0:00

How did y'all navigate that rough space? Well,

0:03

I'll tell you what happened. I

0:05

got to the end of my rope, because I was thinking,

0:08

I'm in seminary starting to be

0:10

a pastor, and I'm thinking there's

0:12

absolutely no way I

0:15

can ever stand in front of people and preach hope,

0:18

when I don't even have hope. And

0:21

I said to God, I don't know

0:23

what else to do. I've

0:26

done everything I know to do, it's not working. As

0:28

soon as I said that, the kingdom

0:31

I made, a visual image of

0:33

Jesus on his knees, washing the

0:35

feet of his disciples. And

0:39

I heard God say to me, that's the

0:41

problem in your marriage. You do not

0:44

have the attitude of Christ toward

0:46

your way. It hit me like

0:48

a ton of bricks. It just hit me. And

0:52

I started crying, and I said, God

0:56

forgive me, with all of

0:58

my study in theology. I've missed the

1:00

whole thing. Because I remember what

1:02

Jesus said, when he finished washing their feet, he stood

1:04

up and said, you call me master and Lord, and

1:06

you are right. But in

1:08

my kingdom, the leader serves. That

1:11

part. You know? And I knew that was not

1:13

my attitude. You know, my attitude had been something

1:15

like, I know how to have

1:17

a good marriage, if you listen to me, well have

1:19

one. She wouldn't listen to me, and I blamed her.

1:22

But that day I got a different message. And I said,

1:25

forgive me Lord, and please give me

1:27

the attitude of Christ toward my wife.

1:30

Dear future wifey. Okay, scripturally,

1:32

the Bible says, your father

1:34

has already designed and purposed

1:36

you. I experienced an invitation

1:38

of God this morning. So

1:41

you gotta become an elite decision maker.

1:43

Elite decision maker. He said, because you

1:45

are one fleshly decision, away

1:48

from losing it all. Esten

1:51

my mind is what true submission

1:53

to Christ looks like. I

1:55

gotta maintain that secret connection I

1:57

have with God. I'm so full.

2:00

and don't want to belabor

2:02

this letter. And I

2:04

understand how important it is for

2:06

men to disciple men because if I didn't have

2:08

that, I wouldn't be where I am today. I've

2:11

traded worldly pleasures to live a

2:13

God's inner life. The encounter

2:15

I just had, I just

2:19

need to rest in it. Help us

2:21

to be considerate, creative, and courageous lovers.

2:24

I love you. Your

2:26

future happy. Welcome

2:30

to the Dear Future Wifey Podcast. I'm your

2:32

host, LaTaris R. Whitfield. Listen,

2:35

are you still shacking up with us? If you're

2:37

still shacking up with us, can we get a

2:39

commitment? Hit that subscription button and subscribe. Make sure

2:41

you turn on your notification bell so you'll be

2:43

notified about upcoming episodes. Listen,

2:45

LitFam, we are in season nine. This

2:48

is the launch of season nine, the

2:52

premier episode of this season.

2:55

And we got a heavy hitter on

2:58

the podcast today. I want to just tell you

3:00

all this real quick. If you want to hear

3:02

about or see behind the scene footage of the

3:04

Dear Future Wifey Podcast, conversations

3:07

that we have with our guests, make

3:09

sure you join our Patreon. Go to

3:11

patreon.com/LaTarisR. You'll

3:13

get an inside look on what happens

3:15

in my life when I travel different

3:17

behind the scene conversations that I have

3:19

with my wife. And we had an

3:21

exciting conversation coming from the airport with

3:24

my homie, Dr. Gary Chapman. And

3:27

so make sure you sign up for Patreon for that.

3:30

Well, without further ado, this

3:32

is a person I've been wanting to have

3:34

on the podcast since the podcast inception. And

3:39

I said, God, if you build this podcast big enough, then when I

3:41

do ask this, this

3:44

is a person that I'm going to be talking to.

3:47

Then when I do ask this,

3:50

this, this king in the kingdom to

3:54

come on the podcast, I

3:56

hope to get a yes. And God favored me for such

3:58

a time as this. without further

4:00

ado, welcome to the Dear Future

4:02

Wifey Podcast, my homie, Dr. Gary

4:04

Chapman. Thank you, great to be

4:07

with you. You've never been introduced as somebody homie on

4:09

the podcast before, have you? I have not. My

4:13

homie, Dr. Gary Chapman. Listen, man, I'm

4:15

so honored to have you on the

4:17

Dear Future Wifey Podcast. What made you

4:19

say yes? I

4:21

don't know, I just, my, the gal from

4:24

Moody Publishers who's kind of sets things up

4:26

for me like this, she said, I think

4:28

this would be a good place for you

4:30

to go. I just go

4:32

on her judgment. Good, shout out to Janice. I'm

4:35

hoping she's right. Yeah, she right, Janice, shout out

4:37

to Janice for

4:39

the recommendation, I appreciate you so much.

4:42

Listen, a lot of people

4:45

have heard the five love

4:47

languages, but they're not familiar

4:49

with your face, they're not even familiar with

4:51

your name attached to it. I'll talk to

4:53

people and I'll ask them, or they'll even

4:55

say, what's your love language? And

4:59

it's interesting because they don't even know where that

5:01

came from. And then I'll ask

5:03

them, do you know who the creator of

5:05

that is? And they're like, no. So

5:07

Dr. Gary Chapman, they was like, I don't know who that

5:09

is. Matter of fact, we were eating breakfast

5:12

a minute ago, I asked the waitress

5:14

after you went to the restroom, I said, have you

5:16

heard the five love language? She said, oh, certainly. I

5:18

said, you know, that's the guy that created it. She

5:20

was like, it is? How do you

5:22

feel about that? Well, I'm just

5:24

glad that people get the message, whether they

5:26

know me or not, it's not important. Knowing

5:28

me ain't gonna help them. But

5:32

knowing the message of the five love

5:35

languages is gonna greatly enhance

5:37

all of their relationships. Why do you feel

5:39

that way? Because I've seen it

5:41

happen throughout the years. You know,

5:43

it really grew out of my counseling over

5:46

and over and over. I'll never forget

5:48

the day, many years ago, when

5:51

I first encountered in my office, the

5:54

reality that what makes one person

5:56

feel loved doesn't

5:58

make another person feel loved. A couple

6:01

came in, I'd never met

6:03

them. Found out later they'd been married

6:05

to each other for 30 years. They

6:08

sat down and the wife started talking immediately and

6:10

she said, before we start, let me just tell

6:12

you a little bit about us. She

6:15

said, we don't argue. We

6:17

don't believe in arguing. We

6:19

don't have any money problems. And she went on with

6:21

two or three more positive things and I was beginning

6:23

to wonder, did they come

6:26

in to tell me what a good marriage they have? Then

6:30

she started crying and she said,

6:32

the problem is I just

6:34

don't feel any love coming from him. She

6:38

said, we're cordial, but we're like

6:41

roommates living in the same house. He

6:43

does his thing, I do my thing. There's

6:45

nothing going on between us and

6:48

I feel so empty inside. I

6:51

looked over at her husband and he said, I

6:54

don't understand her. I

6:57

do everything I can to show her that I

6:59

love her. And she sits

7:01

there and tells you what she's been telling

7:03

me. She doesn't

7:05

feel loved. He said,

7:07

I don't know what else I can do. I

7:11

said, well, what do you do to

7:13

show your love to her? He

7:15

said, well, I get home from work

7:17

before she does. I start the evening

7:19

meal. Sometimes I have it ready

7:21

when she gets home. If not,

7:24

she'll help me. And

7:27

then we eat and after we eat, I wash the dishes every

7:29

night. He said, on Thursdays,

7:31

I vacuum the floor. On

7:33

Saturday, I wash the car, I mow the grass,

7:35

I help her with the laundry. And he went

7:37

on, I was beginning to wonder, what

7:40

does this woman do? It

7:43

sounded to me like he was doing

7:45

everything. And he said,

7:47

and yet she sits there and says she

7:49

doesn't feel loved. He said, I honestly don't

7:51

know what else I could do. I

7:54

look back at her and she was crying. She

7:57

said, he's right. He's a heart.

8:00

hardworking man, but

8:02

we don't ever talk. We

8:04

haven't talked in 20 years. Wow.

8:06

He's always washing the dishes, mowing

8:08

the grass, vacuuming. And

8:12

I realized here was a

8:14

sincere husband who was doing

8:16

everything he knew to do to show his wife

8:19

that he loved her and a

8:21

wife who didn't get it. And after

8:23

that, I heard

8:25

similar stories over and over

8:27

in my office. And

8:29

I knew there had to be a pattern to it, but

8:31

I had no idea what it was. So

8:34

eventually I took time to sit down and read

8:37

several years of notes that I

8:39

made when I was counseling and

8:42

asked myself the question, when

8:44

someone said, I feel like

8:46

my spouse doesn't love me, what

8:49

did they want? What

8:51

were they complaining about? And

8:53

their answers fell into five categories. And

8:56

I later called them the five love

8:58

languages. And I started using that in

9:00

my counseling. If you want her

9:02

to feel love, you've got to learn how

9:04

to speak love in her language. You

9:06

want him to feel love, you've got to learn

9:08

his love language. And I would

9:10

help couples discover each other's love language, challenge

9:13

them to go home and try it. And

9:16

sometimes they would come back in three weeks and

9:18

say, Gary, this is

9:20

changing everything. I mean, the whole climate's

9:22

different now. And then

9:24

I started using it with small groups,

9:26

just teaching the concept. And the

9:28

same thing would happen. I guess

9:30

it was five years later when

9:32

I thought, you know, if I could put this concept

9:35

in a book and

9:37

write it in the language of the common person,

9:40

leave out psychological terms that people

9:42

wouldn't understand, maybe

9:44

I could help a lot of couples. I

9:46

would never have time to see in my

9:48

office. That's good. Of course, little did I

9:50

know that as you know, the

9:53

book is sold now over 20 million

9:55

copies. It's been published in over 50

9:58

languages around the world. which

10:01

absolutely blows my mind. 20

10:04

million copies. I can't even

10:06

count that many. 20 millions.

