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1:23

Hi,

1:23

my

1:23

name

1:23

is

1:23

Kristen

1:23

Shaw

1:36

And I feel relieved about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

2:02

Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

2:04

We've got, we've got a lot to talk about here today.

2:08

First of all, a Sona is not going to be joining us on the podcast and she has a pretty good excuse.

2:14

She did give birth to her twins.

2:16

She has twin boys.

2:18

I think it's Mikey and Charlie confirmed this for me.

2:23

Is that right? Clearly it's like, yeah, it's Charles and Michael, but she calls him Mikey and Charlie.

2:29

So she's embracing her Armenian past full-on she now has these, these two children.

2:36

And it's so funny because I became like a, a grandfather figure or something.

2:44

I don't know what happened, but I was on the east coast, had to be on the east coast when the babies came and I was so nervous and I kept checking my phone and pacing and my wife kept saying, it's going to be fine.

2:57

It's not. I'm like, well, I haven't heard, I haven't heard.

3:00

And I was texting her husband tack like any word what's happening.

3:04

And then they came and was like, I want to see pictures, pictures.

3:08

And then I wanted more pictures and I totally turned into this.

3:14

I don't know, like it was my grandchildren at all.

3:17

Upset With you that you maybe didn't even act that way for your own Child.

3:20

Yes. I said, it's Mikey and Charlie.

3:22

She said quick, what's the name of our children? I went, wow.

3:24

That's, that's neither here nor there.

3:26

That's neither here nor there is there a name of there's a third.

3:32

That will be everywhere. That's all we need to know.

3:34

But I, I totally lost my mind.

3:36

I was so happy showing strangers look, Sona had our babies and what's crazy is a lot of people listen to the podcast.

3:43

So people knew. So I had people saying to me, so Sona must be having those children should shouldn't watch it last night.

3:50

And I was showing them my phone and walking around, just bellowing at people in restaurants.

3:57

I don't often bellow, but I was bellowing.

3:58

I was very excited. Well, you're a proud Uncle

4:02

godfather garner. What I roll Is

4:04

yeah, I think I'm Evil,

4:06

evil overlord, a satanic rain club, brother, brain.

4:12

I don't know What

4:14

my relationship is, but I, I think of myself is a uncle.

4:18

I'll be uncle Conan.

4:20

You just sent me a picture that morning of the twins before Sona had even texted.

4:25

That's how excited I was. And by the way, let me make Sure

4:27

I, I introduced David hopping.

4:29

David hopping is the assistant who's filling in for Sona while she's gone.

4:34

Which means By law, you also have to be on the podcast.

4:38

Yeah. By law. So you David we're, we're getting excited texts from me and photos before you even heard from Sona, Right?

4:47

Yeah. I was out to lunch. And you said I had messaged you about something work-related and your response was, have you seen a picture yet and then sent one with it?

4:55

Yeah. The proof that I do have a human side, he does.

4:57

Thank you. And You still let people know that.

5:00

What do you think people need to know that? No.

5:02

Okay. Strange guy, David, very strange.

5:05

Listen, I know that you have designs on soon as career.

5:10

You're going to try and take advantage of the fact that she's out creating human life to slide in here and become a household name.

5:19

And I've got my eye on you.

5:21

Huh? It's been a five-year plan.

5:22

You

5:22

have

5:22

been

5:22

telling

5:22

Sona

5:22

for

5:22

years,

5:22

have

5:22

children

5:22

in

5:22

fact

5:22

have

5:29

twins. Yeah. It was a weird thing to say, Wow,

5:34

she has to she'll be out longer.

5:36

And you said triplets for awhile.

5:38

I said five, but she said, no.

5:41

Well, David, have you gone over to see the babies?

5:43

I don't think we're welcome over there. I would imagine.

5:46

Not first of all, she lives very far away in a part of LA.

5:48

I'm not familiar with no, No,

5:51

no. I'm not going to. It's just a part of LA that let's just say isn't part of my normal Route.

5:55

One needs I, a helicopter and then a Donkey

6:00

and a dog sled to get there. But My

6:02

point is that I live in a bubble and I'm

6:07

an idiot who should know more about his surroundings.

6:09

But no, I think they're just having family now.

6:13

Thank God. Sona Has

6:15

a big family because it was quite traumatic for a lot of people.

6:19

I know that lies. And I went through it twice.

6:21

When, when our children were born, Sona has all kinds of family there.

6:27

I don't think she's held the babies yet.

6:30

Anytime I text her, I get a response within seconds.

6:33

Yeah. And I'll talk to her and be like, oh, I just woke up from an 11 hour nap and now seven hour now someone's rubbing my feet and I'm thinking you've got twins.

6:43

I thought you two were just going to you and tack, we're just going to be laid out completely.

6:46

But no, she says, oh my mother's with them.

6:50

This aunt's with them. That uncle's with them.

6:52

This person just came over. We

6:54

got an Amazon package the other day and Sona delivered it.

6:56

She

6:56

now

6:56

has

6:56

two

7:00

jobs. She's taking extra work. Oh, but she's too tired To

7:04

do the podcast. But no she's Doing

7:07

color commentating for the Olympics.

7:11

She just bought a bait and tackle shop.

7:13

And she's working there.

7:14

She's getting, let's just say she's getting a lot of help from what she calls the Yaz.

7:18

I think that is, is that Greek or Armenian term for the grandmothers?

7:23

We, we didn't have that.

7:25

We didn't have that. We didn't.

7:27

I lived far away from my parents.

7:28

And also, you know, My

7:31

parents said my mom had six kids.

7:33

Did they fly out when you had your Kids?

7:35

Yes. They, they came from Boston to New York to see the kids.

7:38

But again, as I was going to say, before, you really interrupted me, you'll have to learn, learn etiquette.

7:45

Yeah. When I raise my hand and make this motion, that means you're allowed to speak.

7:49

Got it. And that's another rule that Sony has never followed.

7:53

But anyway, they came down when my mom had six kids.

7:55

So she was like, oh, they're lovely.

7:58

But that's on you. You know, you guys handle that.

8:01

I had six kids in four years.

8:03

So that's how the Irish do it.

8:06

I was born four months after my brother lived.

8:09

No. Yeah. True story. Come on.

8:11

And then Kate was born two months after me where you just A

8:14

fast gestation or were you sharing womb time?

8:17

There was, it was, it was like Airbnb, you know, it was just, people were Like

8:22

a youth hostel in there. When I was in, in utero, There

8:25

was an app and I remembered I had, this is my womb time, but now I got to get out because Kate's coming through.

8:30

So yeah, it was complicated.

8:32

It was a different time. The Irish are very efficient that way.

8:35

But, but no, we couldn't do that.

8:37

And licensed parents were in Seattle so they could come in and help somewhat.

8:40

But they couldn't stay.

8:41

They're both very busy with what they were doing, which is they they're toffee makers.

8:46

They have it's toffee factory.

8:48

I'd love to spread misinformation.

8:49

But yes, I

8:51

know. I believe that because I don't want it to be true.

8:54

I love So my wife's parents in Seattle have a famous little toffee store and they, they mix toffee all day.

9:01

It's up to the top of the space needle.

9:03

Yes. It's at the top of the space needle. They, they have a little toffee place there.

9:07

Anyway. Check it out. If you love their tophi, it's fantastic.

9:09

But they have to store the toffee constantly and they couldn't get away to take care of the grandchildren.

9:14

And if you let the toffee sit for even a moment and you can't get someone else to stay, they hire someone now because they don't stir it.

9:20

Right. Licensed parents are really good at it.

9:23

Stirring that toffee just right with their little wooden spoon.

9:26

But anyway, again, wasted time, all around, just wasted babble.

9:32

We wish Sona all the best.

9:33

Mike and Charlie.

9:36

Can we say Mikey? Mikey?

9:38

I think she calls him Mikey, Because

9:40

I always hear her saying shut up, Mikey.

9:42

I don't hear her saying shut up, Mike.

9:44

I have shut up. Shut up.

9:46

Shut up. Awesome. Mike. He's the baby.

9:48

Add one. Yeah. And then Charlie is, well, he's also bad.

9:51

They're both bad. Oh God. He's already stolen stuff.

9:54

All right.

9:54

That's true. They found all kinds of stolen stuff in his crib, but we wish her all the best.

10:00

We love her and she'll be back soon.

10:02

So sorry, David.

10:04

Isn't

10:04

going

10:04

to

10:08

work.

10:08

David,

10:08

have

10:08

you

10:08

considered

10:11

twins? No. Do you want kids in your future?

10:14

Probably. Yeah. Well that sounds like a strong commitment.

10:17

I'm happy to take you out to lunch and talk to you about it at anytime.

10:20

If you want any life advice from me, you probably really look up to me as a role model.

10:25

Jesus. Yeah. My guest today.

10:27

Very excited.

10:29

My guest today. No one gives me less than you, David.

10:32

David,

10:32

are

10:32

you

10:32

glad

10:32

that

10:32

I'm

10:36

alive?

10:38

David? Are you glad that I wasn't right murdered last night brutally with a, with a Hacksaw?

10:42

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

10:44

My guest today, it's A

10:46

hilarious comedian and actress who voices, Louise Belcher On

10:49

Bob's burgers. And now you can see her in the Disney plus Series,

10:52

the mysterious Benedict society.

10:54

And she's done so much amazing work.

10:57

This intro doesn't even scratch the surface.

10:58

Very excited.

10:59

She's with us today. I do love her Kristen Shaw.

11:07

Welcome.

11:12

Every time I realize we're friends, I'm always like surprised.

11:14

Why does it surprise you?

11:16

Because, because it reminds me that I've made it.

11:20

Is that a sign of making it now in the business?

11:23

If someone is my friend, that's in class a little bit.

11:26

I mean a little bit that hurt my feelings.

11:28

I mean, I'm sure you have friends that do other things.

11:30

I'll only be friends with people in show business, Dave Hockey,

11:36

he's filling in for Sona. He's my assistant.

11:38

Who's filling in for Sona. Must see and say, hi, David, But

11:41

we are not friends. Oh no.

11:43

I mean, you're an employee.

11:45

David that's that's fair.

11:47

I signed something in. You signed something that said we can never be friends.

11:50

That's true. That'll keep it easy.

11:53

We, we have much to speak about because we've been, I think we've been friends for a long time.

11:58

I mean, when was the first time you came on my show, it must be a big day in your life.

12:03

I should look that up. Don't you have that in your notes?

12:05

When was it guys?

12:06

I don't know. I don't even think he was in New York.

12:09

I feel like I didn't do your show till you moved to LA.

12:11

Cause you went from, you were doing the tonight show, which by the way I bought a t-shirt did you buy a tonight show?

12:17

T-shirt as soon as I knew shit was going down, I went online and bought A

12:21

t-shirt worn it.

12:22

Those are worth a, of a fortune.

12:26

Those are like Owning

12:28

a Dewey defeats Truman newspaper.

12:35

Yeah. It's a, it's a big deal.

12:38

Yeah. It's like having that posted stamp of the Biplane.

12:40

That's flying upside down. That's worth $8 billion.

12:42

I see people write occasionally with a Conan tonight's show merchandise.

12:47

And I say, you hang onto that because that is a historical oddity.

12:51

That's worth A fortune.

12:53

Yeah. I think it's gonna, it's definitely gonna be a memory.

12:56

I'm sorry to bring that up right away.

13:02

You know what? Now I'm surprised we're friends.

13:03

We were, we were second.

13:06

Tonight's

13:06

always

13:06

a

13:09

relief.

13:09

So

13:13

great.

13:13

You're

13:13

talking

13:13

to

13:13

an

13:13

Airship

13:13

pilot

13:13

and

13:13

you

13:13

brought

13:13

up

13:13

the

13:13

Hindenburg

13:13

within

13:18

seconds. No, because I don't think I

13:21

did your show in New York because it was, it was shifting to that.

13:24

And then I wasn't, you did a very sweet thing, which is I

13:28

was on tour in 2009, no, 2010.

13:32

I was on that big tour between shows and I think you came back stage and you had like crocheted, Right?

13:40

NAMI. And I don't know the name of the woman, but it was a fan that I knew that you gave it to me.

13:45

I could get it to you because I knew ready, scared The

13:48

hell out of me. I thought you just meant, I thought you just meant that Wasn't

13:52

it we're back to, I was about to get caught, like confusing.

13:58

My really funny women, Miranda, July.

14:01

Okay.

14:01

You,

14:01

you

14:01

came

14:01

backstage

14:01

and

14:01

that's

14:07

right. You gave me something that a fan had made, but it was you.

14:10

And I thought that was really sweet. And you were on flight of the Conchords and I really well I've always thought you were hilarious.

14:17

You know, you're, you're always good.

14:20

Your money in the bank Is what we say in our business money in the bank.

14:24

That's really sweet. It's true. How much money?

14:26

Well, it's not a lot. Okay. Okay.

14:28

But it's in there. It's sort Of

14:30

in a bit kicks in Bitcoin.

14:32

Yeah. Oh, I still don't understand, but clean.

14:34

It's not real though, right? Yeah. Not real.

14:36

That's why you shouldn't be too excited about Being money in the bank.

14:38

Yeah. That's what I'm trying to stay up. I'm trying to degrade my compliment as much.

14:43

I'll take it. No, that makes me more comfortable.

14:45

Well, I've been watching you be hilarious for years and I've always thought to myself, where did this start?

14:50

Because know you come from a different Background

14:53

than everybody else that I talked to our most other people I talked to, which Is

14:58

you pretty much grew up on a farm, didn't you?

15:00

Yeah, It was, it was out in the middle of kind of nowhere.

15:03

And it's it wasn't like it was my dad's hobby farm.

15:06

He was actually a construction worker for money, but we would get a bunch of heifer cows and get rent a bull once a year.

15:16

And I would just sit and watch the bull, just bone, all of female cows.

15:22

And it was the most terrifying thing you've ever seen if you've ever seen that.

15:27

Because animal penises are like little snakes come out.

15:32

Like, like have you seen it?

15:35

Yeah. It's it's it's yeah.

15:37

I mean Not to brag, but my penis It's

15:41

well it telescopes it telescopes, no girth, but incredible length.

15:48

Then you, you understand that? I would use it as a measuring tape when I'm during construction.

15:54

Yeah.

