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Thanks for watching.

2:03

Welcome, today on

2:05

the show, two classic stories about

2:08

Dave being in over his

2:10

head. He has such

2:13

good intentions and

2:15

he makes such bad

2:19

decisions. This

2:21

is Stuart McLean with Dave

2:24

and the Cellphone. Dave

2:27

was smiling when he unlocked his second-hand

2:30

record store, the Vinyl Cafe, on Tuesday

2:32

morning of last week, glowing even. On

2:35

Monday night, just as he was closing, a

2:37

man had struggled into the store backwards, lugging

2:39

a carton of records he wanted to sell.

2:42

They had gone through the carton together. Dave and

2:45

this man, mostly it was pretty ordinary stuff, until

2:48

the box was nearly empty and there, lying

2:50

at the bottom among the scraps of paper

2:52

and dog hairs and assorted detritus, here

2:55

in the bottom of the carton, Dave had

2:57

found a cassette copy of Live at PS

2:59

122 by the

3:02

Czechoslovakian experimental group, Polnok.

3:09

As Dave picked up the cassette, he swore

3:11

he could hear the thrumming of heavenly harps.

3:14

He turned the tape over in his hand, he

3:16

smiled and he thought to himself, this

3:18

is one of those rare moments when you

3:20

know that life is worth living. Dave

3:24

had been waiting for this tape for 12 years. He

3:27

doesn't go out looking for things like this, recordings he

3:30

wants to hear. He could if he wanted to. He

3:33

knows enough collectors and dealers and

3:35

record agents. He knows a world

3:37

of obsessive music freaks. Instead

3:40

of searching them out, however, he waits for the records

3:42

to come to him. This

3:44

one had been a long time coming. Polnok

3:47

recorded Live at PS 122 in New

3:50

York City and one prominent rock critic

3:52

chose the tape in a Village Voice

3:54

poll as his number one pick for

3:56

that year. Dave had

3:58

been waiting to hear it ever since. Pullnock,

4:01

if you've never heard of them, arose

4:03

out of the aftermath of the plastic people

4:05

of the universe. The

4:09

Rock Group from Czechoslovakia that did more than

4:12

any other band to change the course of

4:14

world history. Vaclav

4:16

Havel was just one of the many important

4:18

Czech dissidents who used to hang around with

4:20

the plastic people. Most

4:23

mornings when Dave arrives at the vinyl cafe

4:25

he makes coffee, reads the paper and settles

4:28

down to do the crossword before he does

4:30

anything else. This morning,

4:33

as the coffee was brewing, he picked up the

4:35

tape by pullnock instead of the paper. Maybe he

4:37

thought maybe he should listen to the tape, then

4:40

read the paper. He

4:42

poured himself a mug of coffee and he carried the mug

4:44

out the front door. He stood on

4:46

the sidewalk and he looked up and down the

4:48

street, feeling the warmth of the autumn sun on

4:50

his face. After enjoying

4:53

it for five minutes, he abruptly began

4:56

walking down the street, away from his

4:58

record store towards Woodsworth's Books. Not

5:01

even bothering to lock the front door behind him.

5:04

There was $75 in the till. But

5:07

Woodsworth's was only five stores along and

5:10

it was unlikely that anyone would come into

5:12

his record store before noon. And

5:16

if they did, it was unlikely they'd have thievery in

5:18

their heart. Dorothy

5:20

Kapper, who runs Woodsworth's Books, was staring

5:22

at her computer screen. Morning

5:24

said Dave, setting his coffee on the counter.

5:27

Dorothy looked up and said, how many copies of

5:30

Never Cry of Wolf should I order for Christmas?

5:33

Dave said, lots. And

5:37

then he said, I need your help. It's my turn now.

5:40

And Dorothy said, if I wrote lots on the order

5:42

form, I wonder how many they'd send me. Dave

5:49

said, I got a tape last night and I'm not

5:51

sure if I should do the crossword first and then

5:53

listen to the tape. Or

5:56

listen to the tape first and then do the crossword.

5:59

It's by pull knocking. incidentally. Dorothy

6:02

said, that's why I sell books instead of records.

6:04

I don't think I could stand the pressure. It

6:13

was while he was walking back to the

6:15

record store that Dave realized something profound. Once

6:19

he heard the tape, he couldn't look forward to

6:21

it anymore. He

6:24

decided he'd wait until after lunch. He would torture

6:26

himself for a while. Just

6:30

for the sheer pleasure. He

6:33

did the crossword, and then he paid the bills. There

6:35

were three. And

6:38

then it was quarter past 10. And

6:41

he walked back to Dorothy's. It's quarter past 10, he

6:43

said. I haven't listened to the tape yet. Dorothy

6:46

stared at him. Delaying

6:49

pleasure, said Dave, straightening a pile of books

6:51

on the table near the cache. Dorothy

6:54

didn't say anything. Pressure's

6:56

building, said Dave. You

6:58

can handle it, said Dorothy. At

7:02

a quarter to 11, Dave was killing time by cleaning

7:04

a stack of albums that had been waiting by the

7:06

cache for a couple of weeks. And

7:09

a quarter to 11 was when the phone rang. Dave

7:12

looked up surprised, and then he reached

7:14

for his phone. Except it wasn't his

7:16

phone that was ringing. The

7:18

black rotary phone under the lamp by

7:20

the cache wasn't doing anything. The

7:24

ringing was coming from the back of the store. Dave

7:27

peered at the stacks and stacks of

7:29

records, and the ringing stopped. 10

7:32

minutes later, it began again. This time, Dave jogged

7:34

to the back of the store. The

7:37

ringing seemed to be coming from a bin

7:39

of records marked unknown legends. Dave

7:42

flipped through the records. There was a cell

7:44

phone nestled near the back of the stack.