10:09

Listen, Dr. Chapman, 20 million.

10:12

And you said it's been translated in over 50 languages?

10:14

Yeah. To

10:17

think that, we

10:21

talked about this, you know, driving up here,

10:23

and I said, how does it feel to

10:26

be someone who has impacted

10:28

culture on this level? What

10:31

would you say to that? Greatly

10:34

humbled. I

10:36

cannot imagine. People have asked me how do I explain

10:38

that? Yeah. Because, you know, the book's been out

10:40

now for 30 years, and it keeps on

10:42

selling more every year than did the year before. That doesn't happen

10:44

in the books. Which I was about to say, which it doesn't

10:46

hurt us. Yeah, it doesn't happen. And

10:49

I say, when people ask me, I say,

10:51

well, for me, the short answer is God.

10:53

Yes. And the long answer is God.

10:57

I could not have made that happen if I

10:59

wanted to make it happen. But I think what's

11:01

happened on the human level is

11:04

people read it, the lights come

11:06

on, they realize how they've

11:08

missed each other, and

11:11

then they take the quiz, and then they

11:13

start learning each other's language

11:15

and speaking it, and what I

11:17

call the love tank begins to fill up. Yeah.

11:20

And then they want their brother and his wife

11:22

to read it, and their sister and her husband.

11:24

So it's basically gone word of mouth all over

11:27

the world. Like the Bible. Like the

11:29

Bible, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I tell you what really

11:31

surprised me that he went

11:33

to other languages. That's what I was about to

11:35

ask you, because when you have a concept and

11:37

ideology that you may say

11:40

that it's just American, and

11:42

then you find out that other languages,

11:44

because cultures, they see love totally different.

11:47

But to realize that this is

11:50

a common thread between human beings,

11:52

no matter what ethnicity, no

11:55

matter what denomination of faith, no matter

11:57

what cultural upbringing, or even religion, that

12:00

they all identify with that. That is

12:02

a God thing. Yeah, you

12:04

know, my academic background before I studied

12:07

counseling and theology was

12:09

cultural anthropology. Really? I

12:12

did an undergrad and a master's degree, studying

12:14

cultures all over the world and

12:17

how they're organized, how they function. So

12:20

when the first publisher came, which happened to be

12:22

Spanish, they came to my publisher to

12:25

get the rights. And I said

12:27

to my publisher, I don't know if

12:29

this works in Spanish. Yeah. Because

12:31

I'm so sensitive to cultural differences. And

12:34

they say, well, they've read the book and they want to publish

12:36

it. I said, well, okay.

12:40

It became their bestseller. And

12:43

then it just started from one, and it

12:45

just kept going. And for many of the

12:47

publishers, it's been their bestseller. So what did

12:49

they change? They changed any type of concept?

12:51

People ask me, how do you

12:53

know that they translated exactly like you wrote

12:55

it? I said, I don't. I

12:58

can't read that language. But

13:01

you say it's working. But I said, I'm

13:03

assuming that

13:06

when they explain the languages,

13:09

they explain the dialects of that language

13:11

in their language. For example, you know

13:14

their cultures, where if two

13:16

men who are friends meet each other on the street, they

13:19

kiss you on the cheek and kiss you on the

13:21

other cheek. Physical touch. We don't do that in our

13:23

culture, but it is in

13:25

their culture, a natural way of expressing your

13:27

love. So I'm assuming

13:29

they make those cultural differences. But

13:32

it does say to me, well, you said

13:34

basically, that as humans,

13:37

there's a fundamental need,

13:39

emotional need to

13:42

feel loved by the significant people

13:44

in your life. And

13:46

that these five languages seem to

13:48

be pretty basic to human culture.

13:51

And so there are cultural differences in the way

13:53

you express them, but the language of themselves seem

13:55

to be pretty fundamental. What I

13:58

find also impressive is that...

14:00

that God used you to

14:03

be a change agent, to shift the way

14:05

we see love. That is not to be

14:08

taken lightly. You know, when God puts his

14:10

hand on an individual, and I'm very sensitive

14:12

to that, that's the reason why I wanted

14:14

you on the podcast, because first

14:17

of all, it's an honor to have

14:20

someone that you can actually talk to

14:22

that has shifted culture, that shifted the

14:24

way we see love, that began to

14:26

be not only

14:28

just a catchphrase, where it's like, what's your

14:31

five, what's one of your love languages? But

14:33

it's literally an ideal of thought of how

14:35

people decide to date. And

14:38

when you see that, I've watched little dating shows

14:40

where people would be like, so what's your love

14:42

language? And it's funny too, when someone, I was

14:45

watching this one show and they just got all

14:47

wrong, it's like, well, I like walks on the

14:49

beach, you know what I'm saying? It's like, that's

14:51

not one of the languages, but you may say

14:53

quality time, but what does

14:55

that really mean to you? But the know

14:57

that you, sir, has

15:01

God's hand over your life. And that book was written, how

15:03

many years ago, for 30? 30, 32 years now.

15:07

32 years ago. And

15:09

a matter of fact, you just

15:11

celebrated an anniversary, your

15:13

63rd anniversary yesterday, right? Winning

15:16

anniversary. Yes, yeah. Same

15:18

woman, 63 years. 63 years, amazing. And

15:22

I asked you, I said, your

15:24

relationship, married to this woman,

15:28

impact the way you began to write

15:31

and share these concepts. When

15:33

you look at the five love languages,

15:35

I know you looked at all the

15:37

many years and people that you counseled,

15:39

but when you looked at your own

15:41

marriage, how did that begin

15:44

to impact that? Well, let me go back and

15:46

say this. My wife and I

15:48

had lots of struggles in the early

15:51

years of our marriage. We

15:54

were in love and we were gonna be happy

15:56

forever. But it

15:58

wasn't very long. And I

16:00

didn't know that the in love

16:03

thing wouldn't last. I was

16:05

always told, if you got the real thing,

16:07

it's gonna last forever. Yep, last. Well, I

16:09

came down off that high and then we

16:11

had differences. What year was that that you

16:13

came off of it? Oh,

16:16

well, we dated two years before we got married.

16:18

Oh really? You waited that long. And I came

16:20

down pretty soon after the honeymoon. Ha

16:23

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

16:25

ha ha. Because the average lifespan

16:27

of the in love euphoria is two

16:29

years. You said so

16:31

once you got married. Yep, yep. He was

16:33

coming down. And then I came down and

16:35

then we ended up arguing because I knew

16:37

I was right. She knew she was right.

16:39

I tried to convince her. She tried to

16:41

convince me. I remember

16:43

one night it was pouring down rain outside

16:47

and we were in an argument. And

16:49

in the middle of the argument, my wife

16:51

walked out the front door into the rain.

16:54

And I thought, this is bad. This

16:57

is when the woman walks in the rain. It's

16:59

bad. So yeah,

17:02

we had lots and lots of struggles.

17:04

And I remember having the feeling, I

17:07

think I married the wrong person. Yep. What

17:10

did you do in that moment when she walked in the

17:12

rain? Did you go get her? No, no, I just let

17:14

her walk. And eventually she came back soaked. Ha ha ha

17:16

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

17:18

ha ha ha ha ha ha. I didn't want to follow

17:21

her and be arguing in the rain. Ha ha ha ha

17:23

ha ha ha ha ha. If she wants to get wet,

17:25

that's her thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

17:27

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But

17:30

you know, looking back on

17:32

it. Well, let me ask you this, Dr.

17:35

Chapman, what was the argument about?

17:37

Do you remember that? Oh, I don't remember. That's what I'm saying,

17:39

isn't that crazy? Oh yeah. Do you remember

17:41

how you felt? You can remember a walk in the rain.

17:43

You can remember everything else. But if I say, what was

17:45

the argument about? Don't remember. No, I don't remember. Don't remember

17:47

that, you know. But

17:50

now before I came down off the high, and

17:54

I didn't know anything about love languages. Of course.

17:56

I gave her words of affirmation. I

17:59

told her, I said, You know, honey, I love you.

18:01

I'm so glad I married you. I

18:03

really appreciate what you did. I

18:05

just gave her words of affirmation. And

18:08

I probably told her a dozen times a day in

18:10

those early days, you know, I love you, honey. I'm

18:12

so glad I married you. I love you, love you,

18:14

love you. And one night she said

18:16

to me, you

18:18

keep on saying I love you. If

18:20

you love me, why don't you help me?

18:23

I said, what do you mean? She

18:26

said, well, you don't ever offer to wash the

18:28

dishes or vacuum the floors or clean the toilet.

18:30

I mean, you don't offer to do anything. Now,

18:33

I was in graduate school. Two

18:35

weeks after we got married, I enrolled in

18:37

seminary. Just studied to be a pastor. And,

18:42

but she told, she said, if you love me, you

18:45

would help me. And when

18:47

I heard her rattle off those things, I didn't

18:50

say this. But what I thought was, what

18:53

are you talking about? My mother did those

18:55

things. But

18:59

looking back on that, she

19:01

was telling me her love language. Yes, she was. It

19:03

was acts of service. I was giving

19:06

her words of affirmation. In

19:08

my mind, I was expressing love to her, but

19:10

it wasn't coming across to her. If you love

19:12

me, do something. At that time, did you

19:14

feel loved by her? Yeah,

19:16

at that time. But later on, when we got into

19:19

the arguments and all of that, I lost the positive

19:21

feelings and I didn't feel loved by her. I thought

19:23

if she loved me, she'd do what I said. And

19:29

then I had negative feelings toward her. And

19:32

as I said, I started thinking, I've

19:34

just married the wrong person. This is not gonna work.

