Exactly. I'm

41:49

sure it was great. If y'all went back, it was fine. No, it

41:51

was bad. But it's actually important

41:53

for me to say. So you go back and watch

41:55

it. The very first words out of my mouth is

41:57

I introduced the guest and then I'm like, oh, shit.

41:59

even say who I was. You actually hear me on

42:01

the camera say, oh my God, I didn't even say

42:03

my own name. So I

42:06

actually don't mind that. It's the beauty of

42:08

showing the truth of my evolution. And that's

42:10

what I'm trying to say for people at

42:12

home. So going back to everything we just

42:14

encompassed is that right now you can see

42:16

how I would say, even if I'm the

42:18

person, this petrified to go on that date

42:22

to your question that you even asked. This is

42:24

literally how I go, cool, what's

42:26

the goal? Narrow the goal down so it

42:28

doesn't seem overwhelming. Create a

42:30

game plan, have a backup for your

42:32

game plan, do a self-assessment, know thy

42:34

self, put all these actions into place

42:36

and then make a commitment that you're

42:38

going to do something on X date

42:40

and it doesn't have to be perfect.

42:43

So if it's a YouTube channel, people

42:45

really want to do their own stuff,

42:47

great. Put in a day and say

42:49

in a week, in seven days I am

42:51

going to have pressed record on my iPhone.

42:54

I didn't say post it as a press record.

42:58

So having these little baby

43:00

steps so that you know how

43:02

to approach it and then thinking

43:04

about once you've gone on

43:07

that first date, knowing how you're the

43:09

type of person that responds in a

43:11

certain way with no judgment, writing those

43:13

things down and then having a game

43:16

plan that then allows you to have

43:18

a go-to cheat sheet so

43:20

that you don't let your emotions get

43:22

in the way and get in the

43:24

way of that dream goal of building

43:26

your confidence to go on dates. It's

43:29

good because it feels so insurmountable. So what I love

43:31

about that is that, and you have this all in

43:33

the book, Radical Confidence, is

43:36

this you have the step-by-step plans. Like you show

43:38

how you actually break these things apart, which I

43:40

found to be just so useful for you could

43:42

use it, whether it's in the boardroom or the

43:44

bedroom. I also love your chapter

43:48

of validation is for parking. So

43:50

can you unpack real quick what

43:52

validation is, why it's so important

43:54

to give it to ourselves? And that and that sort

43:56

of take it from others. I like your perspective of

43:58

like, why do we see get from others and how

44:00

do we actually give it to ourselves which is what

44:02

really matters. So validation to me really

44:05

is a like maybe we can even use

44:07

a different word like how do you feel

44:09

about yourself? Do you feel good? And where

44:11

do you get that from? Like do you

44:13

feel good when other people give you the compliments

44:15

and pat you in the back and tell you

44:18

how great you're doing? Yeah probably a lot of

44:20

us do and that's actually okay. The problem is

44:22

is where now you don't feel good about yourself

44:24

if no one gives you that validation or you

44:26

don't feel good about yourself. If someone's actually saying

44:28

all the things that you're not good at or

44:31

that you're doing wrong. You're going

44:33

to hear me say this a lot give yourself

44:35

grace to just take inventory because that's where we

44:37

I always want to start. It

44:39

feels good to me when this person

44:41

does this and when they don't

44:43

actually don't feel good about myself. Like this is just

44:45

an inventory of where you get

44:48

validation from currently and

44:50

then another inventory of what you do

44:52

every day to give yourself validation. Maybe

44:55

right now that list is empty. It's

44:57

okay. Just take an inventory. So

45:00

now that you've got your inventory now I'm

45:02

all about a game plan stepping stones.

45:05

So what is the one thing I'm going

45:07

to do today that is just me because

45:09

you have to build up your internal validation.

45:11

You have to build on muscles. It's all

45:13

building up these muscles and then giving yourself

45:15

grace to be certain days you're going to

45:17

fail. And it's like sometimes even

45:19

with everything I'm saying I've written a freaking book

45:21

and sometimes I still find myself looking externally

45:24

for validation and sometimes when I notice my

45:26

god it's all good. You see

45:28

your back here again don't sweat it girl. You've got

45:30

your game plan now jump back in. So

45:33

I don't pride myself on being perfect. I don't pride

45:35

myself on being a one and done. And

45:38

that is because I'm actually not perfect because I'm never

45:40

a one and done. And so going back to how

45:42

do I take something that actually doesn't serve me and

45:44

flip it. It's like I used to want

45:47

perfection. I used to feel badly about

45:49

myself and now I'm like how can I reframe this.

45:51

I'm not the person that seeks perfection. I can feel

45:53

good about that. So now I say out

45:55

loud. Going back to the validation

45:57

piece where do you get external validation from.

1:04:00

did we get there was because we assessed.

1:04:02

So now what the key here is

1:04:04

now what you do is you've both said what you want.

1:04:07

And now you sit together and say, how do we

1:04:09

make a happy medium? Or

1:04:12

maybe that isn't what you do this

1:04:14

week. Maybe you got all the

1:04:16

things you wanted last week. So maybe you make a

1:04:18

deal with them. You're like, you know what, babe,

1:04:20

last week you did my day exactly. And you

1:04:22

didn't complain. And you were so wonderful. So this

1:04:25

week we're going to do yours. Or maybe you

1:04:27

make an agreement and you're like, oh my God,

1:04:29

my day is so amazing. I actually want this

1:04:31

day. And in exchange, I'm going to give you

1:04:33

your day. So this Saturday we're going to do

1:04:35

mine. And next Saturday we're going to do yours.