15:54

No,

15:54

but

15:54

so

15:54

wait

15:54

a

15:57

minute. So you Make

15:59

me too comfortable.

16:02

That's my plan. You grew up, but this is what's interesting to me is I love that you grew up in This

16:07

environment that almost feels like 19th century.

16:10

To me, you're on a farm.

16:11

Watching animals have incredible sex.

16:15

Just incredible sex.

16:16

Well, The, again, as with much of the animal kingdom, I don't think that the steers I'm getting the names wrong or the heifers.

16:23

I don't think the female cows were enjoying it at all.

16:26

In fact, they were trying to get away probably to save their bodies.

16:31

Yeah. That's Sad. That makes me sad because I thought animals.

16:34

No, no.

16:35

I thought I would.

16:38

I wanted To think that animals really enjoyed sex.

16:40

I'd like to think that somebody is enjoying sex.

16:42

I think All the male animals are getting it, getting, having a great time.

16:46

Right. But if you ever watched those nature shows, I mean, have you ever Like

16:50

foreplay in nature? There's no foreplay.

16:53

And it's always like the w the females getting like held down and just pumped.

16:57

And she's just like, staring ahead, like make it and make it right.

17:00

And the guy and the dude is just like, this is my DNA.

17:04

And then the, and then it's over. Do you ever watch bowls high five each other afterwards, we only had one ball also then, so then they would get pregnant and then they would we'd have calves.

17:14

And then we would raise the calves and then we would sell them back to the butcher.

17:21

Oh, wait. So you'd establish a relationship named them.

17:24

You named them awful.

17:26

It was awful because I knew it. I knew where they went going.

17:29

So you grew up probably Unable

17:32

to really attach to a living thing.

17:34

You probably have no idea how to form a real relationship with any human because of this upbringing.

17:41

Maybe meet. No, I, well, I know humans die.

17:44

Yeah. Everybody. I learned everything dies.

17:46

It's all temporary. I wasn't taught that I'm

17:50

Catholic. We all go up to heaven.

17:51

We go to heaven and we hang out.

17:53

We, we, we hang out with Abraham Lincoln on a cloud Catholic.

17:58

I Am Catholic in the way that anybody who is irradiated with Catholicism as a child and four into their teenage years is Catholic.

18:06

Now, what does that mean?

18:08

I think I embody a lot of the Catholic values.

18:10

I'm quick to get angry.

18:17

I use alcohol to feel better about things at night.

18:20

Yeah. There's All kinds of stuff that I think would probably make me a Catholic, but Yeah,

18:24

growing up what I really didn't like is growing up with the concept of hell that really bothered me.

18:30

And I didn't want my kids to think there's a hell because I don't see do Lutherans think there's a hell.

18:35

Yeah. And, and if you're not, if you don't believe in Jesus, that's where you're headed.

18:39

And I, I w I, it took me till I was a teenager to be like, whoa, you guys are sending old people, like maybe three fourths of the world, which seemed wrong.

18:49

Do you teach your kids?

18:51

Like my husband was raised without religion.

18:55

And so, Yeah. Well, he's, we call that godless.

18:57

You married, you married a God, a godless man, a man without a rudder, a man Going

19:04

to hell. Yeah. I there's things about the Catholicism and Lutheran and just like culturally, and also just being mindful with like some prayer before dinner.

19:14

I'm trying to like do prayer before dinner.

19:15

And just some things that I think are good about religion and leave out the bad, like picking and choosing for her.

19:22

Is that going to work? No, You

19:27

can. You can teach kids to have a moral compass without necessarily quoting from scripture.

19:33

So That's,

19:35

that's a possibility. I mean, I, when I grew up every single, everywhere I went, there was those realistic depictions of Christ on the cross that, I mean, those are rough and some of them are very realistic.

19:47

It really does look like a guy who got stabbed a couple of times when the Roman spear and his hands were nailed to the cross.

19:55

And I thought that was very intense.

19:56

It changed my whole a man.

20:00

This is, look what you've brought up in such a short time.

20:02

Oh yeah. You brought up so many intense subjects and, and I think it's, I think it's good.

20:09

I think we need to go with it. I think we need to go with it.

20:12

That was traumatized by those Catholic images.

20:15

Sometimes growing up, It

20:18

definitely painted a picture of like, and it was your fault.

20:20

Like he died.

20:23

Yeah. And I was, I would look at it and go, I never asked you for anything.

20:26

I didn't ask you. I wasn't even around, I was always yelling at the cross that was hanging on the wall.

20:31

What did I add? I never asked you for a thing.

20:33

Were you looking at me for, yeah.

20:36

Forget about it. You know, I turned into a whole different character.

20:40

So you grow up on this farm and you see Life

20:45

unfolding all around you in a very, sounds like a very brutal way.

20:49

But when did you say, okay.

20:52

I think I'm funny. I'm a funny person.

20:55

When did that really do, did your parents know you were funny?

20:57

No. I mean, they would argue that they did, but I don't have any memories of my parents, like laughing at me growing up, like, oh my God, Christa.

21:06

And that was great and all, but I also don't really have any memories of me like performing jokes for my parents either.

21:11

But yeah, I think they thought it was funny.

21:13

Those memories aren't as vivid. As I think in high school, I was, I joined the forensics team, which is a speech and debate.

21:23

I know when I was in High

21:25

school, I joined the forensics team because I thought we would be investigating death and Dead

21:30

body. I swear to God, we'll be dissecting the bodies Of

21:34

people that have been murdered and trying to figure out what happened.

21:35

And then I found out that no, you'll get note cards and you debate these incredibly dry topics.

21:40

I was enraged.

21:43

I showed up the first day with a human foot. I swear to God, we're going to solve this.

21:47

He said, no, no, but the foot, Jesus,

21:51

dad, you

21:55

That would be great. It's good. Investigate.

21:56

And please, For

21:59

anyone listening right now is offended. You know, you knew the deal when you tuned in.

22:02

I love tuned in completely wrongful.

22:05

Okay. But I'm from another era.

22:07

Yeah. The whole idea of police investigating what happened here on the coroners, like there.

22:15

And he's like, well, you know, we're pretty sure he was alive when they put him on the cross, but this looks like a Roman spear.

22:20

And then they're, they're questioning people.

22:23

Yeah. Hey, when you do sorry, tell me to shut up.

22:29

This is great. We want to know about my workout routine.

22:31

Not really. Okay.

22:32

When you That's

22:35

you pouring water by the way, that's no one's urinate, but it's Drooling

22:38

when you, you quit your show and now, but I didn't think you quit your show.

22:43

I think you are just going to start a new show.

22:47

Yeah. Well, everybody was acting like you were dead.

22:50

I did not. I did not play along because I didn't like that.

22:54

But then I was like, well, when people die, they don't get to see that.

22:57

Did you enjoy all That?

22:58

Well, I was just surprised That

23:00

where I was not going to do the night tonight, you know, the late night show anymore.

23:05

And so, but I was going to go and do other stuff.

23:07

And th this is a true story, but we finished the last show on a Thursday the next day, my family and I fly to the east coast.

23:18

So we could sort of just start walking my daughter around college campuses.

23:21

Cause she's 17.

23:22

She's never been on a college campus because of COVID and we thought we should, she should at least start looking at a bunch of schools just to see.

23:29

Does anything ring a bell? Does anything a Harvard?

23:31

Oh God, no.

23:33

Oh no. That's off the table.

23:34

Oh yeah, no, no.

23:38

I got it.

23:42

After what I did at Harvard, my people are no longer welcome there's there are crimes outstanding.

23:50

But We, we went the next day to the east coast and I walked into a restaurant like in Connecticut, this is 24 hours.

23:58

After the last show airs.

23:59

And an older woman walked up to me as I walked into the restaurant and said, what are you doing here?

24:05

I thought you retired from television.

24:09

I've been thinking about that, which is wow.

24:12

Which is first of all. No, I'm sorry.

24:14

I didn't retire television.

24:16

I'm just not going to do the night tonight. Late night show any more.

24:18

But the second thing that was hilarious was Even

24:21

if that were true, I'm allowed to go to a restaurant.

24:24

She

24:24

was

24:24

so

24:24

disappointed

24:24

that

24:24

I

24:24

saw

24:24

your

24:24

farewell

24:24

show

24:24

and

24:24

it

24:24

really

24:24

brought

24:24

a

24:24

tear

24:24

to

24:24

my

24:33

eye. And here you are, stuffing your face with crab salad.

24:37

You fat.

24:39

Fuck. No. And I'm like what happened?

24:42

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24:48

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26:08

Do

26:15

you know how long the fruit of the loom has been a part of people's lives?

26:17

How many years take a guess?

26:18

Wild guess 70?

26:20

No, 170.

26:23

Wow. That's how long fruit of the loom has been around.

26:26

It's incredible.

26:27

It's got a heritage that's filled with firsts.

26:31

They were the world's first packaged underwear.

26:34

Did you know that identity? They were the first brand to air an underwear commercial ever.

26:40

That's cool. Yeah, it was like in 1911 and the first a stamp and unconditional guarantee on their products.

26:45

They were the first they're trailblazers.

26:47

Then these other underwears come along and be like, Ooh, me Too.

26:51

I don't think so. Back of the line, it's fruit of the loom that did it first for the limb crates, quality apparel at an affordable price and tan, dead far, everybody and every body.

27:02

See

27:02

what

27:02

I

27:04

did. Their humanity drives everything they do for the loom is Inviting and warm.

27:09

Kind of like your favorite weld warranty.

27:12

When You shop fruit of the loom, you feel yourself reflected in their products And the stories they tell it's amazing.

27:17

And they're just, They pursue quality, relentlessly, better fit, better quality, better performance With 170 years of spark and soul fruit of the loom will forge on.

27:29

They'll continue to go above and beyond on every standard and putting passion care and optimism into every stitch sewn and every innovation launched for the loom has never settled.

27:39

And they've got new plans to start.

27:48

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty serious. For a second.

27:50

If you think drunk driving Is not a big deal, you could not be More

27:54

wrong. You can get in a crash.

27:56

People can get very badly hurt or killed.

28:00

You can get arrested, you can incur huge legal expenses, even lose your job.

28:04

So next time you plan on drinking, make sure you plan ahead, designate a sober driver or use a ride service to get home safely.

28:13

This is really important. Drive sober or get pulled over now.

28:23

Well, I know I'll do something else, but I want it to be something that really shows my athleticism and where people see the central stuff.

28:32

Yes, that was hidden. I was, yes.

28:35

Oh yes.

28:36

I

28:36

was

28:36

wondering,

28:36

I

28:36

guess

28:36

I

28:36

even

28:36

was

28:36

thinking

28:36

about

28:41

it. Cause I know you're the, what I heard is that you're going to do like one show a month or something like a variety show, but it would be very special.

28:52

It's so funny because they're just so fun.

28:56

We're talking so much about me, but what's so funny is that whoever That

29:01

put out in the press release kind Of will go on to do a variety show for HBO.

29:05

Yeah. Spiel max good shows.

29:08

so funny.

29:24

Cause it said variety show and I had all these people saying, Cohen's going to bring back the variety show.

29:28

Like I'm Dean Martin and women are going to come out at the beginning and go it's cone.

29:31

And it's going to be sketches Remy in a restaurant and you know, today's guest Kristen show.

29:35

And then you're like Gracie

29:38

Allen.

29:38

George

29:38

is

29:38

started

29:38

talking

29:38

about

29:38

how

29:42

cool. Yeah, I don't get a lot of this one over here.

29:44

It's just a real nut job. Well, I better get back to the sketch, then it then why can't it be this, this good to me?

29:51

Well, the thing is, that was so funny is that I found out later On

29:54

that someone I think at Turner, just put variety show in there because that's the category we're In

29:59

and the Emmy's. And so they just put in, you know, it's going to be a variety show.

30:04

And I swear to God, I had people on the streets saying, I know where you can get some dancers and other people saying, I know what, you can get some singers that can go Conan, Conan, Conan, it's the Conan show.

30:14

And I thought, that's hilarious.

30:17

So many people had different ideas about this, what this would be, but They

30:20

were excited to see it live on with you involved.

30:23

I'd like to be seen in a sensual way.

30:26

Yeah. I don't like me wanting to be a superhero.

30:29

So I want to ask You

30:33

a question, which is you have, I think one of the most recognizable voices of anybody on the planet, not just because of Bob's burgers, because all the work you've done.

30:44

When I hear your voice, Are there people that don't know who you are And

30:47

then you start to speak and suddenly you're ushered to a much better table.

30:51

Oh, I, I haven't, I, I haven't been to a restaurant in a really long time, but, but I have, I have brought a joy to people.

31:00

Strangers when they hear me talk in a way that's very rewarding and makes me feel good and them too.

31:09

Yeah. Yeah. They love Bob's burgers and they really, really love below Bob Bob's burgers and they, but something about Mabel and gravity falls, which was on Disney for just two seasons.

31:21

But that did you watch it, Dave?

31:24

You see, I didn't watch that one.

31:26

I'm sorry. Do you want me to lie?

31:27

David's here too.

31:30

Again, he's filling in for Sona.

31:31

This is really awkward.

31:32

I

31:34

do. You know what I love Concord is one of my favorite shows.

31:37

You know, what I love is that David David's here.

31:41

He's sitting in Because

31:43

Sona couldn't be here because she had twins and David's filling in as my assistant.

31:48

And then we Thought we'll just have David sit in here.

31:50

And I love That you turn to him on the one thing he wouldn't know about.

31:54

I mean, ask Him about the free Brittany movement and he's all over, but ask him about Disneyland and he's all over it.

32:00

Oh yeah. Did you go? And it was minimum capacity.

32:03

I Went last weekend and it was great.

32:06

It really wasn't crowded yet.

32:07

They didn't that day.

32:10

But I just read that they're bringing masks back.

32:11

It's confusing. I did get tested after I do not have COVID from Disney.

32:15

David, did you, or You

32:17

all know, did you, or did you not break into Disneyland when it was closed during COVID You

32:22

think I did, but I swear I did not.

32:24

But didn't you live on that little island for awhile? No, That

32:26

was someone else. I'm pretty sure they got a lifetime ban.

32:28

I can't risk that. Okay.

32:30

They did. I think so.

32:32

Well, that makes sense. I guess you just Can't

32:34

live on a Disney island for free.