19:36

In fact, I kinda got upset with God because

19:39

I said, before I got married, I told you,

19:41

don't let me marry her if she's not the

19:43

right one. And you let me do it. And

19:46

here I am miserable. And that

19:48

was your what, two? Oh yeah, it was in the second year.

19:51

The second year of knowing her, based on much.

19:56

So it's the first year of marriage. Your first

19:58

year of marriage was extremely. It started off

20:00

bad. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the first few weeks or

20:02

months, couple of months maybe, it was fine, but

20:05

then it went downhill. And

20:07

were you all in counseling? Did you ever do pre-marital counseling? Oh

20:10

no, I didn't even know that there was such a thing as

20:12

a counselor. Yeah. And we never read a

20:14

book on marriage. No, most people don't. I don't know

20:16

if there was a book on marriage. No, probably wasn't.

20:18

And we had one hour with the pastor. The book

20:20

of marriage was the Bible. That's all they gave us

20:22

back then. Yeah, we had one hour with the pastor

20:24

who married us. And that

20:26

was mostly about the wedding. So,

20:30

but we didn't think we needed any help. You know,

20:32

when you're in love, you don't need any help. We

20:35

love each other. We gonna get

20:37

married, now kids, and be great. But you know,

20:39

looking back on that, if

20:42

we had not gone through that, and I

20:45

had not felt the deep pain of

20:47

being married, but feeling unloved,

20:51

and feeling like it's not working, I

20:53

would not have had empathy for

20:56

people who sit in my office and say,

20:58

we have no hope. There it is. Because

21:00

I feel empathy for them. It

21:02

brings back those memories to me. And

21:05

you know, when I sometimes say with people I'm counseling

21:07

who share that with me, I

21:10

say, you know, I can understand that. I

21:12

can see how you get to that place. Because

21:14

I remember I was there one time. So

21:17

what about this? Would you be

21:19

willing to go on my

21:21

hope for you? Because

21:24

I have hope for you. Over

21:27

the years, I've counseled a lot of people

21:30

who feel exactly like you feel. Yeah. They're

21:33

different now. So if you're

21:35

willing to go on my hope, I'll

21:37

be willing to meet with you. And we'll try some things,

21:39

and we'll see what can happen. And

21:42

if they are, and most of the time they are, then

21:45

things can happen. You know, and it's

21:47

just exciting. I'd say one

21:49

of the most exciting experiences I've ever had, a

21:53

man was in hospice. I

21:57

went to see him. And

21:59

when I walked in, and his wife was there and

22:01

he said, Dr. Chapman, thank you for coming

22:03

because we're sitting here planning my funeral and

22:06

you can help us. And so

22:08

I took notes, you know, we

22:10

talked. And when we got through, I

22:12

said, well, let me

22:14

pray for you. And I held his hand, she got on

22:17

the other side of the bed and held his hand and

22:19

I reached across the bed and held her hand and I

22:21

prayed for both of them. And

22:24

when I got through, I released his hand, I released

22:26

her hand, but he held onto her hand and

22:29

he brought it to his face and he kissed

22:31

her hand. And when he did, I started crying

22:34

because I remembered 30 years ago when

22:38

they sat in my office and said, we

22:40

have no hope. And

22:43

here they are 30 years later at

22:46

the end of the journey loving each

22:48

other. And I remember when they walked

22:51

out of my office after nine months of counseling,

22:53

they walked out and said, Dr. Chapman, we never

22:55

believed it, but we love each

22:57

other again. And then to

22:59

see them 30 years later, I mean,

23:02

that's the reward of counseling. Dr.

23:05

Chapman, you ain't about to have me cry right now. Oh

23:08

my God, 30 years later. Oh

23:12

my God. When you look back at

23:14

that, how did y'all navigate? Cause like,

23:16

you know, they didn't have counseling back

23:18

then. So how did you, well,

23:21

they had it, but it was so taboo. It was

23:24

like, you have to be mentally insane if you were

23:26

going to a counselor or something. What's wrong with you?

23:28

What's wrong with your marriage? You have to go through

23:30

counseling. Now it's been normalized. But

23:32

when you look back at that 60, you

23:36

know, two years ago, how

23:40

did y'all navigate that rough space? Well,

23:42

I'll tell you what happened. I

23:44

got to the end of my rope cause I was thinking,

23:47

I'm in seminary starting to be

23:49

a pastor. And I'm thinking there's

23:51

absolutely no way I

23:54

can ever stand in front of people and preach hope

23:57

when I don't even have hope. And

24:00

I said to God, I don't know

24:02

what else to do. I've

24:05

done everything I know to do, it's not working. As

24:08

soon as I said that, the kingdom

24:10

I made, a visual image of

24:12

Jesus on his knees, washing the

24:15

feet of his disciples. And

24:18

I heard God say to me, that's the

24:20

problem in your marriage. You do not

24:23

have the attitude of Christ toward

24:25

your way. It hit me like

24:28

a ton of bricks. It just hit me. And

24:32

I started crying and I said, God

24:35

forgive me with all of

24:37

my study in theology. I've missed the

24:39

whole thing. Because I remember what

24:41

Jesus said, when he finished washing their feet, he stood

24:44

up and said, you call me master and Lord, and

24:46

you are right. But in

24:48

my kingdom, the leader serves. That

24:50

part. You know? And I knew that was not

24:52

my attitude. You know, my attitude had been something

24:54

like, I know how to have

24:56

a good marriage. If you listen to me, we'll have

24:58

one. She wouldn't listen to me and I blamed her.

25:02

That day I got a different message. And I said, forgive

25:05

me Lord, and please give me the

25:07

attitude of Christ toward my wife. In

25:10

retrospect, it's the greatest prayer I ever

25:12

prayed about my marriage, because God changed

25:14

my heart and gave

25:16

me a desire to serve her. Three

25:19

questions made it practical for me. And

25:21

looking back on it, these three questions were telling me

25:24

her love language. I didn't know anything about the concept

25:26

then. But I started

25:28

asking her that question. Question number one, honey, what could

25:30

I do to help you? Question

25:33

number two, what could I

25:35

do to make your life easier? Oh, that's

25:37

a good one. Question number three, how could

25:39

I be a better husband? And

25:42

when I was willing to ask those questions, she was willing to

25:44

give me answers. And I started

25:46

doing those things. Say looking back, I

25:48

said, she was telling me her love language. And

25:51

I was speaking it now. It

25:53

didn't, our marriage didn't change overnight, but

25:56

within three months, my wife

25:58

started asking me those three questions. What

26:01

can I do to help you? How

26:03

can I make your life easier? How can I be a better

26:05

wife? So we've been

26:07

walking this road a long time now in which

26:09

I've been reaching out to serve her, she's been

26:11

reaching out to serve me. And

26:14

what happens is you both become winners. You

26:17

know, in the early days, we were losers. I

26:19

shot her, she shot me, we stayed wounded most

26:21

of the time. Then we became

26:23

winners. And even that's not the end. Once

26:26

you get it going like that, then each

26:28

of you can turn and bless the world with

26:30

whatever abilities God has given you. Dr. Chapman,

26:32

there it was right there. So

26:36

I'm just grateful that God changed

26:38

my attitude. I wanted

26:41

her on the podcast to

26:43

join you, but she doesn't do

26:45

many interviews, does she? She does not.

26:47

Her energy level is not really the

26:50

best at this point. I mean, she's

26:52

still active and all, but if she gets out for an

26:54

hour or two, she has to go home rest an hour

26:57

or two. So she doesn't do many interviews.

27:00

What do people know? How old are you? I'm 86.

27:02

86 years old. Married

27:04

63 years and my wife says she doesn't know how

27:06

that could be possible because she's only 49. I

27:10

said she got that bitch in her butt. She's

27:12

actually 85. He got him a younger lady. He got

27:14

him a younger lady. So

27:17

when you met her, what made you decide to marry

27:19

her? Well, I had

27:21

known her really all my life. We

27:23

grew up in the same church. But

27:25

in high school, I dated her best girlfriend.

27:29

And I was in love with her best girlfriend. But

27:32

when I went off to college in Chicago, she

27:35

wrote me a Dear John letter six

27:37

weeks and she said, Chicago's too far

27:39

away. I think we need to

27:41

go our separate ways. And my heart was broken. And

27:45

I think it was two years later when I was at

27:48

home for a holiday, I

27:50

saw Carolyn in church

27:52

and I thought, my goodness, how

27:54

did I miss her? And

27:57

so we started talking after service and I found out.

27:59

She was getting ready to, she wanted to go to

28:01

college. She'd been working two or three years to get

28:04

money to go to college. And

28:06

so we started a two year letter writing

28:08

relationship because I was in Chicago, she was

28:11

going to school in Tennessee and

28:13

we wrote letters for two years before

28:16

we got married. So for the people

28:18

that's young, they didn't have

28:20

cell phones back then. That's true. They

28:24

couldn't text, they didn't have Instagram, they

28:26

didn't have, MySpace wasn't even around back

28:28

then. That's right. They didn't write letters.

28:31

And you couldn't use the telephone. They had

28:33

telephones on the wall, but that costs money.

28:35

We couldn't afford telephone calls. When

28:39

you look back at that on how y'all courted

28:41

by letters, what do you think is the power

28:43

behind that? Well, we were

28:45

communicating. When you write letters,

28:47

handwritten letters, I mean, you have to think

28:49

about what you're saying. So we were communicating

28:51

with each other and sharing with each other

28:54

and building our relationship. It was

28:56

really positive. Was

28:58

it any pushback from her

29:00

knowing that you had dated her best friend?