7:47

He picked it up. Hello,

7:49

he said. Charles,

7:51

said the voice on the other end of the

7:53

phone. No, said Dave, this is Dave. Is

7:57

Charles there, said the voice. Dave

8:00

looked around his empty store. No,

8:05

he said. Okay,

8:08

he said the voice and the line went dead. That

8:14

was a little odd, thought Dave. He

8:17

took the phone back to the cash register and

8:19

he set it down on the counter. It rang

8:21

again five minutes later. Hello, said Dave. Charles,

8:24

said a different voice.

8:27

No, it's Dave, said Dave. Dave,

8:30

said the voice on the phone. And

8:33

then neither of them spoke for a moment. Then

8:36

Dave said, hello. And

8:39

the voice on the phone said, Dave who?

8:44

Charles left his phone here, said Dave. I just found

8:46

it. It was between Swamp

8:48

Dog and Captain Beefheart. What,

8:53

said the voice. It's

8:56

a record store, said Dave. What

8:59

are you talking about, said the voice. Swamp

9:02

Dog asked Dave. The

9:04

phone went dead. There

9:07

were eight more calls in the next half hour. Eight

9:11

times in a half an hour, Dave had

9:13

to explain how he had found the cell

9:15

phone in the record bin. Eight times he

9:17

had to explain that he had no idea

9:19

where Charles was. No idea

9:21

when Charles would be back. I don't know, said

9:23

Dave. I don't know.

9:26

After the eighth call, Dave turned the phone off and he

9:28

put it in the drawer below the cache. He

9:31

didn't need this in his life. Not

9:33

on this day especially. Not with only an hour

9:35

and a half left before he could listen to

9:37

the pull knock tape. Charles,

9:40

whoever he was, would eventually come by

9:42

for the phone or he wouldn't.

9:46

Dave made more coffee. The

9:48

incessant ringing of the phone had disturbed

9:50

the slow and pleasant routine

9:52

of his morning. He

9:54

took his coffee outside into the sun to see

9:56

if he could recapture it. An

9:59

hour later he was having a good time. happily playing hearts

10:01

on his computer. And

10:05

when he was handed the Queen of Spades, it

10:08

suddenly occurred to him that Charles might be

10:10

out there somewhere, dialing his own number, trying

10:12

to make contact with his lost cell phone.

10:16

Reluctantly, Dave reached into the drawer and he

10:18

turned the phone back on. It rang within

10:20

minutes. Charles? It

10:22

was the first guy who had called. No,

10:25

said David, it's still me. Dave

10:28

said the voice, when's Charles going to be in? Soon,

10:34

said Dave. I

10:37

hope. Could

10:39

you take a message, said the voice. Tell

10:44

Charles Chris' phone. Tell him I have the

10:47

smoked salmon. Just

10:49

a minute, said Dave, I'll get a pencil. Dave

10:52

wrote smoked salmon down on the margin of

10:54

the morning paper. Dave

10:57

took 12 more messages over the next

10:59

half hour. Now

11:01

this is not something he's used to doing. Dave's

11:04

phone wouldn't normally ring 12 times in a

11:06

week. He scribbled

11:08

the messages on the backs of old receipts

11:10

and on an assorted collection of paper scraps.

11:13

He kept shoving in his pocket. By

11:15

noon his pockets were filling up. And

11:19

by noon he knew this. Charles,

11:23

or Chucky, or

11:25

Charlie, or whoever he

11:27

was, was an event coordinator. He

11:30

was currently working on two events, a

11:32

wedding for a woman named Emily, or

11:34

actually for Emily's mother, Estelle, and

11:37

a gallery opening. The wedding was in Toronto.

11:40

The gallery opening was in Buffalo. Dave

11:43

left the phone sitting on the counter when he closed for

11:45

lunch. It was ringing when

11:47

he came back an hour later. He

11:50

saw on the call display that he had missed 16

11:52

calls. He

11:57

looked forlornly at the pull-knock cassette. The

12:01

calls, which had been more or less benign most of

12:03

the morning, became more and more frantic as the afternoon

12:05

wore on. By midday,

12:07

Estelle had called four times. By

12:11

mid-afternoon, Dave and Estelle were on a

12:13

first-name basis. Dave,

12:15

she said. Yes, said Dave,

12:18

reaching for his pencil and another scrap of

12:20

paper. Dave, I'm starting to

12:22

get concerned. Me too,

12:24

Estelle, said Dave. Dave

12:27

put on the coffee, and as it brewed, he

12:29

organized his desk. He put a stack of paper

12:32

by the phone and a pen in his pocket.