32:37

Nothing's free at Disneyland now. Get it out there.

32:40

Yeah. But yeah, I liked my voice. I didn't like it growing up because it didn't change.

32:44

When I changed into a woman, it sort of stayed the same.

32:46

And that was a little bit of a bummer.

32:49

People would point it out a lot.

32:52

And I was like, yeah, sorry.

32:54

And I had a speech teacher in college who was so disgusted with how I sounded that she said I would never make it.

33:02

Is that true?

33:03

You Know, what's stunning to me is that you could have a speech teacher who was saying, well, you can't make it in the business because your voice is too distinctive, Which

33:12

is the thing that everybody wants.

33:15

Yeah. I know. I guess it's because that time, you know, and in the early two thousands or late nineties, they were teaching, you know, you did Shakespeare monologues and you did death of a salesman and you had diction, you know, and you were, you were a theater actor.

33:30

And I was just lisping my name.

33:32

She was like name and I was like Christian and shawl or whatever.

33:35

And she was like, ah, the list. She said, yes, she wasn't.

33:39

Her back was to me, I'm here to register as a student to register for your class name, Kristen.

33:46

Oh my God. And she was like, I'm sorry, I cannot help you.

33:49

And I was standing next to a, a guy who was like, I had a crush on, I

33:57

love it when I laughed, turns into tears In

34:01

your face. Cause yeah.

34:03

But at the, but you know, that's the thing.

34:05

When you go to school, sometimes some teachers think that this is how she taught Sigourney Weaver.

34:11

So she thought everyone, if everyone spoke like Sigourney Weaver, then they had a shot.

34:17

Right.

34:19

And that is what makes us unusual.

34:21

That I think gets us where we're going.

34:24

You know, that's always been my theory.

34:26

Some of it is just if you're around for a while and, and, and you wear them down, I

34:31

know it doesn't sound, it doesn't sound sexy or, but, but you stick around for A

34:36

while. And then after a while people say, I guess a guy who sounds like that and looks like that with that weird name and that weird hair can be a late night host.

34:42

You know, I didn't know what I was doing.

34:44

And that's the way it should be.

34:46

I Mean, where is late night going these days anyways?

34:49

Oh my God. You're pretty good at asking questions.

34:51

I mean, obviously.

34:54

Yeah. Why don't you just, why don't we just say, You

34:57

know, Kristen Shaw needs a friend and your guest is coming to the front.

35:03

I've always wanted to do interviews with people.

35:05

Well, you're good. You're A naturally curious and you're asking questions and that's yeah.

35:11

Whereas late night going, I have no idea.

35:13

I'm the guy that did just laugh.

35:16

You will. That's the only option. That's why I seek it about you too, where I was like, yeah, you just quit because the show doesn't really get canceled.

35:24

Like you just have to leave.

35:26

Well, it's this very funny thing I Realized

35:27

at one point that for the first couple of years of my show, back in the early nineties, I was always in danger of losing it.

35:34

Then your reward, if you can, is that the reward is they will never end, but anything that never ends frightens the shit out of me, like going back to Catholicism, I asked a nun once what's heaven.

35:48

And she said, what's your favorite thing to do? And I said, color in a coloring book.

35:51

And she said, well, it's that for all eternity.

35:55

It never ends. And I was horrible horrified.

35:58

And so the concept of, you know what, you can't do this forever.

36:03

Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like that got locked in for you.

36:06

And now, no matter what you want, you're going to be coloring in heaven for eternity.

36:10

Yes. But wow. With great historical figures with Lincoln, who's still going To

36:16

be like, I don't understand. I was at the theater.

36:18

I had my back turned and he's terrible thing in the life.

36:24

I liked that. That could even be a, I could see that being a home movie.

36:29

The whole movie.

36:31

Yeah. Hmm. There's not a whole movie.

36:33

You're a terrible judge of what's a whole movie.

36:34

That's it's not a movie. What are you talking about now?

36:37

I'm angry. You can kick them off your podcast.

36:40

This Is your podcast.

36:41

Now it's your podcast.

36:43

So the minute I turn on you.

36:46

Yeah. And David's now your assistant.

36:47

Do you remember three Minutes

36:50

sketch. It's a three minute sketch.

36:52

Do you have a moment where you thought that we wouldn't have been?

36:57

I thought I was told that we lose our bodies and we're all just balls of light floating around.

37:03

I told you that my Sunday school teacher.

37:06

Oh, I never got that balls of light Floating

37:08

around because that's your spirit kind of like the movie.

37:10

No, that's when you go into that's Tron, you're thinking of, No,

37:16

I don't. I don't think that I don't.

37:18

We have our bodies.

37:21

Why

37:21

I

37:23

Could lose this fridge.

37:23

Come on.

37:28

Are you stuck with the body that you died?

37:31

Oh, see, this is another question too.

37:33

If you go into heaven, which an Elvis is there, come on.

37:36

Elvis has gotta be there, Which obviously you're gonna see, you're gonna see 1955 lean and mean Elvis are going to see 72 bell-bottom Elvis.

37:43

You're going to see heavy Elvis towards the end.

37:45

76 70. No, not yet. Okay. Now I'm going to bring this to a horrible place.

37:49

What about kids that die young?

37:51

Do they never get to be adults in heaven?

37:53

Do they get to keep growing in heaven or are they always going to be whatever.

37:58

Sorry. Okay. What was your question?

38:02

So the are the places you've taken us dead children.

38:06

It's been a tough year. The tonight show, which I think occupies similar categories for me.

38:14

And then, and then tape measure penis, my career being over and yeah, penis.

38:21

Penis is that expand like telescopes.

38:26

That was the scariest thing I said all this whole time.

38:28

That's true. It's true.

38:31

That's so telescoping penis.

38:33

That's fine. Going to ask me a better question and I cut you off with the balls of light for bodies.

38:38

What is the moment when it Really started to click for you when you realized, oh, wait a minute.

38:42

I fit in this business as a funny person.

38:44

I know how to do this.

38:46

When does that happen? Does that happen when you're doing improv?

38:48

Does it happen when you're doing theater stuff at must?

38:51

Right? College college was great.

38:54

Cause I was I'm actually I'm wearing the Meow Meow show could be from college because I wanted to wear something that wouldn't stick in my armpit anyways.

39:06

Yes. College was great. Cause I was in an improv sketch comedy troupe called the me out show, which had as well, Stephen Colbert audition for it and didn't get in.

39:16

Right. That's how funny it was.

39:21

Yeah. I think of him more as a newsman, you know, Steven, he never really got Into

39:27

comedy and I say that with great affection.

39:29

We

39:29

have

39:29

hung

39:29

out

39:29

in

39:29

the

39:32

past. He told a story on another podcast.

39:35

I think it was smartless.

39:37

He told a story about me skiing.

39:39

We ended up bumping into each other and skiing.

39:42

We had a really good time and hung out with his family.

39:45

Who's lovely. But he later told this story about me having to use the bathroom when we were on a ski lift together and not number one, but number two, and that I opened a trap door in my pants and defecated on children who were skiing, Which

40:01

I thought was absolutely hilarious When

40:03

I heard it. But he told it with like a straight face apparently.

40:07

So I had someone on the street come up to me and go, Is

40:10

that true man? And I said, is what true?

40:12

And they went, you Skiing with Steven Kobe and you had to take a shit.

40:15

So you just shit all over these kids and tried to hit them with your shit below.

40:19

And I went, yeah, yeah. That's true because you have to.

40:26

Yes. And in those moments and I'm not, I do not.

40:29

I refuse to be the, the, the Margaret Dumont, the lady in the, in the Marx brothers movies, who was like, I never, I can't be there saying that's not true.

40:36

That never happened. That's ridiculous.

40:38

So I had to go the other way, which is of course It's

40:41

true. That's what I like to do.

40:43

I like To shit on children when I'm on escape.

40:45

So he should have been in Your

40:49

improv group cause he could have done that quality work Smart.

40:53

Well, anyway, that's when I that's, when I was like comedy forever and improv too.

40:58

Once you start taking improv classes, it's like a, like a bug, you know, you have to, you have to like get better at it.

41:04

Right. And then stand up was also really, really fun in New York.

41:08

I did everything I could do. That was comedy related.

41:10

What did you like Better the improv or the stand-up At

41:14

the end of the day to stand up because the improv, you know, it was fun, but it was a little nerve wracking.

41:20

Yes. And I used to get very an improv if you know, there's chances a big part of it.

41:26

And people love to see the high wire act aspect of it.

41:29

But I always wanted to, I wanted the, that every single time it was going to be great.

41:35

And once you want that, you can't really be a true improviser.

41:39

I don't think. Yeah.

41:41

You have to bomb. You have to, you have to have no expectations.

41:44

Yes. Just surrender to the idea that, well, that went nowhere.

41:47

This

41:47

is

41:47

a

41:47

candy

41:50

shop. No, it's not the end.

41:52

It's the real shit.

41:54

And provide you with my daughter.

42:02

I think writers I've noticed in particular are not had that same feeling about improv because I find writers to be a bit more of a perfectionist.

42:11

What's happening with Sam?

42:13

Are we as a time's up? What happened if you just do something?

42:17

No. It's your call, Kristin. It's your show. You get to wrap it up.

42:19

Why don't you?

42:22

I saw, I saw you look over and then I saw the lights.

42:24

Flash. Your head. You started moving around.

42:26

Sam, Sam.

42:29

What's going on over there. I am sorry.

42:31

That's fair.

42:32

I

42:35

know. Especially getting older and not as old as some people here, but no, I am old.

42:42

I know. No they didn't fear.

42:44

Well, I'm just saying I've heard before from I'm as Old

42:48

as I say I am on Wikipedia.

42:50

Okay. How old did you say you are? I have four younger than me.

42:57

It in real life. 41 on Wikipedia.

42:59

I Go in, I go there every day and I have, and David, one of David's jobs, it used to be known as job is get up every morning and put me down as 41.

43:07

That's

43:07

a

43:10

back. Yeah. It only lasts about 10 minutes.

43:12

It's a full-time job.

43:14

Yeah. But he just hammers away at it. And sometimes I have them doing It

43:17

during the day. It's like checking a stock. You have to just keep going back.

43:20

Sometimes

43:20

we

43:20

got

43:20

to

43:23

39.

43:23

No

43:23

one's

43:23

buying

43:28

that. But 41, everyone accepts.

43:30

If you have enough as a 41 year old, I mean, do you feel like comedy?

43:34

I've heard my husband say that sometimes he feels like comedy is a young man's game and I hate to call them out like that.

43:41

But that's when he's like really down.

43:43

I don't agree with that, but I do think you can rack up a number of times when you're old, as you get older, when you haven't been funny that you could convince yourself that you're not funny anymore.

43:55

Whereas when you're younger, you don't have that yet.

43:59

Yeah. First of all, a number of times when you, when you're not funny in a row, I can't relate.

44:03

I

44:03

just

44:07

can't. I don't know. We were talking about, and that's just seemed weird and foreign to me, David, would you agree?

44:13

Wow. Anyway, I had to sign a paper for that too.

44:16

No,

44:16

but

44:16

I

44:16

understand

44:16

exactly

44:16

what

44:16

your

44:16

husband's

44:16

talking

44:22

about. And I know he's a very funny guy professionally, and I know what he's talking about.

44:27

And then I see people or around people like Martin short, Steve Martin, Albert Brooks, who are devastatingly funny and not just verbally funny, but just in a performative way.

44:45

Funny. And, and Bob Newhart, Bob Newhart, I think is 91 or 92.

44:51

And he still is so funny and his putdowns are fantastic.

45:00

And I think, okay, if I could have fought that at my age, Wikipedia 41 real life, 58, I, if I could have thought of that, I'd be very proud.

45:12

And then I think, what are those guys doing?

45:14

How do you call Reiner is another one, Mel Brooks, where you know, very late in life.

45:21

Very, very funny.

45:22

And coming up with funny and amusing ideas, I think there's a kind of hunger that you have when you're younger, that fuels things and helps.

45:35

And then you've got to substitute that with something else.

45:38

And the age old question in our businesses, can you be happy and funny?

45:42

And that gets tricky because you know, there were times where I, I really love my wife and I love my kids and I consider myself extremely lucky and I enjoy my friends and I look around at all that, and it wasn't always the case.

45:55

I didn't always have that life.

45:56

So there were times when I look at them and think you guys, you assholes are keeping me from being funny.

46:00

You're keeping me as Funny

46:03

as I could truly be bringing you down and bringing me Down

46:06

with all their me, loving them and them loving me bullshit.

46:09

I got to get out of this trap.

46:12

I got to blow this up so I

46:15

can reach the next level of funny.

46:16

I've got to be funnier.

46:18

So that's yeah.

46:20

That way lies madness.

46:22

Here's something that you, it occurred to me when I was listening to you is we were seeing that, you know, the conditions have to be right for a good, good comedic moment.

46:32

And I think that is expectations, right?

46:36

And sometimes I found when I was starting up, I had my best live stage performances of my career before flight of the Conchords before people knew who I was.

46:47

I could, I could destroy as this wispy little who though, who the hell is that like she has and then show them exactly who I was.

46:56

Whereas I felt I really got in my head later.

46:59

And I wonder if that's always the case too.

47:02

Where, where you need to form a condition for yourself, where there is no expectations.

47:10

But I mean, no expectations from the audience or no expectations from myself.

47:14

That's the question Because

47:16

it's both because I've seen It.

47:18

I've seen it go the other way too. Where, because people know me.

47:21

They're laughing sometimes before I even say anything.

47:24

That's the worst. I love it.

47:26

I

47:29

don't know what you're talking about. Oh man.

47:31

Getting those last for nothing.

47:33

What are you talking about?

47:34

Oh man. There's Conan.

47:36

Wow,

47:36

thanks

47:40

everybody. Oh, well, anyway, on my way, on his way here on my way here in my car.

47:46

Oh, he has a car, man.

47:48

I can't believe he's got a car.

47:51

Wow. The club owners like, Hey, yo man, your pay before you even started talking, here's your money and have a good night.

47:57

I don't Know what you're talking about.

47:59

I love that scenario.

48:01

Okay. Okay. I think you're out of control.

48:03

Well, okay. I don't want to earn it every time.

48:06

That's the worst.