29:03

No, it was very interesting because she

29:06

said to me real early on after we

29:08

talked at church that day, I'd

29:12

ask her if I could take her home that night. Actually, I

29:14

went back to church that night, asked if I could take her

29:16

home and she said, well, we have a ride.

29:19

Cause I knew they didn't have a car. And

29:22

she said, I'm with my mother. And I said, I'll take

29:24

your mother too. And she

29:26

said, and then she said, well, we have a ride. And

29:29

I thought she was so warm this morning and

29:31

the night she's cold, what is the

29:33

deal? So I gave her time to get home

29:36

and I went up to her house and knocked on the door and

29:38

asked her if I could come in and talk. And

29:41

so in the conversation, she told me

29:43

what happened. That afternoon, she had spent

29:45

time with her best girlfriend and

29:47

her best girlfriend told her, leave

29:49

him alone, I'm in love with him. Have

29:52

you seen him broke up with you? Yeah. And

29:55

I said to her, I said, well, I

29:57

haven't talked to her in three years. how

30:00

she could be in love with me, but

30:02

I'm not going back to her. She broke my

30:04

heart one time, I'm not gonna do it again.

30:06

I said, you can make up your own decision

30:08

as to whether you want to, you know, just

30:10

try to develop a relationship, but I'm not going

30:12

back with her. So she agreed

30:14

to start writing. What do you think, why do

30:16

you think that her friend did

30:18

that? I don't know, I don't

30:21

know what kind of world she was in. Cause she didn't

30:23

talk to you, she broke up with you and then had

30:25

the audacity to say that she, it's one of those things

30:27

where it's like, I don't want to, but I want

30:29

you to have them. Yeah, but now

30:31

later on, she was actually in our wedding. I

30:33

mean, everything worked out. She was the- She

30:36

was a bridesmaid in our wedding.

30:38

Yeah. And my wife had

30:40

a good relationship whether all the way to the point that

30:42

she died. Man, that's amazing.

30:45

So, you know, I have a different school to

30:47

thought about that. I agree that if it doesn't

30:50

work out with one person, I don't care if

30:52

it's your friend or not. If it did not

30:54

work out, do not,

30:56

you know, did not prevent someone else's

30:58

happiness because it didn't work out for you. You

31:01

know, a lot of times people have rules. They'd

31:03

be like, well, nah, I don't care if my

31:05

friend dated you in elementary, I would never give

31:07

her permission to date you. You know what I'm

31:09

saying? It's like, what do you think about that?

31:12

Well, I think it's short-sighted. It's

31:14

short-sighted. Cause you can't

31:16

compare things 10 years

31:18

earlier. Like

31:20

just cause I saw you first that it just changes

31:22

the whole trajectory of my life. You know what I'm

31:25

saying? Because if that was a case, this amazing

31:27

woman that became your bride, you would

31:29

have to say, no, I can't even

31:31

date you, let alone marry you because

31:34

I dated your friend who didn't

31:36

want me anymore. Like,

31:38

what kind of power is that? It doesn't

31:40

make sense, logically. It makes no

31:42

sense. And so what year did you feel

31:45

your relationship and your marriage get better? That

31:47

moment that you had with God where he

31:49

told you to take a servant's heart and

31:51

a service approach to your wife around what

31:54

year was that? We were probably

31:56

toward the end of the first year. And then what

31:58

did you do? What was the first act? actionable

32:00

step you made to show her that your heart

32:02

had changed. Well, I started doing those things that

32:04

I was asking her, what can I do to

32:06

help you? And again, she went back to washing

32:09

dishes and vacuuming floors and those things. So I

32:11

started doing those things, you know? And what was

32:13

her response? What did she say? Well, then she

32:15

started telling me how much she appreciated. You know,

32:17

she started giving me words of affirmation, which is

32:19

my love language. Yeah. And then of

32:22

course now she says, I'm the greatest husband in the

32:24

world. And

32:26

I know that's a hyperbole, but it sounds

32:28

good to me. I'll

32:31

take it. And I still wash dishes and I

32:33

still vacuum floors. You know? Really?

32:36

Yeah, yeah. So you never got to the

32:38

point where you started getting, you know, maid service and

32:40

all this stuff? Well, I did about three years ago,

32:43

maybe five years ago. I said, honey, would

32:46

it mean just as much to you if

32:48

I hired someone to come in, you

32:50

know, whatever a couple of weeks or whatever and

32:52

do the main vacuum and the main cleaning and

32:55

all that? And

32:57

she said, well, I don't know, maybe because I was traveling

32:59

a lot, speak and all. She said,

33:02

well, maybe we can try it. So we

33:04

did. Well, now she's the best. The

33:06

lady that cleans the house, one of her best friends. They

33:09

spend time together before she starts to work and

33:11

they have lunch together the day she's working. So

33:14

yeah, so it worked. It's still active

33:16

service, but I'm paying to get

33:18

it done. Yeah. And I still wash

33:20

the dishes. You do? Yeah, because the

33:22

gal that cleans the house, not there, but every

33:24

two weeks, you know. The dishes get

33:26

dirty every night. This

33:28

is interesting because like as y'all evolve

33:31

and I asked you in 63 years of marriage, does it

33:34

get easier? It gets

33:36

much easier. Once you're speaking

33:38

each other's love language on a regular

33:40

basis and you

33:42

have either worked through your major conflicts

33:44

or you're working through them and you've

33:46

learned how to respect the other person's

33:49

ideas and you're looking for an

33:51

answer rather than trying to win an argument. Yeah,

33:55

marriage becomes much easier as

33:57

you move down that road. Now, if you don't move down

33:59

that road. and you're not

34:01

working at speaking each other's language, you're

34:03

not working at how to

34:06

improve things and how to solve conflicts, no, it

34:08

can get worse. When

34:10

you look at, after

34:12

the first year, it getting better,

34:14

did it quote unquote solve all your

34:17

problems in marriage? No, no, we still

34:19

had conflicts, many conflicts. I

34:21

don't care who you marry, you're gonna

34:23

have conflicts. For one simple reason, we're

34:25

humans. Humans don't think the

34:28

same way. They don't have the

34:30

same ideas about a lot of stuff. We

34:32

don't have to agree, but we

34:35

do have to respect the other

34:37

person's ideas. And then if

34:39

we disagree on something, then what we're expressing

34:42

understanding, and then we're asking, well,

34:45

how can we solve it? How can we

34:47

solve the problem? So you work on solving

34:49

the problem rather than trying to win the

34:51

argument. If you win

34:53

the argument, they lost. It's no

34:55

fun to live with a loser. Why

34:57

would you create one? You

34:59

know what, that's good. It's

35:04

no fun living with a loser, so why

35:06

would you create one? Yep, yep.

35:08

I've never thought of it like that.

35:10

That marriage is about both of us

35:13

winning every single argument, where we're supposed

35:15

to win it together. Absolutely. When

35:17

did that ideology come into play? Well,

35:21

pretty early on when we started, I started

35:23

doing things that she was, whatever she was

35:25

asking me to do, and she started expressing

35:27

words of affirmation to me, then we started

35:29

treating each other with civility, and

35:32

started listening to each other, and started asking,

35:34

you know, well, okay, so

35:36

how will we solve that? Let's

35:38

look for an answer that we can both agree on. And

35:41

when you're looking for answers, you'll find them. If

35:43

you're looking for answers, you'll find them. Was

35:48

there any points in your marriage where you

35:50

felt that feeling arise again where

35:53

I married the wrong person?

35:55

Year seven, they say the seven

35:57

year itch kicks in around year seven where we

35:59

start. regretting the

36:01

decisions that we made. Did

36:04

you experience that? No,

36:06

once we turned the corner and we started moving

36:09

in the positive direction of loving each other in

36:11

the right language, I wouldn't have called it that

36:13

in those days, but said exactly what we

36:15

were doing. No,

36:18

no, I never had the sense after that I married the

36:20

wrong person. And looking

36:22

back on our marriage, I

36:24

would say I would not be the person I am

36:27

without her. And she

36:29

feels the same way. We've

36:32

helped each other become the persons

36:35

that each of us felt like God wanted us to

36:37

be. And we've invested our

36:39

lives in reaching out to help people with

36:42

the various abilities that we have. She's

36:44

a musician. Well, I'm not. I

36:47

can't sing, fucking sing, but usually I don't

36:49

because I don't want anybody else to hear

36:51

me. You know? You

36:53

wanna offend anybody. I don't offend

36:55

anybody, that's right. So

36:58

when you look at that, when you say you feel in

37:01

the core of your being that

37:03

the success that you've experienced wouldn't have happened

37:05

without her by his eye. I really believe

37:07

that. Why, explain that. I really

37:10

believe that. Because I think she's

37:12

encouraged me along the way. I

37:14

never saw myself as a writer. Never

37:16

even thought about writing a book. But

37:18

she was an English major. And

37:21

so she's edited all of my books. Are

37:24

you serious? And the publisher tells me, when

37:26

we get your manuscripts, they're the

37:28

cleanest manuscripts we ever get. And

37:31

I said, there's a reason for that. Her name is Carolyn.

37:34

She edits all of them. Yeah. Ha

37:36

ha ha ha ha ha. Well, I mean, I

37:39

didn't marry her to be an editor, you know?

37:41

But it just happened that that's one of

37:44

the skills she has and she's used that.

37:46

And I tell her, I said, now when you're

37:48

reading, honey, anything you feel like, because we share

37:50

a lot of our story in all different books.