12:35

And when the first call came, fifteen minutes later, he

12:37

whipped out the pen and jumped for the phone with

12:39

a smile on his lips. It

12:42

had been so long since he had

12:44

had to be so organized, so on

12:46

top of his game. Dave

12:49

fielded over forty calls that day.

12:52

Ten of them were for Estelle, the mother of

12:55

the bride. Dave, she said,

12:57

and the florist just called. Dave

12:59

wrote florist on a fresh piece of paper

13:01

and underlined it three times. He

13:05

can't get staphonosis for the table sprays.

13:07

Aha said Dave. Dave wrote the word

13:09

staphonosis, and then he put a big

13:11

cross through it. He

13:16

wants to know if we should get larks, spur,

13:18

or friezias. Friezias

13:21

said Dave. Move

13:28

friezias to go with the mauve candles.

13:33

Right, said Estelle. And

13:35

then she said, Dave, I'm so glad you're here.

13:40

Dave said, me too. There

13:43

was a beep in his ear. I have to go, he said. There's

13:45

another call. It

13:48

was the first caller from the day before. This

13:50

time there was no hello, no who's this, just

13:53

is he back? Uh uh,

13:55

said Dave. Well said the voice,

13:57

the smoked salmon starting to thaw. I don't have a freez.

13:59

What are you going to do about that? When

14:03

Dave came home for supper, he

14:06

was carrying four large boxes of

14:08

smoked salmon. He

14:13

took them downstairs into the

14:15

basement. He was trying to shoehorn

14:17

the last one into the freezer when

14:19

Morley came down. Smoked

14:22

salmon, he said to Morley. It's not ours,

14:24

it's Estelle's. Estelle,

14:27

said Morley. Who's

14:30

Estelle? But Dave was

14:32

already on his way upstairs. After

14:35

supper, Dave wiped off the kitchen table with

14:37

a sponge and he laid out a fountain

14:39

pen and a bottle of ink and a

14:41

little stack of cardboard cards. Place

14:43

settings, he said. And

14:48

he sat down and he began to fill out the

14:50

first little card. Dave

14:54

went to an office supply store on Thursday. He

14:56

walked out of the store carrying a small leather binder

14:59

divided into seven sections, $49. One

15:05

of the sections was for his life goals

15:07

and personal mission. The

15:15

call from the laundry came just before lunch. If

15:18

you don't come and get your clothes, we're going to

15:20

give them to charity, said the lady on the line.

15:23

What do you mean you'll give the clothes away, said

15:25

Dave. Don't give me

15:27

lips, said the laundry lady, you have till

15:29

noon. I've

15:32

lost my ticket, said Dave Meekly. The

15:35

laundry lady said, you've got till noon. Dave

15:39

reached for his day timer. He

15:41

frowned. His morning was filling

15:43

up. Dave

15:48

was at the kitchen table again after supper that

15:50

night. He was wrapping up pieces of wedding cake

15:55

in doilies. He

15:58

was trying to tie each piece with silver. ribbon

16:00

and he wasn't having an easy time with the

16:03

bows. I keep squishing

16:05

the cake, he said to Morley as she poured

16:07

herself a cup of coffee. The

16:10

next time Morley wandered into the kitchen he was holding

16:12

a piece of cake and a doily and a stapler.

16:22

And she just turned around and walked right back out

16:24

again. That

16:28

was the night the cell phone rang at 1130. Morley

16:32

in bed beside Dave, Morley already half

16:34

asleep, Dave sitting on the edge of

16:36

the bed using a spoon to

16:38

eat a bowl of crushed wedding cake. The

16:42

phone rang at 1130 and it was a

16:44

woman's voice on it. Dave

16:47

couldn't seem to make her understand that he didn't

16:49

know Charlie. She kept saying,

16:51

I don't understand why he hasn't called me. He's

16:54

been really busy, said Dave. I'm

16:57

sure he'll call soon. He

17:00

sounds like a scoundrel, said Morley. Oh,

17:03

come off it, said Dave. He's just busy. In

17:07

point of fact, Charlie was anything but busy.

17:09

In point of fact, at that very moment at 1130 that

17:12

night, Charlie was sitting in a cafe not

17:14

far as the crow flies from Dave's house.

17:17

It was Charlie's third day without

17:19

a phone and he

17:21

was enjoying the first real vacation he had taken

17:23

in two and a half years. When

17:28

he lost his phone, he had decided it was an

17:30

act of God. It was

17:33

mental health time. He

17:35

knew it couldn't last. He knew Estelle must be

17:37

climbing the walls. He knew

17:39

he'd have to pick up the phone soon,

17:41

maybe in the morning, but for the night

17:43

he wasn't going to think about Estelle or

17:45

gallery owners or flower arrangements or anyone else.

17:48

He showed up at the vinyl cafe just before

17:50

lunch. Dave knew it

17:52

was him the moment he walked through the front door. We

17:56

didn't look the way Dave had imagined at all.

