0:05

It's amazing how God can use marriage

0:07

to help you mature. I'm

0:09

John Fuller, joined by my focus colleagues,

0:12

Erin and Greg Smalley. And Erin, can

0:14

we be gender specific about this? How

0:17

do you think marriage helps men

0:19

grow and how does it help women grow?

0:22

It's an interesting question because marriage

0:24

absolutely makes us both grow. I

0:26

think of, we're called

0:29

to grow up in Ephesians. And

0:31

so, what is the impact

0:33

of marriage on men? What

0:35

I've noticed is my son-in-laws after

0:38

a year or two of marriage, I

0:40

see that they soften so much. Just

0:44

they're, I see more tenderness. Not a

0:46

week soft. No, just softer, just

0:48

more tender in general.

0:50

But I think it also helps

0:53

men grow with managing emotions, identifying

0:55

them, communicating

0:57

emotions, caring for emotions.

1:00

Because let's be real, if they

1:02

don't grow in that, then there's going

1:04

to be some disconnection in the relationship.

1:06

You know, really growing in emotional intelligence.

1:09

Women, I think, often

1:11

come into marriage so aware

1:13

that they're feeling stuff, but

1:16

they don't know what it is. And they don't

1:18

know often what I didn't know

1:20

what to do with my emotions. And so, Greg

1:22

really helped me to delve into what am I

1:25

feeling? And

1:28

then what do I need to do? Am I needing

1:30

to solve a problem? And if I need

1:32

to solve a problem, he's my guy. He

1:34

knows how to solve problems. That's

1:36

good. I was just talking to my

1:38

brother and he observed that his son

1:41

who got married last year is

1:43

starting to have some vision, some

1:45

aspirations for what life could be

1:48

together. And he said, it's really

1:50

fun to watch because it was all

1:52

about him as a young man, living

1:55

on his own. And now it's about us and how

1:57

do we grow in this relationship and in the world.

2:00

life together. So I think that's a

2:02

benefit of marriage for both parties.

2:05

Well, Focus President Jim Daly and I

2:07

spoke with Matt and Lisa Jacobson about

2:09

marriage and they shared about

2:11

the need to make adjustments in

2:14

relationships as you grow and

2:16

all of us have to do that. Let's go ahead and listen

2:18

in. It's hard to live perfectly

2:20

all the time. So when we're

2:22

talking about, you know, it's the general principle

2:25

of, you know, being who you are on

2:27

both sides, but those things break down because

2:29

we're human. We have, you know, we live

2:31

in a sinful world and we have sin

2:33

in our hearts still, that kind

2:35

of thing. So for the couple that may have

2:37

the argument and think, oh man, we're not living

2:40

with integrity, you do

2:42

just want to aim for getting better, not

2:45

perfect. Absolutely. It's a sanctification process and

2:47

so we don't just validate that because

2:49

I had feelings that led me to

2:51

that argument. No, God's calling me to

2:53

do it differently the next time and

2:55

He's merciful. So we go to Him,

2:58

repent and we continue on. And these are

3:00

the principles we're aiming for and that's what

3:02

makes the content so good. And I think,

3:04

you know, I have learned, thankfully

3:06

I get to sit with very smart people like

3:08

you that give a lot of attention to this

3:10

and write great books about it. I

3:12

feel I have moved, you know,

3:14

myself personally over time to be

3:17

more mindful of my tone and

3:19

more mindful of who I am

3:21

and those kinds of things. So,

3:23

you know, if it could work for me, it can work for you. Let's

3:27

say as we zero in here at the close, for

3:30

both of you, I'll ask this question,

3:32

why is it important, especially as a husband, but

3:35

also for a wife, to put

3:37

your hope in the right things? Well,

3:41

the Bible says hope deferred maketh the heart sick.

3:44

And so if you're hoping

3:46

for the things that are not what

3:48

God would have you to value

3:51

and to seek, then you're putting

3:54

your hope in things that are transient and

3:56

things that are going to pass. And the

3:58

thing is our hope is in Christ and

4:01

in His promises and in who

4:03

we're called to be and where we're

4:05

going. And so, you can set

4:07

yourself up for tremendous disappointment if

4:09

you put your hope in, well,

4:12

I'm just going to get this person to change in that

4:14

way, or I'm going to have a

4:16

life that guarantees that this

4:18

is going to be the destination

4:20

that we arrive at. Our

4:22

hope needs to be in the Lord and our

4:24

focus needs to be in His call on

4:27

our heart and our life and who He's calling us to be.

4:30

Yeah, that's good. Yeah,

4:32

I can think of a couple of times in

4:34

our marriage where it seemed

4:36

hopeless and like just on our

4:38

wedding day, one of the pastors that was at

4:41

our wedding, he turned to a group of people and he

4:43

said, well, those two are going to wake up hating each

4:45

other. There's some aspiration. There's the... And

4:49

I was just so devastated as a new bride thinking,

4:51

this is what I have to look forward to because

4:53

we were so different and we do have strong personalities.