37:53

I said, anything you don't feel comfortable with, you

37:55

just let me know. We'll reword it and work

37:57

it out or leave it out, you know? But

37:59

she... We both agreed pretty much

38:01

two years ago, if we're gonna

38:04

help people, we need to be honest about our

38:06

own struggles in the rich. And so,

38:09

we share our failures as well as our

38:11

successes. And so, yeah,

38:13

I just, you know, it's

38:16

obvious to me that God brought us together and

38:18

God has used both of us to help the

38:20

other person. And that's why I gave reference to

38:22

it. I started calling it a

38:25

one's purpose partner. The

38:27

person that comes alongside of you, they're

38:29

more than a wife, they're more than a husband,

38:32

they're your purpose partner. They come

38:34

alongside of you to help you fulfill God's

38:36

purpose in your life. And when you marry

38:38

the right person, because we always say the

38:40

right person, you know, I

38:42

just believe that we treat the person

38:45

right and cultivate out of them, when

38:47

the Bible says, wash them with the water

38:49

of the word, that we treat our wives

38:51

like that and you'll be able to extract

38:53

those beautiful gems to help bring purpose into

38:55

both of y'all's lives. When

38:58

you look at that and you said that, there was

39:00

such an interesting thing you shared with me about how

39:03

the Five Love Languages came to

39:05

be with the publisher. And

39:08

explain that story about when you

39:11

partner with Moody, the

39:14

way they wanted to steer their publishing

39:17

company and how you came instrumentally. Yeah,

39:19

well, Moody is a long-term Christian publisher

39:21

over a hundred years, Moody publishers in

39:23

Chicago. But they said

39:25

to me, you know, we have just decided

39:27

that we want to publish some books that

39:30

are not overtly Christian, but

39:33

they're helpful to people and

39:35

Christians will know that you can find this stuff

39:37

in the Bible, but the

39:39

non-Christian won't be turned off by reading the first

39:42

chapter and seeing all these scripture verses and say,

39:44

well, this is a religious book and throw it

39:46

down. Yeah. So the Five

39:48

Love Languages was one of the first books

39:50

they published with that philosophy. So

39:52

you won't find a lot of scripture verses

39:55

in the Five Love Languages. Now I might

39:57

say, you know, an ancient Hebrew proverb. An

40:00

ancient Hebrew proverb says, life

40:03

and death is in the power of the tongue.

40:06

And I go on and talk about

40:09

it. An ancient Hebrew proverb. An ancient

40:11

Hebrew proverb. So in fact, I've had

40:13

people say, I didn't know

40:15

you were even a Christian till I got to the end of

40:17

the book. Because at the end of the

40:19

book, what I say is, I

40:22

have given you information on how

40:24

to effectively love another person by

40:26

learning their love language. I

40:29

can't give you motivation. Love

40:31

is a choice. You

40:33

make a choice to invest time and

40:35

energy in trying to meet a need for

40:38

the other person. I said,

40:40

I can't give you motivation. In fact, I had a man

40:42

say to me, my wife and

40:44

I read your book, we took

40:46

the quiz, her language

40:48

is acts of service, but

40:50

I'll tell you and her if it's

40:52

going to take my washing dishes and my

40:54

vacuuming floors for her to fill up, she

40:56

can forget that. Really? And I said to

40:58

him, that's your choice. If

41:02

you want to live with a wife who

41:04

has what I call an empty love tank,

41:06

that's your choice. I said,

41:08

I much prefer to live with a wife who has

41:11

a full love tank. So I do wash dishes and

41:13

vacuum floors. But you

41:15

see what he was saying? Yeah. I'm

41:17

not going to do anything I don't want to do. He's

41:20

selfish. Selfishness is

41:22

the opposite of love. Love

41:24

is the choice to invest your life and

41:27

your time and your energy in doing something

41:29

to help other people. Yes. Selfishness,

41:33

I'm in this for what I can get out of it. So

41:36

they're business leaders who are selfish. I

41:39

had a business leader, a guy that

41:41

had a construction company.

41:44

He said, I don't care if my men feel appreciated

41:46

or not. I pay them to get the job done,

41:48

they get the job done, find they don't, I fire

41:50

them. He's

41:52

in there to make money. He doesn't care about the people

41:55

who work for him. Well,

41:57

that's the opposite of love. Because love wants

41:59

to enrich. the lives of the people

42:01

that you encounter, whether it's a

42:03

marriage or any other relationship. You

42:08

be dropping gems. It's so amazing when you

42:10

look at people get to the year 63.

42:13

I've never had the honor of speaking to

42:15

someone who's been married that long. Like I

42:17

said, the longest I think is somebody that's

42:19

like 45 years or whatever, but

42:22

63 years. You

42:24

got married, wow, like

42:27

you were young. I mean you were 23 years old. 23 years

42:29

old. What did you see yourself then? I know

42:34

you were going through the Clerge. You

42:36

want to be a pastor? Was that the goal? Yeah,

42:39

I wanted to be a pastor and then by

42:41

the time I finished Moody Bible Institute in Chicago,

42:43

I really felt God was leading me to the

42:45

mission field. Oh, really? You're gonna be a missionary.

42:47

Yeah, and that's why when

42:50

I went to Wheaton College, I majored in

42:52

anthropology, which is a great background

42:54

for working in other cultures. But

42:56

what happened eventually is we

42:59

talked to the mission board and because my vision

43:01

was I want to work

43:03

with nationals and train them to reach

43:05

their country for Christ. And

43:07

so the mission board said, well you know that would

43:10

probably be like teaching in a seminary and

43:12

it would be helpful if you had the PhD. So

43:15

I went back to seminary for three more years

43:17

and got the PhD degree. Then

43:19

we applied officially to the mission board

43:21

and got turned down. Wow. Because of

43:23

my wife's health. She was having really

43:25

hard problems at that time physically. She

43:27

was gonna go with you? Oh

43:29

yeah, she was gonna go with me but they said we

43:31

can't send you. We were going to Africa. We were going

43:33

to Nigeria Africa because there's a seminary there. But she's always

43:38

had a weak stomach and they

43:40

said we can't send you the mission field.

43:42

Which greatly frustrated us because we were both

43:44

ready to go to the mission Yeah.

43:47

And so you know, but now looking back on

43:49

all of that and

43:52

now seeing my books all over the world.

43:54

I was in Hungary back

43:56

before the pandemic and they my publisher there

43:58

is published 35. my books

44:00

in Hungarian. And

44:02

I was just blown away. 35. How

44:04

many books have you written? Over 50. Well,

44:12

you don't want to do 50 episodes? 50

44:20

books. So anyway, one day I was

44:23

opening a box of books that had come from another

44:25

country. And because we

44:27

always pray for the country and pray God will use

44:29

the book there. I looked on

44:31

the couch and my wife was crying and I said,

44:34

honey, what's wrong? She said nothing.

44:36

I just remember we wanted

44:38

to be missionaries. And now

44:41

your books are all over the world.

44:43

And I started crying. Oh God, let

44:46

me tell you, that's why this scripture,

44:48

one of my favorite scriptures is, for

44:50

I know all things were together for

44:53

the good of them that love God

44:55

into the called according to his purpose.

44:57

Yeah. Yeah. We didn't understand it

44:59

when we got turned down, but obviously

45:01

looking back on it, God's

45:04

plans were bigger than our plans. Oh

45:08

God, that just hit me. We

45:14

hear so often his ways are not our ways.

45:16

His thoughts are not our thoughts. That's the

45:18

epitome of it. That

45:20

God can literally

45:23

take an ideal that you have,

45:25

an idea and a

45:27

good intentioned heart because you had good

45:29

intentions to say, I want to spread

45:31

the gospel and I want

45:34

to do it by way of

45:36

being a missionary. And God has

45:38

allowed your words, your work to

45:40

be in places, your feet haven't

45:42

even stepped into. Yep. Yep. Absolutely.

45:44

Absolutely. We serve a

45:46

miraculous God. When you look back at that and

45:48

you look at the five love languages, how,

45:53

and I guess, well, I got to look at it as a

45:55

lot of people still may not know, maybe,

45:57

you know, hiding under a rock somewhere. person

48:00

is expressing love in some of the other

48:02

languages. Yeah, I've talked to some

48:04

people that be like, well, I'm all of them, I can't pick one,

48:06

I'm all five. What do you say to those people? Well,

48:08

I say, first of all, have you taken the quiz? Because

48:11

the quiz will help you, okay? But

48:15

there's two kinds of people that

48:17

have difficulty identifying their love language.

48:21

One is the person who grew up in

48:23

a family where they received all five languages,

48:26

and they've always felt loved, and

48:28

their parents spoke all five of them to them,

48:30

and as adults, they speak all five. Yeah. And

48:34

with that person, I say, don't worry about it. If

48:36

you feel loved, that's fine. And go with it. The

48:39

other person is a person who grew up in a

48:41

home where they never felt loved, and

48:45

they really don't quite know what it would mean, what

48:47

it would feel like to feel loved. So,

48:51

you know, any one of these

48:53

is fine with them. They're

48:56

all good, but they don't know

48:58

if one's more important than another or not, you

49:00

know? So that's why

49:02

I sometimes say to couples like that, if you're

49:04

married, and you feel that way, about

49:07

every three weeks, what if you say to each other,

49:10

honey, on a scale of zero to 10, how

49:14

full is your love tank? Or

49:17

how much love do you feel coming from me? If

49:20

they give you a number, anything less than 10,

49:23

you say, well, this

49:26

week, what's the most important thing

49:28

I could do to show you my love? And

49:31

so at least on that week, you know, what's

49:34

most important for them. And it may not be in

49:36

the same love language every week, you know, every time

49:38

you ask that question. Because

49:40

sometimes there's circumstances they're going through that

49:43

on this particular week, this is more

49:45

important than my primary even. You

49:49

talked about some of the, like

49:53

I said, the healing properties of

49:55

affirming touch. What

49:57

is that? I want you to unpack that a little bit.