17:58

He seemed too young. young. He

18:01

didn't look responsible enough for the commitments he

18:03

had waiting for him. You're

18:08

too young, said Dave, when he walked up to

18:10

the counter. What? said

18:12

Charles. Then he said,

18:14

I think I left a cell phone here. The

18:17

phone was lying on the counter. Dave glanced over at it,

18:20

and they both reached for it at the same time, both

18:22

of them landing on the phone at the same

18:24

instant. It's mine, said

18:26

Charles. No, said

18:29

Dave, pulling at the phone. It's mine, said Charles,

18:31

and they were tugging at the phone like a

18:33

pair of two-year-olds. Mine,

18:35

said Dave. The

18:37

wedding was less than a week away. There was

18:39

so much to do. A cell needed him. Suddenly

18:47

Charles let the phone go, and Dave's hand flew

18:49

back with the phone in it. Charles

18:52

took a step back and crossed his arms. Give

18:54

me my phone, he said firmly, the

18:57

way he might have spoken to a child. Dave

19:00

handed over the phone, and

19:02

then he got out the leather binder, and he

19:04

told Charles the lay of the land. As

19:07

he did, Charles kept looking at him as if he were

19:09

trying to steal his business. He

19:12

didn't even say thank you as he left. The

19:16

store felt empty without the phone. Dave

19:19

sat behind the counter, looking around. He stood in

19:21

front of his desk. He stared at the

19:23

pile of messages he felt lost. He

19:26

wanted to phone a cell, but he didn't have her number.

19:30

He wondered how he used to fill his days. He

19:34

walked to the back of the store and stared at

19:36

a bin of records, and he began to sort through

19:38

them half-heartedly. Five minutes later he

19:40

thought he heard the cell phone ring, and he dropped the

19:42

records and ran to the counter, but the phone wasn't ringing.

19:45

He was like an amputee. It was a phantom

19:47

ring. He

19:52

felt bereft. He walked

19:55

down the street, Dorothy took one look at him

19:57

and said, Hello, stranger. There

19:59

were dark circles in the room. under his eyes,

20:01

you look exhausted. Dave

20:03

fell into the sofa in the middle of her store

20:05

long story, he said. He looked

20:07

down at his hand and frowned. He'd been biting

20:10

his fingernails. He hadn't done that for years. Two

20:13

days later, Charles was waiting at the final

20:16

cafe when Dave arrived for work. Listen,

20:20

he said, I don't think I thanked you for

20:22

what you did while I was away. That's

20:25

okay, said Dave as he unlocked the store. Charles

20:28

followed him in. You

20:31

come for your laundry, asked Dave. It's in the back.

20:37

No, said Charles. I forgot about

20:39

the laundry. I need to ask you

20:41

a favor. What's that?

20:43

Said Dave as he rolled up the blind

20:46

on the front door and lugged out the

20:48

stuffed gorilla onto the sidewalk. The

20:51

mother of the bride, said Charles, grabbing

20:53

the gorilla's head, helping out. Estelle,

20:55

said Dave. She

20:58

says you promised mauve candles. I can't find mauve

21:02

candles. Honest to God, I've looked

21:04

everywhere. She doesn't believe me. Would you talk

21:06

to her for me? She keeps asking for

21:08

you. She's making me crazy. Dave said I

21:10

can get

21:16

the candles for you, but not

21:18

for an hour. I have something to do. I

21:20

have a tape I have to listen to. At

21:23

night as he was closing the store, the phone

21:25

by the cash register started ringing. It hadn't rung

21:28

for two days. Dave

21:30

almost didn't answer it. He scooped it

21:32

up on the third ring. It

21:34

was morally, and she was

21:36

agitated. There's a guy here

21:38

with a truck and 250 balloons, she said.

21:42

What, said Dave. I said

21:44

there are balloons everywhere. Balloons,

21:48

said Dave. The

21:50

balloons were for the Buffalo Gallery. He heard a

21:52

small explosion in the

21:55

background. Sam's collecting

21:57

them, said Morley. Tell

22:00

him to enjoy himself, said Dave. I'll

22:03

be home for supper. I have a tape I want you to

22:05

hear. Thank you very much. applause

22:24

That was Dave and

22:27

the Cellphone. We're going

22:29

to take a short break now, but we'll be

22:31

back in a couple of minutes with another story.