48:10

you

48:10

want

48:10

to

48:10

get

48:10

to

48:10

the

48:10

point

48:10

where

48:10

you

48:10

phone

48:10

it

48:10

in

48:10

and

48:10

people

48:10

know

48:10

it's

48:10

you

48:10

it's

48:10

Kristen

48:21

Shaw. What do you, you know? Yeah. Yay.

48:22

And your skills declined, but you still get paid.

48:27

Are you? Yeah.

48:31

Hey, she showed up. She sure looked like she does.

48:34

When I see her on the TV.

48:36

Yay. Here's your money? That's the dream, man.

48:38

Hey, I'm learning a lot today.

48:41

Yeah. I hope I Didn't disappoint you with my brutal honesty.

48:45

Hmm. I didn't think you were being truthful about that.

48:52

Well, this was really fun. I didn't know. It's so funny.

48:54

Cause I had all These things that I thought I was going to talk about with you that were more about things you've done your career and we completely got off track because you took over.

49:06

That's all my questions for you. I mean, you're at a real turning point in your life.

49:10

It's very exciting. It's exciting.

49:13

It's it's it's strange too.

49:15

So I might just wander the earth now.

49:18

Spreading seeds growing.

49:22

Well, when I ran into John Stewart, after he had stopped, I was so worried about him because you know, to, in my mind, he's exists doing a show every night, right?

49:34

He was the happiest I'd ever seen him.

49:38

Right. Because he got to be with his kids and he got to watch them grow up and be with his wife and just relax.

49:44

And it was shocking.

49:46

It was shocking to me who always thinks you should constantly be making comedy.

49:52

Right. But maybe that's you.

49:55

I have no idea. I think I spent enough time with my kids and my wife.

49:58

I get it.

49:59

I don't know what John's talking about.

50:03

I get it like when they were five and seven, I'm like, I got It.

50:06

You know? And now they're just, you know, so I dunno what that's all about.

50:10

He's got to work that out Himself.

50:12

That's clearly some kind of Dodge, But

50:16

I, Yeah,

50:18

I don't know. I, but I'm definitely like to, I like to make things.

50:22

So it's all about the problem is if I start making like model planes, you know, cause I did that over COVID I started making balsa wood.

50:30

I made a balsa wood plane. That was really complex.

50:32

And I hadn't done anything like that before and I got really obsessed with it.

50:36

And have you seen it, David?

50:39

Why don't we have you sitting in Jesus Christ?

50:43

I mean, let's take it back.

50:45

Yeah. Christians built a model plan at a bus stop with camel.

50:51

It's beautiful. I put, where is it?

50:53

Has David been hanging over my desk? Has he been, oh, you have an office.

50:58

You've seen it. It's how you met or yeah.

51:00

What? No, I've seen it. It's great.

51:01

Oh, for Christ Sake.

51:03

Well, this is David's last appearance.

51:05

Thank you. It's been great. I had a great time and show yourself out.

51:08

No,

51:08

I

51:08

really

51:11

didn't. He doesn't have, I don't have feelings. He doesn't know.

51:14

And that's one of the prerequisites of working for me is not having feelings, but yeah.

51:20

So we'll see. But yeah, I, I assume It's

51:23

going to be comedy, but it'd be really hilarious if I just started carving faces out of apples and drawing them And

51:30

distributed them to the neighborhood.

51:31

And I'm like, I've never been more creatively satisfied.

51:36

Well, listen, We got to wrap this up because I think we've spoken for quite a while, but you are an Absolute

51:40

delight and it made me happy knowing that you were coming in today because every time we encounter you, you've worked with me in the past.

51:48

You've been kind enough to donate time, to shoot crazy things with me at Comicon.

51:52

And you're just a lovely person.

51:56

And I'm very happy for you.

51:58

You found your way in comedy and you've made so many people happy and it's true just by talking.

52:04

You can make people happy, which is lovely.

52:06

That's a great one. Oh

52:08

man. Well thank you. Right? That gets it.

52:10

Thanks for being my friend.

52:12

And let's, it's scripted here and thank you for letting me come on your show and being my champion.

52:21

I will continue to be your champion and I will have a show just so you can come on.

52:25

It how's that you'll be the reason for me to do a show.

52:28

Okay. Yeah, you should do it, but not every night.

52:31

No, because we already everybody already, please, if you do that, that would be coming back at the Came

52:37

back. You know what, like be funny. If I came back immediately with a nightly show, there was no different than the other show.

52:43

That's hilarious. I would love that.

52:46

That'd be very Indy COVID or even we'll go did it like, or no, it was LCD sound system.

52:51

This is, we would never, I've never before we could get and everyone bought it and then he's like, I don't even think it was a few weeks.

53:00

The great thing was a Frank Sinatra. I think in 1969 announced I'm retiring.

53:04

And he said, I think I'm going to teach, like he was going to go to Yale and teach a course on.

53:10

And so Frank Sinatra did this big thing, like I'm retiring and he did his big final show.

53:14

I think he was Back in six

53:16

So

53:16

yeah,

53:16

I

53:16

should

53:16

go

53:16

back

53:16

to

53:16

Turner

53:16

with

53:16

the

53:16

exact

53:16

same

53:23

show. The whole is really no different.

53:25

And, and then have a real attitude.

53:28

Like You're welcome America boy, that would piss people off.

53:32

I can't wait to do that.

53:34

Memorable. Kristin, thank you so much.

53:36

And thank you for being my friend with the little trademark now.

53:39

Yes, you will go to trademark agreement.

53:42

Oh, that's great. So then I don't have to be relieved.

53:44

It's like legally, this is legally binding.

53:46

Well,

53:46

I

53:46

hate

53:46

to

53:46

tell

53:46

you,

53:56

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54:56

the

54:56

big

54:56

things

54:56

are

55:03

A foot over here at team Coco team. Coco now has a tick talk and it's at team Coco.

55:09

David. You're here to help us today.

55:11

Can I just say before we Get into David, I have been the team and I use this term loosely.

55:17

My team of experts, people in their twenties and thirties have been telling me for a while, Conan you've got to make tick talks.

55:22

Hey, I don't know what they're talking about.

55:24

Sounds stupid. And, and I know it's a big thing out there, But

55:28

no, I'm not making a tick talk.

55:30

I'm a 95 year old man.

55:32

And

55:32

you

55:32

know,

55:35

I did great things in world war one to save our country.

55:37

And I, I re resent, being told that I have to make a tic talk when I don't even know what it is.

55:43

Does Matt do you know anything?

55:46

I know what they are and where they come from, but I kinda, that's all I care to know.

55:50

And that's where I draw the Line. Yeah.

55:52

You and I are a similar vintage, Matt and we aren't Into

55:57

this tick-tock thing. What I'm

55:59

just guessing by the look of you that you're, at least my age are much older.

56:03

A you're 38.

56:05

Sure. Yeah. Really? Are you 38?

56:08

No. Okay. Well still you gotta moisturize man.

56:11

You're falling apart. He can make a tech talk about that.

56:14

Well, okay. You just piped up.

56:16

Sorry. I know you're telling me to be quiet. No, no, no, no. I never revealed that.

56:20

I tell you to be quiet. You're allowed to say whatever you want.

56:24

What I was going to say to you was that you could help us.

56:27

You could actually, as crazy as this sounds, you could actually be of help to us, David.

56:32

Yeah. You could be useful and help you sound shocked that I could be useful.

56:35

No, I made it very clear. Don't sound shocked.

56:37

I am shocked. You could actually benefit us.

56:40

This is insane. The world is turned upside down tell us about this tick talk thing.

56:46

Well, first of all, it's super addicting.

56:47

Once you get started, you're not going to want to stop.

56:49

It's basically like an Instagram, but Jesper videos.

56:55

Okay. You're doing really well on Tik TOK, whether or not, you know, at the team Coco one, I think is doing really Well.

57:00

I don't even know that I'm on a, what do you mean I don't have, I don't make, take talks to you're on it.

57:04

How could I be on it? If I don't even know what it is, this is what we're Talking

57:07

about. There's now a team Coco account. There's a team cookbook, but what do they put up?

57:10

I don't understand. I thought a Tik TOK meant that I have to be dancing and singing with My

57:13

daughter. And we're both embarrassed. There's Like

57:16

different sites to Tik TOK for everything.

57:17

Oh, I always thought it was people singing into a brush, Some

57:22

Motown song and you know, a grandmother's doing it and a daughter's doing it and a granddaughter's doing it and it's awful.

57:28

It's all awful. I thought that's what Tik TOK Was.

57:30

I mean, that is a side of Tik, but pretty much any interest you could have, like there's a hashtag history talk for, you know, you like history and it's just people giving history facts.

57:43

There's Taylor swift just joined tick-tock yesterday.

57:46

So swift talk is just trending of people making videos about Taylor swift.

57:51

God, I didn't know that there were tick talks about history.

57:53

Take talks about music.

57:56

Some of the things that I might be interested in, I thought it was all performative people wearing Lulu lemon and doing like a funny dance.

58:03

And then, you know, clicking like a chicken and pouring cheddar cheese On

58:07

their head. I mean, that's for sure part of it, but not every part Of

58:10

it. Okay. Okay. Well, I would want nothing to do with that part, but I think that's what agree.

58:16

Yeah. I don't want to, and also I don't want to embarrass my children any more than I, my parent, my children are embarrassed by everything I

58:22

do. So I got to watch that or they'll just, won't speak to me anymore During

58:26

58,000 followers on tech talk right now.

58:29

But what Are my tick talks? I don't know what the, what you're talking about.

58:33

Like clips from the podcast clips from your show, different interviews you've done.

58:37

So we're all on this thing.

58:39

Yeah.

58:39

On

58:42

this.

58:45

What is this contraption?

58:46

Is it on the radio?

58:51

Well, like the big tick tock creators will buy mansions together.

58:55

And then it's just all these people living in a house, making videos We

59:00

do for Instagram. It's all repeating it. So now can I, you know, only the platforms change And,

59:06

and wow.

59:08

I didn't mean that to sound so smart that I was throw out.

59:13

But, but you know, I've Talked

59:17

about this before, but I worry that we are a few years away, nobody growing food because, And

59:24

I, I wrote an article about this Once

59:27

it's out there somewhere, I'm trying to remember where I were.

59:31

It's on Tik TOK. It was hunting.

59:34

No, I did. I wrote a piece on, I actually really liked where I described a world where Everyone

59:39

just got into improvising and making videos and being wise guys, and the economy collapsed and farmers stopped growing food because they were making ironic videos where they sort of pretend to grow food, but don't really, and it's Metta and it was this, it was the total collapse of society.

59:57

And it became very dystopian.

59:59

I think Tik TOK is going to get us there.

1:00:02

I really do. I really think that this could be the beginning of the very, very end.

1:00:07

Yeah. And David explained This. If Instagram has the same features, what's the deal.

1:00:13

This one gets your stuff out to more people.

1:00:14

So like here, let me pull it up because for example, so there's, there's like a for you page and then a following Page

1:00:21

what's happening to that person. It's the first video that popped up.

1:00:24

I actually have seen, oh my God, She's singing into a hairbrush and pouring cheddar cheese on her head.

1:00:28

Oh, It looks like she's in danger and is trying to get help.

1:00:32

I don't know what's happening. So that's a filter on her or What?

1:00:35

It's just her getting ready.

1:00:37

So I think that's like her niece.

1:00:39

That's what she does. But then there's also a following page, which you're actually not following anybody.

1:00:43

You just follow yourself. Oh. So I see Conan thanks Jordan

1:00:46

to the olive garden. That's a remote that we shot and Jordan works for me and he's a big snob about Italian food.

1:00:52

So I took him to the olive garden.

1:00:53

They Posted that clip to your tech talk and that'll go out to lots of people.

1:00:59

Okay. We have some examples here of, of tic talks too, that are loaded up.

1:01:02

Is that right? Yeah. That's right. I think I have some that I've done.

1:01:05

Yeah. You've Curated these yourselves because we should mention that you yourself are kind of a Tik TOK.

1:01:10

Yeah. Is it too much? No,

1:01:11

no, no. What's the way is it is what I say, David, Is

1:01:14

this correct? You're quite the tic Taka.

1:01:16

That's correct. Yeah. Do you engage in Tik TOK theory?

1:01:20

I do. Really.

1:01:24

He's been known to Taka. Who's engaged in skullduggery and tick Tacori.

1:01:28

I became way too addicted To

1:01:31

it over, worked from home the last.

1:01:33

So you make these tick talks.

1:01:35

What if this turns into you showing us tick talks, but it's an intervention.

1:01:38

Oh, that's true.

1:01:41

Probably much needed. We have your family in the next room.

1:01:43

They all pop up in the screen.

1:01:45

They're not here. They're not here for the intervention.

1:01:48

They're just here for free food.

1:01:51

What will show us, show Us,

1:01:53

which does first. And we'll describe it as we play it.

1:01:56

Well, let's start with, so I started, so my roommate at the time, Jasmine and I, whenever we started quarantine, we would just drink wine.

1:02:04

And then we decided to just make tick talks after we'd had a few glasses of wine.

1:02:08

So I think the first one is like the first week I downloaded Tik TOK of us working from home.

1:02:13

Okay. Let's take a look. This is you and Jasmine getting drunk and making a Tik TOK.

1:02:18

This

1:02:18

took

1:02:18

way

1:02:18

too

1:02:18

long,

1:02:21

actually. Okay. We're cutting around.

1:02:23

There's a stripper pole. Was there a stripper pole in your Jasmine?

1:02:27

Had it? Yeah, she like installed it into her.

1:02:29

Okay. Jasmine was her roommate. And so it's you two and your there's A

1:02:33

lot of rapid cuts of you and what's the song playing it's to the Fifth

1:02:37

harmony song worked from home. Cause we were working from Home.

1:02:40

Oh, you are a work in it from home in this.

1:02:43

Yeah. I have some complaints. The rug rug is very prominent And

1:02:47

it looks just like a very cheap synthetic shag.

1:02:51

And it looks like it's mostly made of Scotchgard.

1:02:55

So

1:02:55

I

1:02:55

don't

1:02:55

like

1:02:59

that. I think that was new carpet too.

1:03:01

Yeah. Well it's a great color. Cause it, if someone vomited on it, you'd never Know.