50:00

are you talking about physical touch? Yeah,

50:02

I think a lot of men

50:04

will hear sex. And that's

50:06

what they think. I know my love language,

50:08

physical touch, you know, and what

50:10

they're talking about for sexual part of marriage. And I

50:12

say, well, maybe that is

50:14

your love language. But let me ask you a question. Do

50:17

non-sexual touches make you feel loved?

50:20

And first of all, they look at me like

50:23

a deer in the headlight. Are there non-sexual touches?

50:25

I said, OK. Let's

50:28

say the two of you get out of a car,

50:31

you're walking into a shopping mall, and

50:34

as you walk through the door, your wife reaches over

50:36

and holds your hand. Does that

50:38

make you feel loved? And

50:40

if he says, that kind of irritates me.

50:44

I said, OK, let's say she's pouring you a cup

50:46

of coffee, and she puts her hand

50:48

on your shoulder as she pours the coffee. Does

50:50

that make you feel loved? If

50:53

he says, not really. I

50:55

said, physical touch is not your language. You

50:57

like sex, I get the idea. Yeah, that's

50:59

another whole thing. Don't

51:02

assume all men have physical touch. These are not

51:04

gender specific. A woman can have any one of

51:06

the five. A man can have any one of

51:08

the five. But in a marriage,

51:11

it would be such things as holding hands

51:13

and hugs and arm around the shoulder or

51:15

driving down the road. You put your hand

51:17

on their leg or kissing.

51:20

And yes, the sexual part of marriage. So

51:23

it's affirming touches. As

51:27

you know, this whole concept applies to children as

51:29

well. I have a book called

51:31

The Five Love Languages of Children. Same five languages.

51:34

And you can really discover a child's love

51:36

language, their primary language by the time they're

51:38

four years old. By observing

51:41

their behavior. How

51:44

do they relate to you? How

51:46

do they respond to you? For example, my

51:48

son's love language is physical touch.

51:51

When he was that age, when

51:53

I came home from work, he'd run to the

51:55

door, grab my leg and climb on me. He's

51:57

touching me because he wants to be touched. daughter

52:00

never did that. At that

52:02

stage, she would say, daddy, come

52:04

to my room, I want to show you something. She

52:07

wanting quality time. So it's

52:09

there very early in a child's life. You just have

52:11

to pay attention to it. That's right,

52:13

that's right. Observe how they- And you said about

52:15

four years old. Yeah, it's there at least

52:18

by four years old. I've

52:20

noticed too, and you can touch on this,

52:22

that I remember

52:25

we took the five love languages

52:27

before I got married. I've

52:30

been divorced nine years, and I was married

52:32

for almost 10 years. At

52:34

the beginning, we took the five love

52:36

languages, and my

52:39

love language was physical touch. By

52:42

the end of my marriage, towards the end, I

52:44

took it again, and it began

52:46

to be words of affirmation. Do you

52:49

find that your love language can change

52:51

based upon just life circumstances, or even

52:53

more so who you get married to?

52:56

Yeah, I think there's a sense in

52:58

which the primary love language tends to

53:00

stay with us like a lot of

53:03

other personality traits. But having

53:05

said that, yes, I

53:07

think there are seasons of life and

53:10

circumstances where another love

53:12

language may jump to the top. For example,

53:15

a mother who has two preschool

53:17

children, acts of service

53:19

may not be her primary language, but during

53:21

those years, it's probably gonna

53:24

jump to the top because she's overwhelmed. Or

53:27

a circumstance, let's say your spouse is

53:29

on the phone, and

53:31

they get off the phone and hang it up, and

53:33

they start crying, and they say, I

53:35

just received word that my brother died, and

53:39

they're weeping. Physical touch may not be their

53:41

language, but at that juncture, putting your arms

53:43

around them and just hold them while they

53:45

cry is probably the most powerful thing you

53:47

can do. So yeah, I

53:50

think there are circumstances, and then stages of

53:52

life, in which

53:54

the primary love language may change. That's

53:56

interesting. It was real interesting

53:58

because it also gave me... I

56:00

said, now, next semester, I want you and you

56:03

to find you eight or 10 people to be

56:05

in your Bible study and you lead the Bible

56:07

study. I'll meet with you two guys. I

56:10

won't lead a Bible study. And I

56:12

said, we're gonna multiply this thing. You find,

56:14

next year, you find two people in your

56:16

group. And we got up to

56:18

30 Bible studies going on the campus, small

56:21

groups. And we brought in InterVarsity

56:23

Christian Fellowship, which is a national

56:25

organization, and it's still going on

56:28

at Wake Forest University. But

56:30

on Sunday morning, I taught a class for

56:32

college students and we'd run anywhere from 100

56:34

to 150 students every

56:37

Sunday morning. And one of

56:39

the things that I would teach for about

56:41

10 weeks every year was preparation for marriage. I

56:44

said, you may not even be dating, but if

56:46

you ever plan to get married, you ought to

56:48

learn how marriage works. And

56:50

so my first book near the end of

56:52

that 10 years grew out of that because

56:54

I'd been studying it and I just wrote

56:56

a book called, Toward a Growing Marriage. We've

56:58

now changed the title. Now it's the marriage

57:00

you've always wanted. That's a

57:02

better time. So, you know, and then on

57:05

Friday nights, every Friday night for 10 years,

57:08

we had college students at our house, anywhere

57:10

from 20 to 60, and half of

57:12

them were sitting on the floor because we didn't have that many cheers.

57:16

And the whole thing was Q&A for two

57:18

hours. Whatever they wanted to ask about anything.

57:21

I wasn't the answer, ma'am, but I led the discussion.

57:24

And then we'd have donut, we'd

57:26

have refreshments, donut holes every

57:29

Friday night. That's what kept bringing them out, that those

57:31

cops did. They said, I can get a meal. And

57:33

then they could sit around and talk to each other

57:35

till 11 o'clock and then we'd ring a bell and

57:37

tell you guys to go home now. Till

57:40

11 o'clock at night. Yeah. But

57:43

that ministry introduced

57:45

me, you know, again, to refresh to college

57:47

students. I really loved it because college students

57:49

are gonna go out and have a positive

57:52

or a negative impact on the world. One

57:54

or the other. And it's been

57:57

interesting to see where many

57:59

of those. of students, of course I haven't kept

58:01

up with everybody, but many of them and they're

58:04

all over the country now. Many of them in

58:06

other countries now. I don't know what they think

58:08

when Dr. Gary Chapman became Dr.

58:10

Gary Chapman. It's like, I used to sit down in

58:12

this house when I was 19 years old. Yeah,

58:15

right, it's like I promise you, I

58:17

used to sit in this house and ask

58:20

some questions and all that, it's like, that's

58:22

amazing. The cool thing about it is going

58:24

through marriage, was

58:27

Carolyn always on board with this stuff? Like

58:29

I'm gonna bring all these college students to

58:31

her house and she was like, oh sure,

58:33

she was like, oh my God, what are

58:35

you doing now, Gary? Yeah, yeah, she was

58:38

really always on board. In fact,

58:40

I tell you one of the biggest things,

58:43

a young man came to me, he had just

58:45

finished University of North Carolina and

58:48

he had a job teaching in the public

58:50

school that year. And he

58:52

came to me and he said, I

58:56

grew up in a very dysfunctional family.

58:59

My father was an alcoholic and da da da da

59:01

da. And

59:03

I have no idea what a healthy family

59:05

looks like. And I'm

59:07

wondering, would you and Carolyn be

59:09

willing for me to move in with you and live

59:12

with you for a year so

59:14

I could see what a healthy family looked like?

59:17

And I said, well

59:19

let me talk to Carolyn about that. I

59:22

talked to Carolyn and she

59:25

thought, well, you know, we

59:29

don't have an extra bedroom. She

59:31

said, but we had an open basement.

59:34

She said, we could put a wall down

59:36

there and put a bed in there and

59:39

we could make that work. And then

59:41

we talked to the kids about it. And the

59:44

kids, just two, boy and girl. And

59:46

they thought it would be good to have an older brother. So

59:50

we let him come and live with us for a

59:52

year. And then he's told me since, of

59:55

course he's now in his sixties, I guess.

59:58

He said, Gary, I hate to think what it would be. been like

1:00:00

if I had lived with you all for that year. And

1:00:03

we integrated him into the family. He

1:00:06

had chores to do like the kids did. He

1:00:09

washed dishes sometimes, you know, seriously. Yeah,

1:00:13

he gave Carolyn one of her love languages. So

1:00:15

I wrote one of my more recent books I

1:00:17

wrote called Five Traits

1:00:20

of a Healthy Family. What

1:00:23

does a healthy family look like? And

1:00:25

I wrote it because there are thousands

1:00:28

of young men and women who

1:00:30

grow up in dysfunctional families and they

1:00:32

have no idea what a

1:00:35

healthy family even looks like. And

1:00:37

I think that book's gonna help a lot of

1:00:39

them get a picture of how they can have

1:00:41

a healthy family. What

1:00:44

made you be willing to do that? Just

1:00:47

because I felt the pain of so

1:00:49

many young people who just, they

1:00:52

don't know what a healthy family looks like. What

1:00:54

was your upbringing like? Was

1:00:56

it healthy? Yeah, it was healthy. I grew

1:00:58

up and my mom and dad were both

1:01:00

Christians. They took us to church every Sunday

1:01:02

morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night. Church

1:01:04

was a big part of our lives. And

1:01:07

I came to put my faith in Christ, you know,

1:01:09

rather early in my life. And at 17,

1:01:12

senior in high school is when I felt God was

1:01:14

leading me into some kind of ministry. And

1:01:17

the only thing I knew

1:01:19

you could do, you could be a pastor or be

1:01:21

a missionary. That's all I knew. And

1:01:23

at that time, I thought missionaries worked in

1:01:25

the jungle and I thought, probably

1:01:28

should be a pastor because I hated snakes. So

1:01:32

that's why at Moody Bible Institute, I

1:01:34

studied the pastors course, you know. But

1:01:37

at the end of my time there, I

1:01:39

felt God leading me to be a missionary. Because

1:01:41

I thought, why should I stay here when

1:01:44

the great bulk of the population of the world

1:01:46

is somewhere else? Yeah. So, yeah.