22:33

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month. That's BetterHelp,

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h-e-l-p.com. Welcome

24:24

back. Time for our second

24:26

story now. This is Dave

24:28

Goes Babysitting. Saturday

24:32

afternoon last week, Dave

24:34

tripped around town doing the usual

24:36

family errands in an unusually chipper

24:39

frame of mind. Feeling

24:41

so darn good about things that he actually caught

24:43

himself whistling on the way out of the dry

24:45

cleaners. Happiness,

24:48

as anyone who has known unhappiness can

24:50

tell you, is not a condition of

24:52

clean clothes or of any

24:55

circumstance for that matter. Happiness

24:57

is a condition of the mind, or

25:00

more specifically, the imagination. Saturday

25:03

afternoon as he moved around the city

25:05

dropping off laundry and picking up groceries,

25:07

Dave's imagination was full steam ahead. The

25:11

American newspaper man, H.L. Mankin once said,

25:13

the only truly happy people in this

25:15

sad world are married

25:17

women and single men. But

25:22

H.L. Mankin's dead. What

25:24

does he know? As if to

25:26

prove Mankin's point, however, Dave was in

25:29

fact going to be single that Saturday

25:31

night. Morley was going

25:33

out with friends. Sam

25:35

had been asked to a sleepover at his pal

25:37

Ben's house. And Stephanie

25:39

was babysitting for the maddens. But

25:42

it wasn't just the possibility of this

25:44

evening of solitude that had Dave whistling

25:47

as he glided around town. When

25:49

he whistled his way out of the dry cleaners,

25:52

Dave wasn't thinking about solitude at all. He

25:55

was imagining in exquisite detail

25:57

the things that he was going to

25:59

do. while he was home alone. He

26:02

had a plan for something so

26:04

wonderfully self-indulgent that he couldn't stop

26:06

himself from whistling. Whenever

26:09

he wanted gone their separate ways, and

26:11

Dave was all by himself, he

26:13

was going to carry the small portable television set

26:15

down from his bedroom, and he was going to

26:17

balance it on top of the television set in

26:20

the living room. And

26:22

then, when he had the two televisions

26:24

carefully stacked, his tower a TV, Dave

26:28

was planning to watch Hockey Night in Canada

26:30

on the small set, and

26:32

a couple of his all-time favourite movies on

26:34

the other. Simultaneously.

26:39

The movies were already sitting on the back seat of

26:41

his car, beside the family-sized

26:44

pack of Doritos, the six-pack of

26:46

cream soda, and the

26:48

Jarajalapeno peppers. The

26:51

Dirty Dozen, starring Lee Marvin. Beside

26:54

that, true grit. John

26:57

Wayne's Academy Award-winning role as

26:59

Rooster Cogburn, the

27:01

crotchety, straight-shooting, one-eyed US

27:03

Marshal. All

27:05

Dave needed was a jar of salsa and some of

27:08

that runny blue cheese from France to

27:10

make this a night he would

27:12

never forget. By

27:15

the time Dave got home that Saturday afternoon,

27:17

Sam had already left for his sleepover. Morley

27:21

and Stephanie, however, were in the

27:23

kitchen, talking. And Dave was

27:25

so wrapped up with his plans that it took

27:27

him a few minutes to realise that something was

27:29

wrong. Stephanie was sitting at

27:31

the table holding her head in her hands,

27:34

and when she looked up at her father, her

27:36

eyes were watery and red, her

27:39

face was pale. What's the matter,

27:41

said Dave, looking first at his daughter and then at his

27:43

wife? We have an

27:45

unhappy little girl, said Morley. I

27:48

just threw up, said Stephanie. I

27:50

have a fever. No,

27:52

said Dave. He

27:56

met it with his heart and soul. I'm

27:59

supposed to bathe it. Maybe sit at the Madden," said

28:01

Stephanie. Yes, said Dave, I

28:03

know. I guess you're not going. This

28:07

was part question, part

28:09

statement. Stephanie

28:11

shook her head. And

28:13

then Dave said eight fateful words. Who

28:16

did you find to take your place? Exactly.

28:29

It was 6.15 on the nose

28:31

when Dave pushed the Madden's doorbell. This

28:35

is very kind, said Jim Madden. We

28:38

tried everyone. And then Jim

28:40

frowned and he pointed at the portable television

28:42

set that was resting on the stoop beside

28:44

Dave. We have a TV, said Jim, as

28:48

Dave picked the portable up and walked in.

28:51

Then he glanced at his watch. I'm sorry, he said.

28:53

We're running a bit late. Jim

28:56

and Rhonda Madden have three children, Jade,

29:00

age seven, Kenneth,

29:03

who is three, and the baby,

29:06

Warren, four months. Rhonda

29:13

Madden appeared in a flurry of high heels

29:15

and a waft of perfume. Kenneth,

29:18

the three-year-old, trailing her in his pajamas

29:20

like a pull toy. Warren's

29:23

in his crib, but he needs to be

29:25

fed, she said. As Jim helped her struggle

29:27

into her coat, Jade knows the routine. Jade

29:29

will fill you in. Rhonda Madden

29:31

was peering into the hall, mirror playing with her

29:33

hair as she talked. You'll have to

29:36

go easy with Jade. She's a little upset because

29:38

you're here. She

29:41

was expecting Stephanie. Stephanie is her

29:43

favorite. She likes Stephanie better than

29:45

anyone, but she'll settle down and

29:47

she knows where everything is. Dave

29:50

stood at the front door and he watched

29:52

Jim and Rhonda bustle into their black sob.

29:55

Have a good time, he said. We'll be fine, but

29:58

they didn't hair. and they

30:00

didn't wave back. Dave

30:03

turned and he shut the door. The

30:05

silence of the house overwhelmed him. Dave

30:08

looked at the knapsack leaning against the

30:10

small television. It held his babysitting supplies.

30:14

The two movies, his cream

30:16

soda, the French cheese, the

30:19

jalapeno peppers and the Doritos. And

30:22

he looked at his watch. It was 6.30. If

30:25

he could get everyone in bed by 9, the

30:28

night wouldn't be a complete loss. He

30:31

took a tentative step toward the living

30:33

room and then his shoulders sagged and

30:35

he turned for one last look out

30:37

the window. He saw

30:39

the maddens red taillights disappearing down the

30:41

street carrying his grand

30:43

plans with them. Dave

30:46

was about to turn away when something caught

30:48

his attention and he leaned against

30:50

the glass and he squinted. Something

30:53

was following the car. It

30:56

was a small thing. This

30:59

thing that was running after the car, a small

31:01

thing in pajamas. Running

31:04

with its arms outstretched in front of it.