1:03:09

Yeah. That's my big criticism about this tick-tock is, you know, I think that'd be a good Tik

1:03:13

TOK director because I haven't, I,

1:03:15

I shouldn't engage in tick-tock Ray, But

1:03:18

I could be a director of aforementioned talk isms and I could, I could tell people lose that rug.

1:03:26

What's that thing hanging in the background.

1:03:27

Is that a bean bag chair?

1:03:30

You guys are, you know, I would, I would, I would clean it up a little bit.

1:03:34

The lighting isn't terrific. Sure.

1:03:35

It was our first one. I'm sorry to be rough on you.

1:03:38

That's okay. Do most people drink a lot before they make a tick tock?

1:03:42

I don't think So. It's just like what we, like what else were you supposed to do?

1:03:46

Working from home? Was This done during business hours?

1:03:49

Yeah.

1:03:49

I

1:03:49

don't

1:03:51

know. You don't want to say One question, David?

1:03:54

You're my employee.

1:03:55

Did you see any cessation In

1:03:58

payment during COVID?

1:04:01

Were you being paid less?

1:04:03

Were you getting less money because you were working from home.

1:04:07

You were being paid in full. Yes, sir.

1:04:10

Yes. Okay. And

1:04:11

so do you think it's possible that you were making tic talks on my dime?

1:04:15

I want to say it's not possible.

1:04:18

Okay. It sounds to me like Conan, you funded this and therefore get production credit.

1:04:22

You're the producer of this ticket. I am I

1:04:25

whatever. I mean, I'm I hear you're doing well on Tik

1:04:28

TOK and I bet 70% of the tic talks you've made have been under my employ during business hours.

1:04:33

True or false. True.

1:04:34

And you owe me a cut, but I

1:04:37

always have my phone ready in case you need something.

1:04:41

No, but you understand it's implicit that between the hours Of

1:04:46

nine o'clock in the morning and seven o'clock at night, Anything

1:04:51

you do has to be pursuing my interests.

1:04:55

Well, now it kind of is because I'm showing you how to tick tock for You.

1:04:58

Oh, nice. Nice David.

1:05:01

Wow. I actually think this is all the perfect setup.

1:05:04

We've seen one and that we should continue this as a cliffhanger segment.

1:05:08

We'll do X part in the next week.

1:05:10

You can't do this in one segment. This has gotta be two segments.

1:05:13

I am learning to tick tock along with Matt, Matt and I are both elderly gentlemen, but we are learning the fine art of Tik TOK Curry.

1:05:23

And we are being instructed by my, my assistant David hopping.

1:05:30

Who's filling in for Sonoma obsession and you're going to teach us more in the next segment and things are really going to get better.

1:05:43

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonia and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna solitaire off and Jeff Ross at team Coco and Colin Anderson at ear Wolf theme song by the white stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away.

1:06:02

Jimmy, our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer samples engineering by will Wilbekin talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista and brick con.

1:06:15

You can rate and review this show on apple podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

1:06:21

Got a question for Conan.

1:06:22

Call the team Coco hotline at 3 2 3 4 5 1 2 8 2 1.

1:06:27

And leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

1:06:30

And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:06:46

This has been 18 cocoa production in association with.