1:01:50

So was that bringing

1:01:53

that young man into your home for that

1:01:55

year? Was it a year? And that was

1:01:57

it? Yeah. And then you kicked him out. Well.

1:02:00

He moved on to another job in

1:02:02

another state. He was not

1:02:05

from the local area.

1:02:07

Was that the muse of the

1:02:10

book, What a

1:02:12

Healthy Family Looks Like? Well, I start out with

1:02:14

that story, just to kind of tell them and

1:02:17

to talk about the need. But

1:02:19

the book itself really grows out of

1:02:21

the biblical approach to marriage and family.

1:02:24

And Ephesians four and Ephesians five are

1:02:26

pretty clear on what a healthy

1:02:29

family looks like. Talk about it, what does it

1:02:31

say? Well, one of them is that there will

1:02:33

be a intimacy between a husband and wife and

1:02:35

a healthy family. You

1:02:38

know, the writer of Ephesians,

1:02:40

Paul, quoted Genesis in

1:02:42

marriage, the two become one. Doesn't

1:02:45

mean we lose our identity, but

1:02:47

there's intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy

1:02:49

and social intimacy, physical intimacy, spiritual

1:02:52

intimacy, deep intimacy in

1:02:54

a healthy marriage. And

1:02:56

then in a healthy family, the

1:02:59

parents will teach and train the children. And

1:03:02

this is really throughout the whole of the

1:03:04

Bible. And those two words are very different.

1:03:06

Teaching is using words, but

1:03:08

training is actions. So

1:03:12

you talk to the child, but you also

1:03:14

show them how it's done. You

1:03:17

can stand there and tell them how to wash a car.

1:03:20

Well, that's fine, but let's get

1:03:22

out there and let me show you how it's done.

1:03:25

So using words, so teaching and training

1:03:27

the children will obey and honor

1:03:29

their parents. And

1:03:32

today that's one of the major problems. We children

1:03:34

do not obey their parents. Why is that? I

1:03:37

think it's because so many parents have

1:03:40

a really totally non-Christian idea

1:03:43

that you just want the child to grow up to

1:03:45

be themselves. Whatever they want to do is fine. So

1:03:47

they just let them do everything. And

1:03:49

they have no respect for authority. In

1:03:52

fact, public school teachers tell me the

1:03:55

biggest problem in the classroom is keeping

1:03:57

discipline so I can teach. because

1:04:00

they don't respect authority. So

1:04:02

if they don't learn to respect the

1:04:04

parents by obeying and honor the parents,

1:04:07

they're not gonna respect teachers or anybody

1:04:09

else. Exactly. They're gonna do what they

1:04:11

wanna do. Well, everybody does what's right

1:04:13

in his own eyes, it's chaos, you

1:04:15

know? Chaos. So anyway, those

1:04:17

are some of the things in that book. How

1:04:20

do you think we can change

1:04:22

that? What are

1:04:24

some principles that we can put into place to

1:04:27

teach kids to

1:04:29

honor authority and become more respectful?

1:04:32

I think one is let them suffer

1:04:34

the consequences when they do wrong. Yes.

1:04:38

For example, if you have a rule, we

1:04:40

don't throw the ball in the house. We

1:04:43

can play in the yard, but not in the house. But

1:04:45

if you throw the ball in the house, you

1:04:48

lose privileges, the ball has to go in the

1:04:50

trunk of the car for two days and you

1:04:52

don't get to play with it. And if you

1:04:54

break something, we'll have to take it

1:04:56

out of your allowance and pay for it. Yeah. Okay,

1:04:59

so the child throws the ball in the house and breaks

1:05:01

a vase. You don't have to yell

1:05:03

and scream at him, I told you not to do that. No,

1:05:06

you just say, you know,

1:05:08

Johnny, I'm so proud of you. You

1:05:10

normally keep the rules, but

1:05:12

this time you broke the rule and

1:05:15

you threw the ball in the house and you broke the

1:05:17

vase. Now, you know what has to happen, right? He

1:05:20

starts crying and nodding his head. So

1:05:22

let's go put the ball in the trunk of the car. And

1:05:25

I don't know what the vase will cost. We'll have to

1:05:27

find out. We'll have to start taking it out of your

1:05:29

allowance. But I'm proud of you because

1:05:32

you normally obey the rules. See,

1:05:34

you're loving them while

1:05:36

you're letting them suffer the consequences.

1:05:38

Oh, you're helping me so much.

1:05:40

And we all learn by suffering

1:05:42

consequences. I remember a father said

1:05:44

to me, he said, my son was picked up for driving

1:05:46

under the influence and he's in jail and I'm gonna go

1:05:48

down there and get him out. I said, you

1:05:51

want my advice? Let

1:05:54

him stay there tonight. Yeah.

1:05:56

Maybe let him stay there a night or two. Then

1:05:58

you can decide what you're going to do. they didn't get

1:06:00

the feel for the consequences

1:06:02

of doing wrong. Yeah. You know? That

1:06:05

is true because I know my parents, they

1:06:10

said, you made your bed laying it. I

1:06:12

was old saying, you made your bed laying it.

1:06:15

I was like, but it taught me

1:06:17

something at a very early age. It

1:06:19

taught me something at a very early

1:06:21

age. And about the whole jail situation,

1:06:23

I remember my friend was

1:06:26

shoplifting and he was going to steal

1:06:28

this recorder from Sears. That's when

1:06:30

Sears is around. He said, steal

1:06:32

the recorder. Cause he said his, his

1:06:35

mom's boyfriend was abusing him. So we were going

1:06:37

to go ahead and be detective. We was going

1:06:39

to get this recorder and we got caught and

1:06:42

we got put in jail for a

1:06:44

night. And when

1:06:46

I called my, I called my dad, he

1:06:49

was like, stay there. I said, hold

1:06:51

on. You gotta come get

1:06:53

me. Like, I

1:06:55

called you for a reason. He

1:06:58

was like, no, stay there. And I was like, keep

1:07:01

up momma. The dad said, he's going

1:07:03

to stay there. I said, until

1:07:06

we, and I spent

1:07:08

the night in that jail. But

1:07:11

then I look at a lot of ways

1:07:13

that our parent, even though

1:07:15

I say tough boy stuff and be

1:07:17

like, I'm going to make you suffer

1:07:19

the consequences. Then I, I

1:07:21

overexert myself with grace and be like, all

1:07:23

right, now next time I'm gonna make you

1:07:25

do this and it'd be a whole lot

1:07:27

of next time. And then next time then

1:07:29

I find out I just enabled my job.

1:07:31

Yep. Absolutely. You know, I used

1:07:33

to go down once a month on Saturday

1:07:35

night to the juvenile detention center every Sunday

1:07:38

and play ping pong and talk with the

1:07:40

kids and all. My

1:07:42

son got to be a teenager. I started taking him

1:07:44

with me and we'd go

1:07:46

down and play, you know, and talk to the kids and

1:07:49

driving home. I'd say, Derek, think about it,

1:07:51

son. Those kids are your age and

1:07:54

they're in there because they broke the law. Yeah. And

1:07:57

yeah, it's again, that's training, training.

1:07:59

them see the results of

1:08:02

doing wrong. Darrell Bock Are you talking

1:08:04

about that, though? If your son did

1:08:06

something against the law, would

1:08:09

you try to cover him and

1:08:11

get him out of jail or whatnot? Darrell Bock I

1:08:13

think the natural tendency is to do that. Darrell Bock

1:08:15

Yeah. Darrell Bock But I think if we realize, unless

1:08:18

we want them to do it again, we

1:08:21

need to let them suffer the consequences of what

1:08:23

they've done. They're far more likely not to do

1:08:25

it again if they suffer the consequences. Darrell

1:08:27

Bock If we remove the consequences, why

1:08:30

should they be concerned? That'd be on me out. Darrell Bock

1:08:32

Exactly. Darrell Bock And so

1:08:34

they go through a whole lifetime, not

1:08:36

obeying laws. Darrell Bock That's good. You

1:08:38

have a premium quiz that people can

1:08:41

take for the five love

1:08:43

languages. Why is the premium quiz

1:08:45

more important than the free one? Darrell

1:08:48

Bock Well, it gives you a lot

1:08:50

more information about yourself. For

1:08:52

example, in that quiz, not only do

1:08:54

you learn your love language, your primary

1:08:56

love language, but you

1:08:58

also learn which of the

1:09:01

dialects within that language. Oh, every language

1:09:03

has dialects. So you learn which of

1:09:05

the dialects within that language are most

1:09:08

important to you. And

1:09:10

it also shares

1:09:12

with you your personality traits

1:09:15

and how your personality interfaces with

1:09:17

your love languages. There's

1:09:20

just a whole lot of materials. Actually, it's

1:09:22

a 15-page writeout that you get. Darrell Bock

1:09:24

15 pages? 15 pages. That's

1:09:27

individualized to you. Now, the quiz

1:09:29

only takes you about 20 minutes

1:09:31

to take. Okay. But you're going

1:09:33

to get all this information

1:09:35

about yourself that's going to help you understand

1:09:37

who you are. Darrell Bock I love it.