31:06

Kenneth said, Dave? Kenneth,

31:08

he screamed. Dave was halfway down

31:11

the walk before he turned and he raced back

31:13

to the house. I'll be right back.

31:16

He yelled into the silence. And

31:18

then he slammed the front door and he bounded

31:20

down the street. He

31:23

caught up to Kenneth at the end of the

31:25

block. Kenneth standing beside

31:27

a stop sign pointing at the red

31:29

taillights of his parents' cars it vanished

31:31

around a corner. Mommy! He

31:35

said as Dave picked him up. Mommy! It

31:39

was only when Dave got back to the maddens

31:42

and walked up to the front door

31:44

with Kenneth slung over his shoulder, kicking

31:46

and still screaming for his mother. It

31:49

was only when Dave reached the door and

31:51

pulled on the faux antique door handle that

31:54

he realized that in his rush to retrieve

31:56

the boy, he had

31:58

locked himself out. Mommy!

32:01

howled Kenneth. Dave rang

32:03

the doorbell and waited. I want my mommy!

32:07

screamed Kenneth. Dave jabbed

32:09

at the doorbell again impatiently once,

32:11

twice, and again and again, and

32:13

then he leaned on the doorbell but still no

32:15

one came. He

32:17

put Kenneth down on the stoop and

32:20

he walked across the front lawn with

32:22

the moths of anxiety stirring in his

32:24

stomach. He peered through the

32:26

living room window. He couldn't

32:28

see a soul and

32:30

when he turned around there was

32:32

Kenneth rocketing down the street again. His

32:36

determined little feet pounding along the

32:38

sidewalk. Dave didn't

32:40

catch him until they were halfway to the stop sign.

32:44

When they got back to the stoop, Dave got

32:46

down on his hands and his knees and he

32:48

peered through the mail slot holding Kenneth to his

32:50

body like a marsupial. He

32:54

could see right across the front hall. He

32:57

could see all the way to the staircase and

33:00

sitting there on the third stair he

33:02

could see seven-year-old Jade Madden glaring back

33:05

at him. Jade

33:07

who liked Stephanie better than anyone.

33:10

She had Dave's opened knapsack beside

33:12

her. She

33:15

was eating his Doritos. Jade

33:19

said Dave through the mailbox open

33:21

the door please. No.

33:26

Mommy screamed Kenneth. Jade

33:29

said Dave. Mommy said Kenneth.

33:31

No said Jade shut up said Dave.

33:36

It was the neighbors who

33:39

first heard and then spotted the stranger,

33:41

Dave, holding the

33:43

screaming baby Kenneth while

33:46

he tried to Jimmy open the Madden's patio

33:48

door with a tire iron. It

33:52

was the neighbors who called the police and

33:57

it was the police who eventually convinced Jade to

33:59

open. open the front door. Are

34:02

you going to be okay? Ask the sergeant. There

34:04

are three of them, after all. Maybe

34:09

I should call for backup? Har,

34:13

har, har, said Dave. As

34:17

he stood on the stoop and he watched the cops

34:19

drive away, the cops didn't

34:21

wave back either. Well,

34:24

said Dave to Jade, I

34:27

was hoping that we could be friends. Jade

34:29

sniffed and walked into the family room

34:32

and snapped on the television without a

34:34

word. Kenneth struggled onto

34:36

the couch and sat beside her. And

34:39

that is when Warren started to whimper. Four-month-old

34:42

Warren. Dave had

34:45

forgotten about Warren. Warren,

34:48

he said. Warren, he

34:50

said, as he bounded upstairs and

34:52

found Warren's bedroom. When he

34:54

opened the door, Warren was standing in his crib

34:56

holding onto the rails. Dave

34:59

walked in and smiled. Hi,

35:01

he said. My name's Dave.

35:03

I'm the babysitter. Warren

35:06

let go of the rails, dropped down

35:08

onto his mattress like a stone and started

35:10

to scream. I'm

35:13

sorry, said Dave, but Stephanie couldn't make it.

35:17

She's your favorite, right? Getting

35:21

an angry baby out of a dirty diaper

35:23

may be one of the cruelest jobs in

35:25

the world. Dave

35:28

looked like a mud wrestler by the time he had

35:30

Warren cleaned up. Standing

35:36

with one hand on the squirming baby's

35:38

chest, Dave looked desperately around the room

35:40

for clean diapers. Couldn't see

35:42

them anywhere. He put Warren

35:45

back in the crib and he ran downstairs. Jade, he

35:47

said, where does your mommy keep the clean diapers? Jade

35:50

didn't even flinch. Her

35:52

determined little eyes never strayed from

35:54

the television. It was as if

35:56

Dave didn't exist. Dave

35:59

ran back upstairs. and he lifted Warren out of

36:01

the crib. They were halfway

36:03

across the room when Warren started to pee.