1:06:50

You know, my My favorite ads are either the ones that have a ridiculous name or ads that are for a product that I really would favorite ads are either the ones that have ridiculous name or ads that are for a product that I really would use. And we have one today Zell as a terrific way to send money straight to family and friends, bank accounts, no matter where they bank in the U S right from your banking And we have one today. Zelle is a terrific way to send money straight to family and friends bank accounts no matter where they bank in the US right from your banking app. Look for Zelle in your banking app, that ZELLEZ. MailChimp is in the business of growing is in the business of growing businesses. So no matter what stage You're in, MailChimp's smart marketing platform can help you grow And get your brand out So no matter what stage you're in Mailchimp's smart marketing platform can help you grow and get your brand out there. 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Brandi's shoes. Walking leaves, climb the fence. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a friend. We've got we've got a lot to talk about here today. First of all, Sona is not gonna be joining us on and she has a pretty good excuse. She did give birth to her twins She has twin boys. I think it's Mikey and Charlie confirm this for me. Is that right? Clearly it's like, yeah, it's Charles and Michael, but she calls him Mikey and Charlie, it's is it? It's Charles and Michael. Yeah. It's Charles and Michael, but she calls them Mikey and Charlie. So she's embracing her Armenian past full on. She now has these these two children and it's so funny because I became like a grandfather figure or something. I don't know what happened, but I was on the East Coast. I had to be on the East Coast. When the babies came. And I was so nervous and I kept checking my phone and pacing and my wife kept saying It's gonna be fine. It's like, well, I haven't heard yet. I haven't heard. And I was texting her husband, Tak. Like, any word, what's happening? And then they came and I was like, I wanna see pictures. Pictures. And then I wanted more pictures. And I totally turned into this, I don't know, like it was my grandchildren. At all. Upset all upset with you that you maybe didn't even act that way for your own children? Yes. I said it's Nike and Charlie. She said, quick. What's the name of our children? I went, wow. That's that's neither here nor there. That's neither here nor there. It's her name is here and there. Done. And there's third that'll be everywhere. That's all we need to know. But I I totally lost my mind as so happy showing strangers Look, Sony had her babies and what's crazy is, a lot of people listen to the podcast. So people knew. So I had people saying to me So Sona must be having those children's who knows. Hey, Dave. Last night, look. And I was showing them my phone and walking around just bellowing at people in restaurants. don't often bellow, but I was bellowing. I was very excited. Well, you're a proud Uncle Godfather God knows what my role is. Yeah. I think Evil, evil overlord, a satanic rain club, brother, evil overlord Panasonic rain cloud, brother, rain cloud. I don't know what my relationship is. But I I think of myself as uncle. I'll be uncle Conan. That's You just sent me a picture that morning of the twins before Sona had even sent me a picture that morning of the twins before Sony had even texted -- Yeah. -- she had them. That's how excited it was. And by the way, let me make And by the way, let me make sure I I introduced David hopping. David hopping is the assistant who's filling in for Sona while she's gone, which means by law, you also have to be on the podcast. Yeah. By law. So you, David, were were getting excited texts from me and photos before you even heard from Sonya. Right? I was. Yeah. I was out to lunch and you sent I had messaged you about something work related and your response was, have you seen a picture yet? And then that one with it? Yeah. The proof that I do have a human side. He does. Thank you. And and it's nice to let people know that. Would you think people need to that? No. Okay. Strange guy, David, very guy, David, pretty strange. Listen, I know that you have designs on Sona's career. And you're gonna try and take advantage of the fact that she's out creating human life to slide in here and become a household name. And I've got my eye on you hopping. It's been a five year plan. You have been telling Sona for years, have children. In fact, have twins. Yeah. It's just weird thing to do. Specifically twins. Yeah. Specifically to it. Done. Wow. Because if she has two, Schaal be out longer. And You'd said triplets for a while. I said five, but she said no. Well, David, have you gone over to see the babies? I don't think we're welcome over there. I would imagine. Not first of all, she lives very far away in a part of that. First of all, she lives very far away in a part of LA. I'm not familiar with it. Far. No. No. What? No. No. I'm not gonna it's just a part of LA that, let's just say, isn't part of my normal route. Mhmm. One needs, I think, a helicopter and then a donkey and a dog sled to get there. But My point is that I live in a bubble and point is that I live in a bubble and I'm an idiot who should know more about his surroundings. But no, I think they're just having family. Now thank God Sona has a big family because it was, you know, quite traumatic for a lot of people. I know that Liza and I went through it twice when when our children were born. Sona has all kinds of family there. Oh, yeah. I don't think she's held the babies yet. Anytime I text her, I get response within seconds. Yeah. And I'll talk to her and she be like, oh, I just woke up from an eleven hour nap. And now some an hour now, someone's rubbing my feet. And I'm thinking, you've got twins. I thought you too were just gonna you attack just gonna be laid out completely. But no. She says, oh, my mother's with them. This aunt's with this aunts with them, that uncles with them. This person just came over. We got an Amazon package the other day and Sonya delivered it. She now has two jobs. She's taking extra work. Oh, but she's Too tired to do the podcast. But no. She's Doing color commentating for the color commensating for the Olympics. She just bought a bait and tackle Schaal, and she's working there. She's getting let's just say she's getting a lot of help from what she calls the Yaya. I think that is -- Yeah. -- is that Greek or Armenian term for -- Yeah. -- the grandmothers? We we didn't have that. We didn't have didn't have that. Yeah. We didn't I lived far away from my parents. And also, you know, my parents said my mom had six kids. Did they fly out when you had your kids? Yes. They they came from Boston to New York to see the kids. But again, as I was gonna say before you really interrupted me -- I'm so sorry. -- you'll have to learn I'll learn etiquette. Yeah. When I Raise my hand and make this motion, that means you're allowed to speak. Got it. And that's another rule that Son has never followed. But anyway, they came down. My mom had six kids. So she was like, oh, they're lovely, but that's on you. You know, you guys handle that. I had six kids in four years. So that's how the Irish do it. I was born four months after my brother late. No. Yeah. History story. Come on. And then Kate was born two months after me. Were you just a fast gestation or were you sharing womb time? There was, it was, it was like Airbnb, you know, it was just, people were There was it was it was like Airbnb. You know? It was just people were like a Utah still in there. Yeah. When I was in in utero, there was an app and I remembered I had this is my womb time, but now I gotta get out because because Kate's coming through. So, yeah, it was complicated. It was a different time. The iris are very efficient that way. But but no, we couldn't do that, and Liza's parents were in Seattle, so they could come in and help somewhat. But they couldn't stay. They're both very busy with what they were doing, which is they they're toffee makers. They have its toffee factory. I'd love to spread misinformation, but -- Yes. -- I don't like to believe that, man. I mean, because I want it to be true. I love Tawfi so Yeah. -- my wife's parents in Seattle have famous little toffee store and they they mixed toffee all day. It's up to the top of the space needle. Yes. It's at the top of the space needle. They They have a little toffee place there. Anyway, check it out. You love their toffee. It's fantastic. But they have to stir the toffee constantly and they couldn't get away. To take care of the the grandchild in the moon. And if you let the toffee sit for even a moment and you can't get someone else to sleep. I'm gonna say, can they hire someone now? Because they don't stir it. Right? Licensed parents are really good at at stirring that toffee just right with their little wooden spoon. But anyway, Again, wasted time all around. Just wasted babble. We wish Sona all the best, Mike, and Charlie. Can we say we say Mikey? I think Mikey. I think she calls him Mikey because I always hear her saying, shut up Mikey. I don't hear saying, shut up Mike. I hear Schaal Mike. Shut up. up. So Mike is baby. Add the bad one. Yeah. And then Charlie is well, he's also bad for both bad. Oh, God. He's already stolen He's already stolen stuff. Alright. It's true. They found all kinds of stolen stuff in his crib. Yeah. But We wish her all the best. We love her, and she'll be back soon. So sorry, David. A little scheme isn't gonna work. David had you considered twins? No. Do you want kids in your future? Probably. Yeah. That sounds like a strong commitment. I'm happy to take you out to lunch and talk to you about it any time. If you want any life advice for me, you probably really look up to me as a role model. Mhmm. Jesus. Yeah. My guess today. Very excited. My guess today. No one gives me less than you, one gives me less than you, David. David, are you glad that I'm are you glad that I'm alive? Mhmm. David, are you glad that I wasn't murdered last night brutally with a with a hacksaw? Yeah. Sure. Okay. My guess today is a hilarious comedian and actress who voices Louise Belcher on Bob's burgers, and now you can see her in the Disney plus series, the mysterious benedict society, and she's done so much amazing work. This intro doesn't even scratch the surface. Very excited she's with us today. I do love her. Kristen Schaal Every time I realize we're friends, I'm always, like, surprised. Why does it surprise you? Because because it reminds me that I've made it. And that's always the same Is that a sign of making it now in the business as someone is my friend? That's Yeah. A little bit. I mean, a little bit, that hurt my feelings. Well, I mean, I'm sure you have friends that do other things. No. I'll only be friends with people in show business. Dave? Oh, David Hocken. He's filling in for Sona. He's my assistant who's filling in for Sona Macesia and say hi, David. Hi. But we are not friends. Oh, No. I mean, I You're an employee, David. That's true. That's that's fair. I signed something and you signed something and said we can never be friends. Mhmm. That's true. That'll keep it easy? We we have much to speak about. Yeah. Because we've been I think we've been friends for a long time. Yeah. Mean, when it was the first time you came on my show, it must be a big day in your life. Well, I Schaal look that up. Don't you have that in your notes? When was it, guys? Don't know. I don't don't even think he was in New York. I feel like I didn't do your show till you moved to LA because you went from you were doing the Tonight Show. Which, by the way, I bought a t shirt. Did you buy a ton extra t shirt? As soon as I knew this shit was going down, I went online and bought a t shirt. Those are They should warn it. Those are worth a fortune. I think they're pretty sure. Those are like owning a dooey defeats Truman newspaper. Yeah. It is. That's a it's a it's a big deal. Yeah. It's like having that postage stamp of the biplane that's flying upside down that's worth eight billion dollars. I see people write occasionally with Conan Tonight Show Merchandise, and I say, you hang on to that because that is a historical oddity that's worth a fortune. Yeah. I think it's gonna it's definitely gonna be a memory. I'm sorry to bring that up right away off the bat. I love that we were You know what? Now I'm surprised we're friends. Why did I We were we were seconds into the show when you brought up the tonight. There's always a relief there. Yeah. That's so great. That's so great. Yeah. You're talking to an airship pilot and you brought up the Hindenburg within seconds. Yes. Yeah. No. Because I don't think I did your show in New York because it was, it was shifting to I did your show in New York because it was it was shifting to that, and then I wasn't I mean, anything you did a very sweet thing, which is I was on tour in two thousand nine no. Two thousand ten, I was on that big tour between shows And I think you came back stage. Yeah. And you had, like, crochets. That's not me. And don't know the name of the woman, but he was a fan. That I knew that Oh, but you gave it to me. I could get it to you. Oh my god. Because I knew ready. You scared the hell out of me. I thought you just meant I thought you just meant that wasn't you at all? Came into the room. That was Lauren lapgift. No. No. Yeah. I thought you're about to I was about to get caught, like, confusing my really funny when end of July. It was you. You came backstage and you that's right. You gave me something that a fan had made, but it was You gave me something that a fan had made, but it was you. And I thought that was really sweet. Yeah. And you were on flight of the Concorde, and I really well, I've always thought you were hilarious. You know? You're you're always good. Your money in the bank is what we say in our business. Money in the bank. Thanks, Conan. That's really sweet. It's true. How much money? It's not a lot. Okay. Okay. But it's in there. It's sort Of in a bit kicks in of in There's an account. Bitcoin. Yeah. Oh, I still understand Bitcoin. It's not real though. Right? Not real. That's why you shouldn't be too excited about being money in the bank. That's what I'm trying to stand. I'm trying to degrade my compliment as much as possible. I'll take it. No. That makes me more comfortable. I've been watching you be hilarious for years, and I've always thought to myself, where did this start? Because I know you come from a a different background than everybody else that I talked to or most other people I talked which is you pretty much grew up on a farm, didn't you? Yeah. It was, it was out in the middle of kind of was it was out in the middle of kinda nowhere, and it's it wasn't like it was my dad's hobby farm. He was actually a construction worker for money. But we would get a bunch of heparcels and get rentable once a year, and I would just sit and watch the bowl just bone all of the female cows. And it was the most terrifying thing you've ever seen if you've ever seen that. Because animal penises are, like, little snakes come out. Like like, have you seen it? Well, I It's very weird. Yeah. It's it's it's very weird. Yeah. I mean Yeah. -- not to brag, but my penis It's been just well, it's like the servents tell you come out of it. Tell us stopes. Tell us stopes. Yeah. No girth, but incredible length. Then you you understand that? I would use it as a measuring tape when I'm during I'd use it as measuring tape when I'm a during construction. Finding it. Yeah. No. But so wait a minute. So you I will go that way. You don't let you make me too comfortable. You that's that's my plan. You grew up this is what's interesting to me is I love that you grew up in this environment that almost feels like nineteenth century to me. You're on a farm watching animals have incredible sex. Just incredible sex. For the bull. The, again, as with much of the animal kingdom, I don't think that the steers I'm getting the names wrong or the Again, as with much of the animal kingdom, I don't think that the steers. I'm getting the names wrong or the heffers. I don't think the female cows were enjoying it at all. In fact, they were trying to get away. Right. Probably the save there. Bodies -- Yeah. -- for her. That's sad. That makes it sound. Yeah. It's sad. Because I thought animals, you know We thought animals would enjoy it. I thought I would I wanted to think that animals really enjoyed sex. I'd like to think that somebody's enjoying sex. Well, think all the male animals are getting it. Getting having a great time. Right. But if you ever watch those nature shows I mean, have you ever Well, there's no foreplay in nature. There's no foreplay and it's always like the what the female is getting, like, held down and just pumped, and she's just, like, staring ahead, like, make it in, make it in. Right. And the guy and the dude is just like this. This is my DNA, and then then and then it's over. Do you ever watch Bull's high five each other afterwards? No. We only had one ball. Also then so then they would get pregnant and then they would we'd have calves. And then we would raise the calves and then we would sell them back to the butcher, the the butcher, please. Oh, So you did establish a relationship. I named them. You named them? It was off. It was awful because I knew it I knew it where they were going. So you grew up probably unable to really attach a living thing. You probably have no idea how to form a real relationship with any human because of this upbringing. Maybe meet. No, I, well, I know humans No. I well, I know humans die. Yeah. Every I learned everything dies. It's all temporary. Okay. Well, I wasn't taught that. What? I'm Catholic. We we all got to We go heaven and we hang up with Abraham Lincoln on the cloud. Are you still Catholic? We we we hang up with Abraham Lincoln on the cloud. Are you still Catholic. I I am Catholic in the way that anybody who is irradiated with Catholicism as a child -- Yeah. -- and for into their teenage years as Catholic. Now, what does that mean? I think I embody lot of the Catholic values. Mhmm. I'm quick to get angry. I use alcohol to feel better about things at night. Yeah. There's all kinds of stuff that I think would probably make me Catholic, but yeah, growing up. What I really didn't like is growing up with the concept of hell. That really bothered me. Yeah. And I I didn't want my kids to think there's a hell. Because I I don't see. Do lutherans think there's a helm? Yeah. Okay. And and if you're not if you don't believe in Jesus, that's where you're headed. And I I would It took me till I was a teenager to be like, whoa. You guys are sending old people to hell, like, maybe three parts of the world, which seemed wrong. Do you teach your kids? Like, my husband was raised without religion? And so So he's we call that godless. Yeah. Like You married a you married a god godless man. A godless man. Yeah. A man without a rudder. A man Going going to hell. Yeah. But I there's things about the Catholicism and Luther, and just like culturally and also just being mindful with, like, some prayer before dinner. I'm trying to like do prayer before I'm trying to, like, do prayer before dinner and just some things that I think are good about religion and leave out the bad. Like, picking and choosing for her. Right. Is that gonna work? No. Well, they can can can you can teach kids to have a moral compass -- Mhmm. -- without necessarily quoting from scripture. Yeah. So that's that's a possibility. I mean, I when I grew up, every single everywhere I went, there was those realistic depictions of Christ on the cross Yes. -- that I I mean, those are rough. Yeah. And some of them are very realistic. It really does look like a guy who got stabbed a couple times when the Roman spear and and his hands were nailed to the cross and I thought that was very intense. Yeah. It changed my whole man, this is Look what you've brought up in such a short time. Oh, yeah. You've brought up so many intense subjects and And I I think it's think it's good. I think we need to go with it. I think we need to go with it. Okay. was traumatized, but I learned. Those Catholic images sometimes growing up. Yeah. It's a It definitely painted a picture of like, and it was your definitely painted a picture of, like and it was your fault. Like, he died because of you. Yeah. And I was a lot. I would look at it and go and never ask you for anything. I didn't ask you. I wasn't even around. I was always yelling at the cross that was hanging on the wall. Where did I I didn't even ask you for thing. What are you looking at me for? I'm sorry. yeah. Forget about about it. You know, III turned into a whole different character. So you grow up on this farm -- Mhmm. -- and you see life unfolding all around you in a very sounds like a very brutal way. But when did you say, okay, I think I'm funny. I'm I'm a funny person. When did that really did your parents know you were funny? No. I mean, they would argue that they did, but I don't have any memories of my parents, like, laughing at me, growing at like, oh my friendKristen, that was great. And I also don't really have any memories of me, like, performing jokes for my parents either. But, yeah, I think they thought it was funny. Those memories aren't as vivid as I think in high school, I was I joined the forensics team. Which is a speech in debate. know. You know what? When I was in high school, I joined the forensics team because I thought we would be investigating death. And dead body. I swear to God, we'll be dissecting the bodies I swear to god. You know? That would be dissecting the bodies of Of people that have been murdered and trying to figure out what that had been murdered and trying to figure out what happened. And then I found out that, no, you get note cards Uh-huh. And you debate these incredibly dry topics. I was enraged. Yeah. Yeah. I showed up the first name with a human foot. I swear, gosh. That bad. We're gonna solve this. And he said, no. No. Superajuk of with, like, a Jesus statue. But I have been really That's what I should have done. Get at these levels. That would be great is to investigate. And please, for anyone listening right now who's offended, you know, you know the deal when you tuned in. I love tuned in. Completely