1:09:39

Darrell Bock As well as understand your love

1:09:42

language. And then it'll give you

1:09:44

a sheet that you can share with your parents

1:09:46

or your friends or anybody, for

1:09:48

that matter, of

1:09:50

you, who you are. Darrell Bock So if you want

1:09:52

to help me keep this

1:09:54

in mind, you know, imagine if you had

1:09:57

that information on your spouse or

1:09:59

on your daughter. your teenage

1:10:01

child or anybody for that matter. Wow,

1:10:05

it would give you information on how best to

1:10:07

help them. But first of all, it helps you

1:10:09

understand yourself. So yeah, we

1:10:11

haven't had this premium quiz very long.

1:10:15

They told me the other week 147,000 people have

1:10:19

taken the free quiz. And

1:10:21

I told them, I said, you should have been charging

1:10:23

a dollar a piece. For real, for real. But

1:10:29

the premier quiz, there is a charge for the

1:10:31

premier quiz, but it's really worth it. Yeah, I

1:10:33

saw it, it's like $39. Something,

1:10:36

whatever it is, nominal. But I'm gonna

1:10:38

talk to Janice and get like a

1:10:40

promo code and give it to our

1:10:43

subscribers, because I want all of

1:10:45

y'all to take this quiz. First

1:10:47

of all, just to be a blessing to Dr.

1:10:50

Chapman for taking the time to even come

1:10:52

on the yellow couch and share these gems.

1:10:54

I hope y'all found a lot of value

1:10:57

in this. There's gonna be a link in

1:10:59

the description that will take you straight to

1:11:01

the quiz for you to take it, make

1:11:03

sure that you purchase the five love languages.

1:11:05

It also has an accompanying workbook. Get the

1:11:07

workbook. You know, what I

1:11:10

love about the Dear Future Wifey

1:11:12

podcast is that our subscribers, first

1:11:14

of all, they totally support my

1:11:16

guests. And we're

1:11:18

people who wanna learn and do

1:11:21

better in relationships. We're growing together.

1:11:23

We're all on this journey together

1:11:25

where we become healthy individuals so

1:11:27

that we can have healthy marriages,

1:11:29

healthy families, be healthy

1:11:32

employees and healthy bosses in

1:11:35

the workplace. And so I

1:11:37

just thank you for taking the time to

1:11:39

drop these gems on us. Thank you for

1:11:41

giving me an inside look into your life.

1:11:44

And I think you represented Carolyn Well. You

1:11:47

did a good job. I think she'll be proud of you.

1:11:50

But thank you so much. Hey, y'all give it up

1:11:52

for my homie, Dr. Chapman. Gary

1:11:55

Chapman. Stay tuned to the end

1:11:57

for a letter to my future wifey. And

1:11:59

writing these. love led us to

1:12:01

you. Ladarian.

1:12:07

Thrusted suddenly into Child Protective Services

1:12:09

in 2015. My

1:12:12

nephew. Black. A

1:12:14

boy. The likelihood of being adopted

1:12:16

outside of kinship? Slim to

1:12:18

none. Armina. 16

1:12:21

years old. Black. A boy. With

1:12:24

five years in the foster care system before I

1:12:26

even knew his name. The

1:12:28

likelihood of ever being adopted? Yep,

1:12:31

you guessed it. Slim to none.

1:12:35

While Ladarian and Armina were trying to

1:12:37

survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated

1:12:39

and underfunded foster care system, I was

1:12:41

living my own life, doing well professionally.

1:12:44

Having been a single father with a daughter who at

1:12:46

that point was doing well in college, it

1:12:49

was my time to live my life right. Wrong.

1:12:53

I felt unsettled. Tireless.

1:12:55

Agitated. There

1:12:57

are just too many of our black

1:12:59

children stuck in ambiguity and in the

1:13:02

limbo of the foster care system. In

1:13:05

2017, I legally adopted my nephew,

1:13:07

Ladarian. Fast forward to 2019,

1:13:09

I had no ties to this other young

1:13:11

king, but I felt God instructed me to

1:13:13

adopt him also, and I'll bathe. Starting

1:13:16

over with parenting should have been enough,

1:13:18

right? Working with various foster care and

1:13:20

adoption agencies to help bring awareness to

1:13:23

the countless young black kings in the

1:13:25

foster care system should have decreased my

1:13:27

agitation, right? Joining the

1:13:29

board of directors of Advantage Adoption, an

1:13:31

organization that helps find permanent adoptive homes

1:13:33

for children in foster care, should have

1:13:35

led to some type of resolve, right?

1:13:39

No. Not at all. None

1:13:41

of it felt like I had done enough. I

1:13:44

now realize that every one

1:13:47

of those experiences was land the

1:13:49

fundamental foundation for my life's mission.

1:13:52

Kingdom Royale. Kingdom

1:13:54

Royale will be a luxury state

1:13:56

of the art home for foster

1:13:58

boys. Our first location will be

1:14:00

in the in the Dallas Fort

1:14:02

Worth Metroplex, we will utilize the

1:14:05

whole person approach that instills identity,

1:14:07

empowers them to advocate for themselves

1:14:09

and enlightens them regarding new perspectives

1:14:11

and limitless options that they thought

1:14:13

were impossible. Though

1:14:16

the Young Kings will attend the

1:14:18

local public schools that are in

1:14:20

proximity to Kingdom Royale, our at-home

1:14:22

curriculum will broaden their worldview through

1:14:24

participating in the arts, attending various

1:14:27

cultural events, learning about and engaging

1:14:29

in multifaceted discussions about current events

1:14:31

and even relevant historical context, introducing

1:14:34

them to gardening and landscaping and

1:14:36

even caring for our animals on

1:14:38

our farm and onsite stables. We

1:14:41

just launched our startup capital campaign with

1:14:44

the goal of raising $2.8 million. Now

1:14:47

why $2.8 million? Well,

1:14:49

in 2017, I created a web

1:14:51

series in which I performed random acts

1:14:53

of kindness for targeting the homeless community.

1:14:55

One of the most notable successes was

1:14:57

that one of the videos went viral,

1:14:59

garnering 28 million

1:15:01

views. However, one of my

1:15:04

biggest regrets is that I didn't raise

1:15:06

a single dollar to help in implementing

1:15:08

a more sustainable plan for the homeless

1:15:10

community. So throughout the years,

1:15:13

with much remorse, I reflect

1:15:15

that I'm not maximizing that moment. I knew

1:15:17

if at that time, just 10% of

1:15:20

the viewers donated $1, we

1:15:22

would have raised at least $2.8 million that

1:15:26

could have really established long-term support for

1:15:28

the homeless community, or at least started

1:15:30

a long-term initiative to do so. This

1:15:34

is my do-over. This is

1:15:36

our new beginning. Together, we

1:15:38

can attack this at the

1:15:40

root by specifically helping our

1:15:42

homeless black boys who are

1:15:44

already disproportionately represented in the

1:15:46

American foster care system. I'm

1:15:49

LaTerez R. Whitfield. I've been nominated for

1:15:51

three regional Emmys documenting my work with

1:15:53

the homeless, as well as my personal

1:15:56

adoption journey. Despite those

1:15:58

accolades, the greatest... The award for

1:16:00

me is truly providing

1:16:02

the infrastructure for a transformed

1:16:04

life. Visit

1:16:06

kingdomroyale.com for more details. Crown

1:16:09

a king and make a donation

1:16:12

today. That

1:16:19

was fun. I enjoyed talking to Dr.

1:16:21

Gary Chapman on

1:16:24

the Dear Future Wifey podcast. Yeah,

1:16:27

that meant so much to me. To

1:16:29

be able to unpack the five

1:16:32

love languages, a book that has been

1:16:34

so instrumental in my life, in

1:16:37

my previous marriage, and how I see love,

1:16:39

how I show up in love, and

1:16:41

how I wanna give love and receive love,

1:16:44

this was powerful. Well, here's my favorite part of the podcast

1:16:46

where I speak to my future wifey. Dear

1:16:49

Future Wifey, your love language is the key

1:16:51

to your heart, the way you feel most

1:16:53

cherished and understood, whether it's through words of

1:16:55

affirmation, acts of service, receiving

1:16:58

gifts, quality time, or physical touch,

1:17:01

I wanna speak that language fluently. I

1:17:03

wanna know the small gestures that make

1:17:05

you feel loved and secure, the things

1:17:07

that bring a smile to your face,

1:17:09

even on the hardest days. In

1:17:11

return, I hope you'll take the time to learn

1:17:13

my love language. Together, we

1:17:15

can create a rhythm of love that flows

1:17:18

naturally between us, a dance where we both

1:17:20

know the steps and move in harmony. When

1:17:23

we're in sync, hmm, I

1:17:25

believe we'll be able to navigate the

1:17:27

ups and downs of life with a

1:17:29

deeper connection, understanding each other in ways

1:17:31

that words alone can express. Love

1:17:34

languages are a beautiful reminder that

1:17:36

love is active, something

1:17:39

we must continually nurture and cultivate.

1:17:42

By learning each other's languages, we're not

1:17:44

just saying, I love you, we're

1:17:47

showing it in a way that resonates

1:17:49

deeply within us both. Here's

1:17:52

to a love that speaks volumes

1:17:55

in every language we

1:17:58

share. your future

1:18:00

hubby. I

1:18:03

hope you enjoyed this episode of

1:18:05

the Dear Future Wifey Podcast. Remember,

1:18:07

be lit, live intentionally and transparently,

1:18:10

and don't stop loving. Make sure to

1:18:12

subscribe to our Dear Future Wifey YouTube

1:18:14

channel. We're available on Apple Podcasts, Google

1:18:17

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1:18:19

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1:18:21

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