36:08

And I'm not talking about polite little

36:10

tinkles. I'm

36:12

talking about a geyser of urine squirting around

36:14

the room like water from a loose fire

36:17

hose. Dave

36:21

did the only thing he could think of

36:23

doing under the circumstances. He

36:26

grabbed the fire hose and clamped the

36:28

nozzle shut. Warren

36:40

looked at him in stunned wonder as they

36:43

ran for the bathroom. A

36:47

half hour later, Dave had cleaned himself up

36:50

and he had changed his messy clothes for

36:53

one of Jim Madden's shirts and

36:55

a pair of Jim Madden's pants. A

36:57

half an hour later, Warren was still crying

37:00

and Dave was rummaging through the kitchen looking

37:02

for baby formula. He was getting

37:04

desperate. Dave didn't need

37:06

Dr. Spock to tell him that

37:08

four-month-old Warren was starving. Dave

37:10

didn't need Dr. Spock to tell him

37:12

three-year-old Kenneth, who was trashing the living room,

37:15

was wound up tighter than a seven-day clock.

37:18

Dave didn't need Dr. Spock to tell him

37:20

Kenneth was up past his bad time. It's

37:23

your bedtime, said Dave. No,

37:25

it's not, said Kenneth. Kenneth

37:28

didn't know much, but he

37:30

knew enough to know Dave didn't know much either.

37:36

For Dave, it was a matter, as

37:38

they say at the management seminars, of

37:41

setting priorities, a

37:43

matter of first things first. Kenneth

37:46

wasn't the first thing. Warren

37:48

was the first thing. Dave

37:50

had to get some food into Warren and get

37:52

Warren to bed before he could work on Kenneth.

37:55

Or more to the point, he had to

37:57

stop Warren crying before Warren drove him crazy.

38:01

But he couldn't find baby

38:03

formula anywhere. He

38:06

did, however, find a

38:08

bottle of golden corn syrup. Dave

38:11

remembered his grandmother feeding his younger

38:14

sister Annie corn syrup off a

38:16

spoon. He shrugged.

38:19

He opened the bottle of corn syrup and he

38:21

squeezed some onto a spoon. Warren

38:24

wasn't interested in the spoon of corn

38:26

syrup. Desperate

38:28

times call for desperate measures. In

38:31

desperation, Dave dipped his finger into

38:33

the sticky sap and he

38:35

stuck his finger into Warren's mouth. Warren's

38:39

eyes bulged. He

38:42

stopped crying and he began to suck

38:44

on Dave's finger with frightening strength. When

38:47

he finished, he plucked Dave's

38:49

finger out of his mouth with his little hands,

38:52

and he stared at it and he

38:54

said, more. Dave

39:03

squeezed more syrup onto his finger and

39:05

he rammed it back into Warren's mouth.

39:08

There was a baby bottle and some nipples on

39:10

the counter. Dave considered putting

39:13

a nipple on the bottle of syrup and

39:15

just plugging Warren in. When

39:21

Kenneth saw what was going on, he said, can I have some

39:23

of that? And

39:25

Dave said, sure. And he got out a

39:27

bowl and he poured about a half a

39:29

cup of corn syrup into the bowl and

39:31

he gave Kenneth a spoon and he said,

39:33

be my guest. Kenneth

39:36

carried the bowl earnestly over to the kitchen

39:38

table as if he was about to take

39:40

his first communion. This

39:43

is good, he said, can I

39:45

have more? And it was during

39:47

this unexpected moment of harmony that

39:50

Dave decided it wouldn't hurt if he

39:52

couldn't find formula to give Warren a

39:54

bit of warm milk. Now

39:56

we knew the baby mightn't take milk right away, but

39:59

he'd seen the baby. some chocolate syrup in the cupboard.

40:02

And Dave figured if he flavored the milk with a

40:04

bit of chocolate and a bit of the corn syrup,

40:06

maybe Warren would take it. Actually,

40:09

he was thinking maybe he could be Warren's

40:11

favorite. At first,

40:14

all he could see in the fridge were cartons

40:16

of soy milk. Unfortunately,

40:18

he kept looking and finally he uncovered a

40:20

jug of milk behind a bottle of ketchup.

40:24

How was Dave supposed to know

40:26

the Madden's kids were all lactose

40:28

intolerant? On

40:32

its own, the milk probably wouldn't have made Warren

40:35

sick. On its own, the

40:37

milk might have given Warren gas, maybe

40:39

diarrhea, and not

40:41

until well after Dave had left the scene of

40:43

the crime. But

40:46

when Warren finished his bottle of milk, and

40:49

I tell you no baby in history

40:51

has inhaled a bottle of milk with

40:53

a gusto, Warren sucked down the chocolate-flavored

40:55

syrup-laced milk that Dave prepared. And

40:59

when he finished, Warren

41:01

sighed and farted, and

41:06

a look of great joy settled on his

41:08

little face. And Dave

41:10

held him up over his head and shook him back

41:12

and forth and

41:15

said, well done, Warren. And

41:18

then he threw Warren in the air, and

41:21

he caught him and Warren giggled. So

41:24

Dave threw him higher and Warren giggled again.