4:56

And yet when people speak those words over you, it's

4:58

hard not to believe them. And I

5:00

know many people who've had family members say, well, you're

5:02

going to end up divorced just like the rest of

5:05

us and things like that instead of speaking words of

5:07

hope and truth. And you don't have to listen to

5:09

those words. You can say, you know what? We're

5:12

going to have to work hard, but we have our hope in

5:14

Jesus Christ. I like that. The truth is

5:16

God has a beautiful plan

5:18

for a couple who is willing

5:20

to do things His way. We

5:23

will continue on a path of love

5:25

and maturity and growth and fun and

5:27

joy in your marriage. God's

5:30

plan leads to the blessings

5:32

of obedience. Yeah. You know,

5:34

I'm thinking of something that somebody showed me. Just the other day,

5:36

it was kind of a

5:39

cartoon stick drawing of two

5:41

people on one end of these

5:43

stick figures representing a marriage and

5:45

in the straight line across the life

5:47

continuum, then a finish line and a

5:49

checkered flag. And then it's

5:52

God's way, which is this, the

5:54

two stick figures starting out. It's a

5:56

valley. It's a thunderstorm. It's a peak.

5:58

It's a, you know, flood, the

6:01

line's moving up and down through

6:03

life's dilemmas, right? And then at

6:05

the end, it's a heart, not

6:07

a checkered flag. And I think, what a

6:10

beautiful way to look at things. This is

6:12

what marriage does. I mean, it helps prepare

6:15

us for heaven, I think, to become

6:17

more selfless, more like Christ. And you've

6:20

done a beautiful job representing that in

6:22

these two devotional books, loving your husband

6:24

well, loving your wife well. What

6:27

a great way to set your course and

6:29

to allow God's blessing to fall

6:31

upon you, particularly in your

6:33

relationship with your spouse. Well,

6:38

some great stories from Matt and Lisa Jacobson.

6:41

Greg, how do you encourage a couple? And you talk

6:43

to couples all the time. How do you encourage couples

6:46

to keep their eyes on

6:48

God and His design for marriage?

6:50

Yeah. I love the image of

6:52

the triangle. We've seen this before,

6:55

to where God's at the top,

6:57

kind of at the point, husband

6:59

and wife are at the bottom.

7:02

The point being, the closer they get

7:04

to the Lord, the closer they get

7:06

to each other. And every

7:09

time Aaron and I will interview couples,

7:11

ask them, you know, what's your key

7:14

to a great marriage?

7:16

It's always just drawing close to

7:18

the Lord. And doing that

7:20

specifically by praying together, going

7:22

to church together, so really

7:24

cultivating just some habits that's

7:27

helping us as individuals and as

7:29

a couple really draw close to

7:31

the Lord. I think

7:33

beyond that, just high, high level, if

7:37

you figure out how do we resist

7:39

the natural drift that happens within

7:41

a relationship, so how do we

7:43

maintain a connection? And Aaron

7:46

and I always encourage couples, just do

7:48

a regular daily check-in.

7:51

The high of your day, the low of your

7:53

day, just do a check-in that

7:55

really helps you guys to

7:57

avoid just drifting so far apart.

8:00

because you lose sight of how

8:02

we're changing his individuals as a

8:04

couple. So kind of

8:06

resist that drift, I think is, God

8:08

desires us to have this level of

8:10

connection and intimacy that

8:12

again, as we're drawing close to Him,

8:14

that sets us up now relationally, what

8:17

does that look like? And then I

8:19

would add in a third, just learn

8:21

how to repair conflicts, is you guys

8:23

have those little moments and

8:25

it's never the big conflicts, it's all

8:28

those little small things, those little irritations,

8:31

that that more dooms the relationship. So if

8:33

you just go, you know, let's just repair

8:35

that stuff along the way. I think all

8:38

that fits within his design

8:40

of going, yeah, I want

8:42

you to stay together for a lifetime, that

8:44

covenant, but I want you to really enjoy

8:47

each other. Yeah, yeah, it's not a

8:49

life sentence, it's a life journey that

8:51

you get to enjoy each other. And

8:54

if you're feeling stuck, a

8:56

couple of things. We have a free online marriage

8:58

assessment. Greg, go ahead and describe that for

9:01

couples. Yeah, so you're taking individually

9:03

the assessment that combines that into

9:05

a couple's report, and then we

9:08

give you this whole guide on

9:10

how to have a conversation, lots

9:12

of questions to ask each other,

9:15

just to really, you

9:17

know, use that assessment to grow your

9:19

relationship. And if you mentioned conflict a

9:21

minute ago, if we

9:23

have conflict and we don't know how

9:25

to get unstuck, does that get addressed

9:27

in this? Absolutely, yeah. Well, it's gonna

9:29

show you areas where you're good at

9:32

dealing with conflict and maybe some growth areas.

9:34

And it'll give you follow-up ideas and resources.

9:37

So we have a ton of stuff for

9:39

you. I also wanna

9:41

mention our counseling team, because you might be

9:43

dealing with something that an assessment just isn't

9:46

gonna address. So give our

9:48

counselors a call, 800-A-F-A, in the word family. They

9:52

can give you a call back, it's a free

9:54

phone consultation, and we'd love to

9:56

be able to provide that service to you, if that's

9:58

your point of need. And then finally,

10:01

follow up on Matt and Lisa Jacobson's content.

10:03

They have a couple of books, Loving Your

10:05

Wife Well and Loving Your Husband Well. We're

10:07

putting those together. We're making those available for

10:10

a gift of any amount today. Donate

10:13

generously to this podcast and the ongoing work

10:15

of Focus on the Family. And when you

10:17

do, we'll send that bundle to you as

10:19

our way of saying, thanks for being a

10:21

part of the support team. Details

10:23

on all of these resources are in the

10:26

show notes. Next

10:28

time, we're going to hear how to

10:30

reset your mindset toward your spouse. For

10:33

now, on behalf of the Smalleys and the entire

10:35

team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to

10:37

the Focus on the Family marriage podcast. Are

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