1:04:37

Do you like that? Oh my God. Yes. And

1:04:39

now there's no resentment. Now you

1:04:42

both get what you want. Or maybe you

1:04:44

come to an agreement and it's a half,

1:04:46

half, or maybe it's, Hey, Tom

1:04:48

may say, babe, I don't want to watch that freaking romantic

1:04:50

comedy. But instead, what if you hit

1:04:53

up your friend, what's the romantic comedy with your

1:04:55

friend, finally, when you guys do that, I'm actually

1:04:57

going to go play video games. Because remember I

1:04:59

said, I wanted to play four hours of video

1:05:01

games. I'm going to go play video games while

1:05:03

you watch your movie. And then this

1:05:05

thing that we said that we wanted to do here, where

1:05:07

we both wanted to have a romantic meal and I wanted

1:05:09

sex for four hours and you didn't want sex for 30

1:05:11

minutes. What if we still have the romantic meal and then

1:05:14

we get together and we, you know, see where the day

1:05:16

takes us and look, look, there's no pressure. I'm not going

1:05:18

to have you do what is it

1:05:20

that you do where it's like sometimes you're just sitting

1:05:22

there for like four hours and staring at them and

1:05:24

like tantric sex. Yeah. And like, we're

1:05:30

not going to do tantric sex today, but, right. But

1:05:32

instead we're going to put on porn and we're going

1:05:34

to do an hour. It's average. You went 30 minutes.

1:05:36

Like you can kind of average

1:05:39

that out too. Like see what's good. It's so

1:05:41

practical. Yes. And I don't want people to think

1:05:43

it's like I'm sitting there with a timer. Like

1:05:45

I just want to make like the point is

1:05:48

hearing what your partner wants

1:05:51

and then feeling heard. Like I can't even

1:05:54

remember who it was. It's like the number

1:05:56

one relationship rule is that a woman wants

1:05:58

is to be heard. I'm

1:10:00

feeling great and I'm feeling, oh, my arse feels a

1:10:02

bit sick today. I almost used

1:10:04

to be the person that would tell my husband

1:10:06

first before I thought he would notice, because

1:10:08

it was kind of like that safety net. You're touching your

1:10:11

seat, right? Thank God I can say it first, because I

1:10:13

know he's thinking it. There's that mentality

1:10:15

where it's like, oh, babe, I know I don't

1:10:17

look great today, or I know my arse looks

1:10:19

flat today. And he's

1:10:21

just like, are you freaking joking? And here's what's part of

1:10:23

me. Number one, part of me is trying to do it

1:10:25

and say it. Almost like, no, no, I do know this

1:10:27

is happening. There's that kind of like almost,

1:10:30

I didn't want him to think that I don't know,

1:10:32

which is a terrible reason, but

1:10:35

it all came down to insecurity, right?

1:10:38

So I'm saying it out loud, because I'm so

1:10:40

freaking insecure about it. I don't wanna worry whether

1:10:43

he's really thinking it and I'm just not saying

1:10:45

it. So the insecurity in me is saying

1:10:47

it out loud. So

1:10:49

how do we not do that? So I've been there too.

1:10:51

I know I'm not together, right? I haven't showered yet. Yes,

1:10:53

yes, yes. I would love to talk about that for a

1:10:55

minute too, because it's like, oh, I haven't showered. I haven't

1:10:58

done this. I'm sorry, my hair is

1:11:00

a mess. They're not, likely they're not thinking that. And in

1:11:02

fact, if they are thinking that, like you've got other problems

1:11:04

really, I would think, because they're attracted to you, to your

1:11:06

essence, your energy. They're not noticing that. But how did you

1:11:08

learn to not do that? Because that is a practice a

1:11:10

lot of us do all the time. Oh, no, sorry. Even

1:11:13

if it's work, oh, I spilled on myself or my hair.

1:11:16

How do we not do that? Step one, take

1:11:18

inventory. When do you do it? Do you

1:11:20

do it with someone more than others, right? Because

1:11:22

maybe you do. Maybe you do it more with like

1:11:24

a work colleague than you actually do your partner. Why?

1:11:27

Why are you doing it more insecure around your

1:11:29

work colleague, right? Take inventory, literally, of who you

1:11:31

do it with when you do it. But with

1:11:33

Tom, it was taking inventory. Oh my

1:11:35

God, I always do it around Tom. I usually do it when

1:11:37

I'm naked. And I usually do it

1:11:39

when I'm not feeling great about myself. So you'll

1:11:41

say, oh, I know, I look like this. Yeah,

1:11:43

okay, so usually even though not feeling great about

1:11:46

yourself, it doesn't even have anything to do with

1:11:48

actually how I look, right? So with Tom, I

1:11:50

basically just took inventory of when I was doing

1:11:52

it. And when I do it and I don't

1:11:54

feel good about myself, I don't even just mean

1:11:56

when I'm naked. I mean like, oh, I felt

1:11:58

like I really felt it. You

1:14:00

can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok,

1:14:02

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1:14:04

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1:14:06

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1:14:08

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