wrong for podcast, but I'm from another era. Yeah. The the whole idea of police investigating. Jesus. It's a great idea. What happened here? The corners like there, and he's like, well, you know, we're pretty sure he was alive when they put him on the cross, but this it looks like a Roman sphere, and then they're they're questioning people. Yeah. Hey, when you do sorry. Tell me to shut up No. I like this. You asking questions. This is great. You wanna know about my workout routine? Not really. Okay. When you So you That's you pouring water by the way. That's Yeah. That's not. No one's urine. Nobody's drooling. When you'd you quit your show. And now but didn't think you quit your show. I think you are just gonna start a new show. Yeah. Well I would have everybody was acting like you were dead. I did not I did not play long. Because I didn't like that. But then I was like, well, when people die, they don't get to see that. Did you enjoy all the time? I was surprised. Well, I was just surprised that we're I was not gonna do the night tonight, you know, the late night show anymore. And so but I was gonna go and do other stuff And th this is a true story, but we finished the last show on a Thursday the next day, my family and I fly to the east that this is a true story, but we finished the last show on a Thursday. The next day, my family and I fly to the East Coast, so we could sort of just start walking my daughter around college campuses because she's seventeen. She's never been on college campus because of COVID and we thought we should she should at least start looking at bunch of schools just to see, does anything ring a bell? Does anything Harvard? Oh, god. No. Oh, no. That's off the table. Oh. Yeah. I'm sure you could pay that. No. No. I What? Got into something. I know. After what I did at Harvard, my people are no longer welcome there's there are crimes what I did at Harvard, my people are no longer welcome. There's there are crimes outstanding. But we literally went the next day to the East Coast and I walked into a restaurant like in Connecticut. This is twenty four hours after the last show aired. And a an older woman walked up to me as I walked into the restaurant and said, what are you doing here? I thought you retired from television. I've been thinking about that, which is -- Oh, wow. -- which is first of all, no. I'm sorry. I didn't retire I didn't retire from television. I'm just not gonna do the night tonight, late night show any but the second thing that was hilarious was even that even if that were true, I'm allowed to go to a restaurant. She was so disappointed that I thought you disappeared for my life. Yeah. I saw your farewell show and it really brought a tear to my eye and here you are stuffing your face with crab salad. You fat fuck. You No. And I'm like what know what? I'm like, what happened? If If you're Feeling depressed or struggling with uncertainty or having difficulty sleeping, check this out better, help offers experience therapists who can listen and help you you're feeling depressed or struggling with uncertainty or having difficulty sleeping, check this out, better help offers experienced therapists who can listen and help you out. I've discussed this before. I've been very open about the fact that looking after my mental health and seeking out therapy has been incredibly important to me and has made my life a lot I've been very open about the fact that looking after my mental health and seeking out therapy has been incredibly important to me. And has made my life a lot better. And talking to a professional is one of the best things that you can do. Better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional. And you can start communicating and under 48 and you can start communicating in under forty eight hours. Now here's the deal. deal. It's not a crisis It's not a crisis line. It's not It's not self help. It is professional counseling done securely online. Okay? You get timely and thoughtful You get timely and thoughtful responses. When you When you inquire. Plus you can schedule weekly video or phone plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. You don't have to sit in a waiting room, worry about running into You don't have to sit in a waiting room, worry about running into someone. If that's something that bothers you better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they can make it easy and free to change if that's something it bothers you. Betterhelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they can make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. Coder O'Brien needs a friendKristen by better help, online therapy, and all my listeners get ten percent off their first month at better help dot com slash Conan. That's That's better. H E L p.com/cona And get matched with a better health therapist and get HELP dot com slash conan, get matched with a better help therapist and get started. David, do you Do you know how long the fruit of the loom has been a part of people's know how long fruit of the loom has been a part of people's lives? I don't. How many years? Take a guess? Wild guess wild guess, 70? No, No, a hundred and seventy. Wow. That's how long fruit of the loom has been That's how long fruit of the loom has been around. It's incredible. It's got a heritage that's filled with firsts. They were the world's first packaged They were the world's first packaged underwear. Did you know that Did you know that? I didn't it. They were the first brand to air an underwear commercial ever. That's That's cool. Yeah. It was like in nineteen eleven. And the first to stamp an unconditional guarantee on their products. They were the first they're they were the first, trailblazers. Then these other underwears come along and be like, Ooh, me these other underwears come along and be like, oh, you me Too. I don't think I don't think so. Back of the line, it's fruit of the loom that did it first for the limb crates, quality apparel at an affordable price and tan, dead far, everybody and every Back of the line. 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And where people see the sensual side of me? Yes. That was hidden. I was Was it yes. Oh, yes. I was wondering I guess I was even with thinking about it. Cause I know you're the, what I heard is that you're going to do like one show a month or something like a variety show, but it would be very it because I know you're what I heard is that you're gonna do, like, one show a month or something like a variety show but it would be very special. It's so funny because Yeah. Just so funny too. Special because I don't know if we're talking so much about me, but what's so money is that whoever that put out in the press release, Cunningham will go on to do a variety show for HBO Max. Yeah. And I never said for HBO Max Yeah. That's not good shows. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, they did. Hello. Oh, d dog d dog trash joke. It in. Let me get in. No. I've got a format that's untested that I wanna try on you guys. No. It's so funny because it said Variety show and I had all these people saying, Conan's gonna bring back the Variety show like I'm Dean Martin, and women are gonna come out at the beginning and go, it's Conan and it's gonna sketchies running a restaurant and -- Yeah. -- you know, today's guest, Christian and then you're like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm crazy, allen. Yeah. They just got out of the see like George Bird to start talking about how cuckoo I am. Yeah. I'm gonna love this one over here. She's a real nut job. Well, I better get back to the sketch. Why can't it be this? This Yeah. I don't. Good to me. Well, the thing is, it was so funny is that I found out later on that someone I think at Turner just put variety show in there because that's the category we're in in the Emmys. And so they just put in, you know, it's gonna be a variety show and I swear to God. I had people on the street saying, I know where you can get some dancers. And other people saying, I know where you can get some singers. They can go, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, it's the Conan show, and I thought that's hilarious. So many people had different ideas about this what this would be. But they were excited to see it live on. With you, involved. I'd like to be seen in Schaal way. III don't. What's like me wanting to be a superhero. Oh my god. Okay. So I wanna ask you a question which is, you have, I think, one of the most recognizable voices of anybody on the planet not just because of Bob's burgers, but because all the work you've done when I hear your voice, are there people that don't know who you are and then you start to speak and suddenly you're us should do a much better table at the restaurant? 0II haven't I I haven't been to a restaurant in a really long time, but but I have I I have brought joy to people strangers when they hear me talk in a way that's very rewarding. And makes me feel good in them too. Yeah. Yeah. They love Bob's burgers and they really, really love below Bob Bob's burgers and they, but something about Mabel and gravity falls, which was on Disney for just two They love Bob's burgers and they really they love they love they love Bob. Bob's burgers. And they but something about Maple and Gravity Falls, which was on Disney for just two seasons. But that Did you watch it, Dave? You see, I didn't watch that you seem little? I didn't watch that one. Yeah. I'm sorry. Do you want me to lie? How long have you been here since David's here too. Again, he's filling in for some this is really awkward. I don't know where I'm at all. I do. Do you know what I love? I love the Concorde just one of my favorite shows. Ten years old. You know what I love is that David David's here. He's sitting in because Sona couldn't be here because she had twins. And David's filling in as my assistant. And then he thought, we'll just have David sit in here and I love that you turned to him on the one thing he wouldn't know about. I mean, asking Him about the free Brittany movement and he's all over, but ask him about Disneyland and he's all over the free Britney movement and he's all over. I just asking about Disneyland and he's all over it. Oh, yeah. Did you go when it was like minimum capacity? I went last weekend. And It was great. It really wasn't crowded yet. Is it masks? They didn't that day, but just read that they're bringing masks back. It's confusing. I did get tested after I do not have COVID. From Disney. David, did you where did you let you all know? David, you feel Did you or did you not break into Disney when when it was closed during COVID? I know you think I did, but I where I did not. Didn't you live on that little island for a while? No. That was someone else. I'm pretty sure. And they got a lifetime band. I can't risk that. Okay. They that they did. I think so. Well, that makes sense. I guess, you just can't live on a Disney Island for free. Nothing's free at Disney. No. You have to get it out there. Yeah. But, yeah, I like my voice. I I didn't like it growing up because it didn't change. When I changed into a woman, it sort of stayed the same, and that was a little bit of bummer people would point it out a lot. And I and I was like, yeah. Sorry. And I had a speech teacher at college who was so disgusted with how I sounded that she said I would never make it. Is that true? Yeah. Is that you know, what's stunning to me is that you could have a speech teacher who is saying, well, you can't make it in the business because your voice is too distinctive, which is the thing that everybody wants. Yeah. I know. I guess it's because that time, you know, in in the early two thousands or or late nineties, they were teaching you know, you did Shakespeare monologues and you did death of a salesman and you had addiction, you know, and you were you were a theater actor and I was just lisping my name. You know, she was like, name, and I was Schaal or whatever. And she was like, ah, the list. She said to you the lip. Yes. She wasn't her back left too. She was like, you know, like, I'm here to register as, like, the students registered for your class name, Kristen. Oh my Oh my God. And she was like, I'm sorry, I cannot help she was, like, sorry. I cannot help you. And I was standing next to a a guy who was, like, I had a crush on. I love it when I laughed, turns into tears it when a laugh turns into tears. It's fine. Yeah. In your face because it yeah. But the at the but you know that's the thing when you go to Schaal, sometimes some teachers think that this is how she taught Sigourney Weaver, so she thought every if everyone spoke like Sigourney Weaver, then they had a shot. Right. She didn't understand And that is what makes us that it is what makes us unusual that I think gets us where we're going. Yeah. You know, that's always been my theory. Yeah. Some of it is just if you're around for a while and and You wear them down. You wear them down? I know it doesn't sound, it doesn't sound sexy or, but, but you stick around for It doesn't sound it doesn't sound sexy or but but you stick around for a while and then after a while, people say, I guess a guy who sounds like that and looks like that with that weird name and that weird hair can be a late night host. Yeah. No. I didn't know what I was doing, and that's the way it should be. I mean, where is late night going these days anyways? Oh my god. You're very good at asking questions. I mean, obviously Take the podcast for this episode. Yeah. Why don't you just why don't we just say, you You know, Kristen Shaw needs a friend and your guest is coming to the know, Chris and Charles needs friend and your guest is kind of drunk. I love it. I love it. I love it. I've always wanted to do interviews with people. Well, you're good. You're naturally curious and you're asking questions. And -- Yeah. -- that's yeah. Whereas late night going, I have no idea. I'm the guy that did just left. You will. That's the only that's the only option. That's why I think about you too, where I was like, yeah, you just quit because the show doesn't really get canceled. Right. You just have to leave. Well, it's this very funny thing I realized at one point that for the first couple of years of my show back in the early nineties, I was always in danger of losing it. Then your reward if you can last -- Mhmm. -- is that the reward is they will never end. But anything that never ends frightens the shit out of me, like, going back to Catholicism, I asked nun once what's Heaven, and she said, what's your favorite thing to do? And I said color in a coloring book, and she said, Well, it's that for all eternity. It never it never ends. And I was horrified. Yeah. Horrified. And and so the concept of You know what? You can't do this forever. You can't It sounds like that got locked in for you, and now no matter what you want, you're gonna be coloring in heaven for eternity. Yes. But -- Wow. -- with great historical figures. With Abraham Lincoln. With Lincoln, who's still gonna be like I don't understand. I was at the theater. I had my back turned. And he's terrible thing in the life. I liked like that. That could even be a I could see that being a whole movie. A whole movie? Yeah. It's Hmm. There's not a whole a whole movie. You're terrible judge of what's whole movie. That's not a movie. What are you talking about? Now I'm angry. Wow. You can kick them off your podcast. Yeah. Let's get a podcast. Now it just it's your podcast. So the man I turn on you You're right. Yeah. And David's now your assistant. So do you remember a catch? Three minutes catch. Do you have a three minute catch? Give a moment where you fell. Wait. Wait. When heaven, I thought I was told that we lose our bodies and we're all just balls of light floating around. Who told you that? My Sunday schoolteacher. Oh, I never got that. Bols of lights floating around. That your spirit. Kinda like the movie. No. That's when you go into that's Trond. You're thinking of. Oh. Yeah. A little bit slow. No. I don't I don't think that. I don't we have our bodies. We have our bodies. Why? We sit on the front. I could lose this for eternity. Be mad. Okay. Which way? Yeah. Are you stuck with the body that you die? What year did you get, like, your younger body? Oh, see, this is another question too. If you go into heaven, which and Elvis is there, come on. Elvis is gonna be there. Which Elvis are you gonna see? You're gonna see nineteen fifty five lean and mean Elvis? Mhmm. You're gonna see seventy two bell bottom elvis. You're gonna see heavy elvis towards the end. Seventy six What about not okay. Now I'm gonna bring this to a horrible place. What about kids that die young. Do they never get to be adults in heaven? Do they get to keep growing in heaven? Or do are they always gonna be whatever? Sorry. Okay. What was your question? Wait a minute. So you are the places you've taken us so far in Western Europe. Yeah. Dead children. It's been a tough the Tonight Show, which I think occupies similar categories for me. And then and then tape measure penis. My career being over and yeah. Like penis is I have penises that expand, like, telescopes. Scary. That was the scariest thing I said all this whole was the scariest thing I said all this whole time. That's true. It's true. so a telescoping penis. That's funny. Wait. You were Going to ask me a better question and I cut you off with the balls of light for ask me a better question, and I cut you off with the balls of light for bodies. What is the moment when it really started to click for you? When you realized, oh, wait a minute. I fit in this business as a funny person. I know how to do this. When does that happen? Does that happen when you're doing improv? Does it happen when you're doing theater stuff? At must. Right? Yeah. To college? College was great because I was I'm actually because I'm wearing the my my my my my fiancee from college. Because I wanted to wear something that wouldn't stick in my armpit. Anyways, yes, college was great. Because I was in an improv sketch comedy tube called the Meow Show, which had well, Steven Colbert auditioned for it and didn't get in. Right? That's how funny it was. That's funny or not. You know? Yeah. I think of him more as a newsman. No. Steven Colbert. Yeah. He never really got into comment. And I said that was great affection. Oh, you do you too hang out? We have hung out in the past. Yeah. He told a story on another podcast. I think it was smartless. He told a story about me skiing we ended up bumping into each other and and skiing. We had a really good time and hung out with his family who's lovely. But he later told this story about out me having to use the bathroom when we were on a ski lift together and not number one but number two and that I opened a trap door in my pants and defecated on children who were skiing below, which I thought was absolutely hilarious When I heard I heard it. Yeah. But he told it with, like, a straight face apparently. And so I I had someone on the street come up to me and go, Is that true that true man? And I said, is what true? And they went, you scheme with Steven Colbert, and you had to take a shit, so you just shit all over these kids and to hit them with your shit below. And I went, yeah. Yeah. That's true. Big cut. Because you have to yes and in those moments. And I I do not refuse to be the the the Margaret Dumont, the lady in the in the Marx Brothers movie series, I Well, I never. I can't be there saying that's not true. That never happened. That's ridiculous. So I had to go the other way, which is, of course, it's true. That's what I like to do. I like To shit on children when I'm on shit on children when I'm gonna escape it. So he should have been in your improv group because he could have done that quality work. Yeah. He's smart. Well, anyway, that's when I that's when I was, like, comedy forever. And improv too, once you start taking improv classes, it's like like, a bug, you know, you have to you have to, like, get better at it. Right. And then standup was also really, really fun in New York. I did everything I could do that was comedy related. What did you like better? The improv or the stand up? At the end of the day, the stand up because the improv you know, it was fun, but it was a little nerve wracking. Yes. And I used to get very an improv if, you know, this chance is a big part of it. And people love to see the high wire act aspect of people love to see the High Wire Act aspect of it, but I always wanted to I wanted the certainty that every single time it was gonna be great. Yeah. And once you want that, you can't really be a true improviser. don't think. Yeah. You had to bomb. You had to you had to have no tasty. You have to surrender to the idea that, well, that went nowhere. This is a candy shop. No, it's not. Yeah. It's a real shit improvise. You're gonna worry you with my daughter. I think writers I've noticed in particular are not had that same feeling about improv because I find writers to be a bit more of a think writers I've noticed in particular are not have that same feeling about improv. Because I find writers to be a bit more of perfectionist. What's happening with Sam? Are we is it times up? What happened? Did you just do something? No. It's your call, Kristen. It's your show you get to wrap it up. Yeah. Why don't you Sorry. I saw I saw you look over, and then I saw lights flash. I hit your head. You started moving around. I did cough. Sam. Sam, what's going on over there? No. I don't know. But I am sorry. No. That's fair. Sam. I know especially getting older. I'm not as old as some people here, but no. I Okay. So now I'm old. No. No. They're in zero. We're all I'm just saying I've heard before from I'm as old as I say I am on Wikipedia. Okay. How will you say you? I have a I'm I'm Forty one. Okay. Forty one on Wikipedia. Yeah. Fifty eight in real life. Forty one on Wikipedia. Like, do you I go in I go there every day and I have And David, one of David's jobs. And he used to be known as jobs, is get up every morning and put me down as forty one. Someone always puts it back. Yeah. It only lasts about ten minutes. Yeah. It's a full time job. Yeah. But he just hammers away at it. And sometimes I have him doing it during day. It's like checking a the day. It's like checking a stock. You have to just keep going back. No one's forty one. I don't know. Sometimes we go to thirty nine. No one's buying that. But forty one everyone accepts. If you have enough as a forty one year old I mean, do you feel like comedy I've heard my husband say that sometimes he feels like comedy is a young man's And I hate to call him out like that. But that's when he's like really but that's when he's, like, really down. I don't agree with that. But I do think you can rack up a number of times when you're old as you get older, when you haven't been funny that you could convince yourself that you're not funny anymore. Whereas when you're younger, you don't have that yet. Yes. First of all, a number of times when you when you're not funny in a row, I can't relate to that. I just can't. I don't know know. We were talking about, and that's just seemed weird and foreign to me, David, would you you're talking about. Okay. And that's just seemed weird and foreign to me. David, would you agree? Mhmm. Wow. Anyway, I had to sign a paper for that too. No. But I understand exactly what your husband's talking about, and I know he's a very funny guy. Sequentially. And I know what he's talking about. And then I see people or I'm around people like Martin Short, Steve Martin. Yes. Albert Brooks who are devastatingly funny. Yeah. And not just verbally funny, but just in in a performative way. funny. And and Bob Newhart, Bob New Heart, I I think, is ninety one or ninety two. And he still is so funny and his put downs are fantastic. And I think, okay, if I could have thought of that at my age, Wikipedia forty one, real life fifty eight. If I could have thought of that, I'd be very proud. And then I think what are those guys doing? How do you Car Reiners, another one, Mel Brooks, where, you know, very late in life, very, very funny. And coming up with funny and amusing ideas, I think there's a kind of hunger that you have when you're younger that fuels things and helps. Mhmm. And then you've gotta substitute that with something else. And the age old question in our businesses, can you be happy and funny? Mhmm. And that gets tricky because, you know, there were times right I really love my wife and I love my kids and I consider myself extremely lucky and I enjoy my friends and I look around at all that and it wasn't always the case. I didn't always have that life. So there are times when I look at them and think, you guys, you assholes are keeping me from being funny. You're keeping me from being as funny as I could truly be. Oh, they're bringing you down only bringing me down was all there. Me loving them and I'm loving me bullshit. I gotta get out of this trap. gotta pull this up. So I can reach the next level of I can reach the next level of funny. I've got to be fired. So that's yeah. That way lies madness. Here here's something that you occurred to me when I was listening to you. It is we're saying that, you know, the conditions have to be right for a good good, committed moment. And I think that is expectations. Yeah. Right? And and sometimes I found when I was starting up, I had my best live stage performances of my career before flight of the Concordes. Before my view. Who I was. Right. I could I could destroy as this wispy little who the who the hell is that? Like, she has and then show them exactly who was. Whereas, I felt I really got in my head later. And I I wonder if that's always the case too where where you need to form a condition for yourself where there is no expectation. But, I mean, there's no expectations from the audience or no expectations for myself. That's the question. Yeah. And your dream is both. Because I've seen it I've seen it go the other way too, where because people know me, they're laughing sometimes before I even say anything. That's the worst. I love it. I I don't know what you're talking know what you're talking about. Oh, man. Getting those laughs for nothing. What are you talking about? Oh, man. There's Conan. Wow. Thanks everybody. Oh, well, anyway, on my way, on his way here on my way here in my Anyway, on my way on his way here. On my way here in my car. He has a car, man. I can't believe he's got car. Wow. The club owners like, hey, you earned your pay before you even started talking. Here's your money and have a good night. I don't know what you're talking about. I love that scenario. Okay. Okay. I think you're out of control. Well okay. I don't want to earn it every Oh, don't wanna earn it every time. That's the worst. What? Love you. No. You wanna get to the point where you phone it in and people know it's you. It's Christian Shaw. What do you know? Yeah. Yay. And and your skills declined, but you still get paid. And where where what do you Everybody had a jump ball. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Hey, she showed she showed up. She sure looked like she does when I see her on TV. Yay, here's your money. That's the dream man. He I'm learning a lot today. Yeah. Yeah. I hope I didn't disappoint you with my brutal honesty. Hmm. I didn't think you were being truthful about didn't think you're being truthful at that about that one. Well, this was really fun. I didn't know it's so funny because I had all these things that I thought I was gonna talk about with you, that were more about things you've done, your career, and we completely got off track because you took over. Yeah. I had so many questions for you. I mean, you're at a world turning point in your life. It's very exciting. Exciting. It's it's it's strange too. Yeah. So I might just wander the earth now, spreading seeds, growing little trees. Well, I was when I ran into John Stewart after he had stopped, I was so worried about him because, you know, to in my mind, he's exist -- Right. -- doing a show every night right? He was the happiest I'd ever seen Right. -- and he was the happiest I'd ever seen him. Right. Right. Because he got to be with his kids and you got to watch them grow up and be with his wife and just relax and it was Schaal it was shocking to me who all these things you should we'll constantly be making comedy. Right. But maybe that's you. I have no idea. I think I've spent enough time with my kids and my wife. I get it. I don't know what John's talking don't know what John's talking about. I get it. Like, when they were five and seven, I'm like, I got It. You You know? And now they're just, you know, so I dunno what that's all And now they're just, you know so I don't know what that's all about. He's gotta work that out himself. Yeah. Which he's doing on. That's clearly some kind of dodge But I yeah. I don't know. But I'm definitely like to I like to make things. So it's all about The problem is if I start making, like, model planes, you know. Yeah. Because I did that over COVID. I started making Balsa wood. I made a Balsa wood plane that was really flex, and I hadn't done anything like that before, and I got really obsessed with it. And have you seen it, David? It's gorgeous. Uh-uh. Why do we have you say getting in constantly leave. Jesus Christ Davis. Oh, I mean, let's take it back. Yeah. Yeah. You don't know Christ's work. You know, that I built a model plan. I had the out of buffer. It was a soft with camel. It's beautiful. I put Where is it? Hanging over my desk. Has he been to oh, you have an off Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, you've seen it? That's how you meant it or yeah. What? No. I've seen it. It's great. Oh, for Christ. I did not remember. Well, this is David's last appearing. Yeah. Thank you. It's been great. had a great time. Just show yourself out. Oh, look, I think you really heard his feelings. No. I really didn't. He doesn't. No. I don't have feelings. Yes. He does. No. That's one of the prerequisites of working for me. It's not him. You know what you say? You're gonna go far. But yeah. So we'll see. But yeah. I I assume it's gonna be comedy. But it'd be really hilarious if I just started carving faces out of apples and drawing them and distributed them to the neighborhood. And I'm like, I've never been more creatively satisfied. Well, listen, we gotta wrap this up. Yeah. Because we I think you've spoken for quite a while, but you are an absolute delight. Thank you. And it made me happy knowing that you were coming in today because every time we encounter that we you you've worked with me in the past. You've been kind enough to donate time to shoot crazy things with me at Comic Con. And you're just a lovely person and I'm very happy for you. You found your way in comedy and you've made so many people happy. And it's true just by talking, you can make people happy, which is lovely. That's a great superpower. Nice, man. Well, thank you right back at you. Thanks for being my friend and with script did here. It is special. And thank you for always letting me come on your show and being my champion. I will continue to be your champion and I will have a show just so you can come I will continue to be your champion. I will have a show just so you can come on it. How's that? You'll be the reason for me to do a show. Okay. Yeah. Let's you should do it. Okay. But not every night. No. Okay. Because we already everybody already -- Please. -- if you do that, that would be coming back at the If I came back, you know, it'd like to be funny if I came back immediately. With the nightly show, there was no different than the other show. That's hilarious. would love that. That'd be very uncommon. Yeah. Or even Wilco, did it, like, or no. It was LCD style system. Like, this is it. We were never I'm definitely before we begin. Yes. And everyone bought it out there, and then he's like, he I don't even think it was few weeks. The great thing was Frank Sinatra. I think in nineteen sixty nine, announced I'm retiring, and he said I'm I think I'm going to teach. Like, he was gonna go to Yale and teach a chorus on and so Frank's after did this big thing like I'm retiring and he did his big final show. I think he was back in six months. So, yeah, I should go back to Turner with the exact same show the whole thing is really no different and and then have a real attitude like you're welcome America. Yeah. Boy, that would piss people off. I can't wait to do that. Be memorable. thank you so much, and thank you for being my little trademark next to it. Yeah. You're welcome. It's a trademark agreement. Oh, that's great. So then I don't have to be relieved. It's like legally back. Yeah. This is legally binding. Nice. Yeah. Well, hate to tell you. 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Big things are a foot over here at Team Coco now has a TikTok and it's at team Coco. David. You're here to help us you're here to help us today. Yeah. Can I just say before we get into David, I have been the team and I use this term loosely? My team of experts People in their twenties and thirties have been telling me for a while, Conan, you've gotta make TikToks. Hey, I don't know what they're talking about. Sounds stupid. And and I know it's a big thing out there. But no, I'm not making a TikTok. I'm a ninety five year old man. And, you know, I did great things in world war one to save our I did great things in World War one to save our country, and I I resent being told that I have to make a TikTok when I don't even know what it is. Does Matt, do you know anything about TikTok? I know what they are and where they come from, but I kinda, that's all I care to know what they are and where they come from, but I kinda that's all I care to know, and that's where I draw the line. Yeah. You and I are similar vintage match and we aren't into this TikTok thing. Wait a minute. What? I'm just guessing by the look of you that you're at least my age, you're much older. Yeah. You're thirty eight. Sure. Yeah. Really? Are you thirty eight? No. Okay. Well, still, you gotta moisturize, man. You're falling You're falling apart. You can make a TikTok about that. Yo. Well, since okay. You just piped up. Sorry. I know you told me to be quiet. No. no. I never revealed No. No. I never revealed that I told you to be quiet. You're allowed to say whatever you want. What I was gonna say to you -- Mhmm. -- was that you could help us. You could actually as crazy as this sounds, you could actually be of help to us David. Okay. Yeah. You could be useful and helpful. You sound shocked that I could be useful. No. I made it very don't sound shocked. I am shocked. You could actually benefit us This is insane. The world has turned upside down. Tell us about this TikTok thing. Well, first of all, it's super addicting once you get started. You're not gonna wanna stop. Oh. It's basically like a Instagram but just for videos. Okay. I know. You're doing really well on TikTok whether or not know, at the TeamCococom I think, is doing really well. I don't even know that I'm on what do you mean? I I don't have I don't make TikTokeryGot I? You're on it. How could I be on it if I don't even know what it is? This is what we're talking about. There's now a team Coco There's now a account. There's a team coco. But what did I put up? I don't understand. I thought a TikTok meant that I have to be dancing and singing with my daughter and we're both embarrassing. There's, like, different sites to TikTok for everything. Oh, I always thought it was people singing into a brush, some Motown song, and, you know, a grandmother's doing it and a daughter's doing it and a granddaughter's doing it and it's awful. It's all awful. I thought that's what TikTok was. No. So I mean, that is a side of TikTok. Right. But pretty much any interest you could have, like, there's a hashtag history talk for, you know, you like history. And it's just people giving history facts about Taylor Swift just joined TikTok yesterday, so SwiftTok is just trending of people making videos about Taylor Swift. I swear to God, I didn't know -- Mhmm. -- that there were TikTokeryGot about history -- Yeah. -- TikTokeryGot about music, some of things that I might be interested in. Yeah. But was all performative. People wearing lululemon and doing like a funny dance and then, you know, clicking like a chicken and pouring cheddar cheese on their head. Mean, that's for sure part of it, but not every part Of of it. Okay. Well, I would want nothing to do with that part. But I think your kids would agree. Yeah. I don't wanna and, also, I don't wanna embarrass my children any more than I my parents my children are embarrassed by everything do. So I got to watch that or they'll just, won't speak to me anymore I do. So I gotta watch that or they just won't speak to me anymore. You have a hundred and fifty eight thousand followers on TikTok. Wow. But but what are my tiktok, so I don't know what what you're talking about. So they post, like, clips from the podcast, clips from your show, different interviews you've done, So we're all on this thing? Yeah. On this thing. I love it. On Yeah. Be sure we're all on this thing. Oh, on this What is this What is this contraption? Is it on the radio? People like the big TikTok creators will buy mansions together. And then it's just all these people living in a house, making videos to just things to do for Instagram. It's all repeating it. So Yeah. Now. Can I you know, only the platforms change? Yeah. And and wow. That it didn't mean that to sound so smart. That that was for platform and But but you know, I've talked about this before. But I worry that we are a few years away from nobody growing food because and III wrote an article about this once It's out there somewhere. I'm trying to remember where I were. It's on TikTok. It was on TikTok. No, I did. I wrote a piece that I actually really liked where I scribe the world where everyone just got into improvising and making videos and being wise guys and The economy collapsed and farmers stopped growing food because they were making ironic videos where they sort of pretend to grow food but don't really in its meta. And it was this it was the total collapse of society and it became very just copious. This is it? I think TikTok is gonna get us there. I really do. I really think that this could be the beginning of the very very end. Yeah. And David explained this, if Instagram has the same features, what's the deal? This one gets your stuff out to more people. So, like, here, let me pull it up. Because for example, so there's there's like A4U page and then a fall following page. Wait. What's happening to that person? She's the first video that popped up. Well, she actually have some My god. She's singing into her hairbrush and pouring cheddar cheese on her head. Oh, It looks like she's in danger and is trying to get like she's in danger and is trying to get help. I don't know what's happening. So that's a filter on her or what. It says her getting ready. So I think that's like her niche. That's what she does. But then there's also a following page, which you're actually not following anybody. You've just follow yourself. Oh, so I see Conan takes Jordan to the Olive Garden. That's a remote that we shot. And Jordan works for me, and he's a big snob about Italian food, so I took him to the Olive Garden. Mhmm. And they posted that clip to your and I'll go out to lots of people. Okay. We have some examples here of of TikTok's too that are loaded up. Is that up. Is that right? That's right. think I have something that I've done. Yeah. You've curated these yourselves because we should mention that you yourself are kind of TikTokeryGot. Is it too much to say something like that? No. No. What's the way? Is it is it what I say, David, is this correct? You're quite the TikTokeryGot. That's correct. Yeah. Do you engage in TikTokery? I I do. Really? He's been -- Not a known TikTok. -- who's engaged in skull Dougherty and TikTokery. I became way too addicted To it over, worked from home the to it over work from home the last So you make these TikToks. Mhmm. What if this turns into you showing as TikToks, but it's an intervention for you? Oh, That's probably much needed. We have your family in the next room. They all pop up in the screen. They're not here. They're not here for the intervention. They're just here for free food. That's that's great. What we'll show us show us Let's switch this first. And we'll describe it as we play it. Let's start with so I started so my roommate at the time, Jasmine and I, whenever we started quarantine, we would just drink wine, and then we decided to just make TikToks after we'd had a few glasses of wine. So think the first one is, like, the first week downloaded TikTok of us working from home. Okay? Let's take a look. This is you and Jasmine getting drunk and making a TikTok. This took way too long, actually. Okay? We're cutting around. There's a stripper pole. Was there a stripper pole in your Jasmine had it. Yeah. She, like, installed it into her. And Jasmine was her roommate, and so it's you to and you're there's a lot of cuts of you. And what's the song plan? It's to the fifth harmony song work from home because we were working from home. No. You're working it from home in this. Mhmm. Yeah. I have some complaints. The rug. The rug is very prominent. And it looks just like a very cheap synthetic shag. Mhmm. And looks like it's mostly made of scotch guard. So I don't like that. I think that was new carpet too. Yeah. Well, it's a great color because it someone vomited on it, you'd never know. Yeah. That's my big criticism about this TikTokeryGot know, I think I'd be a good TikTok director because I have a guy. I shouldn't engage in TikTokeryGot, but I could be a director of aforementioned tacisms. And I could I could tell people, lose that rug. What's that thing hanging in background? Is that a beanbag chair? You guys are you know, I would I would clean it up a little bit. The lighting isn't terrific. Sure. It was our first one. I'm sorry to be rough on you. It's okay. Yeah. It's our first one. It do most people drink a lot before they make a TikTok? don't think so. It's just like what we like, what else were you supposed to do working from home? Was this done during business hours? Yeah. I that you know. You don't want to say don't want to say. We ask you one question, David. You're my employee. Did you see any cessation in payment during COVID. Mhmm. Were you being paid less? Were you getting less money because you were working from home? You were being paid in full. Yes, sir? Yes. Okay. It was. And so do you think it's possible that you were making TikToks on my dime? I wanna say it's not possible. Okay. It sounds to me like Conan you funded this and therefore get production credit. You're the producer of this TikTok. I am. I whatever I hear you're doing well on Tik TOK and I bet 70% of the tic talks you've made have been under my employ during business and I bet seventy percent of the TikTok you've made have been under my employ during business hours true or false. True. Then you owe me a cut, but I always have my phone ready in case you need always have my phone ready in case you need something. No. But you understand it's implicit. That between the hours of nine o'clock in the morning and seven o'clock at night -- Mhmm. Anything you do has to be pursuing my interests? Well, now it kind of is because I'm showing you how to TikTok for yourself. Oh, nice to know. Hey, David. Wow. You know, I I actually think this is all the perfect think this is all the perfect setup. We've seen one and that we should continue this as a cliffhanger segment will be the next part in the Yes. We can't do this in one segment. This has gotta be two segments. I am learning to TikTok along with Matt Gorley. Matt and I are both elderly gentlemen, but we are learning the fine art of TikTokery and we are being instructed by my my assistant, David hopping, who's filling in for So I'm Ossesian. And you're going to teach us more in the next segment and things are really gonna get crazy. Conan O'Brien needs a Conan O'Brien, Sona Mocessian and Matt Gorley produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solataroff, and Jeff Ross at TeamCococom, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf, theme song by The White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Santos, Engineering by Will Bechtman, Talent Booking by Schaal Davis, Gina Batista, and Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Schaal the TeamCococom hotline at 3234512821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever are downloaded. This has been eighteen cocoa production in so vision with fuel.