41:26

And because this was

41:28

the first joy Dave had elicited out of

41:30

any of these miserable children, he

41:33

began to dance around the kitchen holding Warren over

41:35

his head and shaking him up like a para

41:37

maracas, which

41:42

Warren seemed to enjoy at first. And

41:46

then a peculiar expression settled on Warren's

41:49

face, an

41:51

expression that seemed to say he was

41:53

experiencing a sensation he had never experienced

41:55

in his little life. Dave had heard

41:57

about Warren's face and his little face. And he was very happy with it.

42:00

projectile vomiting, but

42:04

he'd never witnessed it before. And

42:07

when he noticed how pale Warren had turned,

42:09

Dave frowned and he said, Warren bringing him down

42:11

in front of his face. Warren

42:21

burped. His

42:23

breath had the sour smell of milk that had

42:26

been left in the sun and

42:28

Dave held him at arm's length, but

42:30

still in front of his face. And

42:34

then a sound began to roll out of

42:36

Warren's little body. A

42:38

sound Dave associated with things like

42:40

werewolves and mummies. And

42:44

then Warren opened his mouth and

42:47

a ball of vomit flew out of him right

42:51

toward Dave's face. Dave

42:54

ducked. The

42:56

ball of vomit flew over his shoulder. Jade

43:00

came into the kitchen. Dave

43:05

said, duck. Jade

43:08

said, why? The vomit hit

43:10

her in the chest. Dave

43:13

said, because it

43:16

hit her like a bowl of pea soup. It was

43:18

the most disgusting thing Dave had ever seen in his

43:20

life. The

43:22

rest of the night was more or less a blur. After

43:26

they got Jade cleaned up and into her

43:28

pajamas, Dave phoned home and talked to Stephanie.

43:31

Just as long as you don't let Kenneth

43:33

eat anything sweet, she said. Or

43:37

he'll be up all night. Don't

43:40

worry, said Dave. I'm not

43:42

that stupid. The

43:46

maddens didn't come home until after midnight.

43:49

They let themselves in the front door quietly and

43:51

they stood in the front hall for a

43:53

moment. Listening. The house was

43:56

dark. They could see the

43:58

glow from the television flickering against the

44:00

kitchen wall. They heard

44:02

a gunshot and then another

44:04

and then John Wayne's distinctive

44:06

drawl echoed through their house.

44:08

Rhonda Madden looked at her husband and

44:11

arched her eyebrows. They

44:13

reached the family room together. Nothing,

44:17

nothing in God's creation could have prepared them

44:19

for what they found there. Dave

44:23

was asleep on the floor. His

44:26

head tilted back so far and at such

44:28

an odd angle that at first glance Rhonda

44:30

Madden thought he was dead. Is

44:33

he okay? She started to say but

44:35

before the words were out of her

44:37

mouth Dave snorted. It

44:40

was a strangled snoring sort of snort

44:43

and Rhonda realized her babysitter

44:46

was asleep, not dead, though

44:48

he was clearly dead asleep. She

44:52

had taken in the whole sorry tableau by

44:54

now. The two televisions stacked one on top

44:56

of the other. John Wayne

44:59

holstering his gun on one. A

45:01

heavy metal band leering grotesquely into her

45:03

living room on the other and

45:06

her children. Her

45:08

three precious children. Her

45:10

children who had never watched anything except

45:12

Barney, Teletubbies and the magic school bus.

45:15

Staring slack jawed back at the televisions

45:18

as if they'd been hypnotized. Warren,

45:27

the baby was sitting on Dave's chest.

45:30

His three-year-old brother Kenneth sprawled on the

45:32

floor beside them. Jade was across the

45:34

room sitting in a leather chair. The

45:38

three of them watching that television so intensely

45:40

that none of them noticed their mother and

45:42

father standing in the doorway. Kenneth

45:45

was eating something out of a bowl. It

45:50

looked like cereal. Jim

45:52

and Rhonda watched and wondered as Kenneth

45:54

filled up his spoon and

45:56

without taking his eyes off the television held

45:59

it up over his head for his baby

46:01

brother. Warren,

46:03

who had never had solid food in his

46:05

life, leaned precariously

46:07

forward and smacked at the

46:09

spoon greedily. As

46:12

she watched, dumbstruck,

46:14

Rhonda noticed Jade was holding Warren's

46:17

bottle loosely in her hands. It

46:19

was full of a thick, golden liquid.

46:23

And that's when Dave farted. In

46:31

his sleep, he farted

46:34

and he began to roll over and

46:36

Warren tottered precariously on his belly. Before

46:39

he toppled off, Kenneth put down his bowl

46:41

and he held his hand up. He

46:44

did this without taking his eyes off the

46:46

television. He reached over his head and he

46:49

held on to his brother until Dave had

46:51

settled. He did this instinctively. Clearly,

46:53

he had done this many

46:56

times before. Rhonda stepped forward

46:58

and picked up the bowl

47:00

of brown mush that Kenneth

47:02

had been feeding Warren and

47:04

she sniffed it. It

47:06

looked like cereal, but it

47:09

smelled like soy milk and Doritos. And

47:15

that's when Jim Madden recognized his

47:17

pants and shirt. He's

47:23

wearing my clothes, he said out loud. Those

47:26

are my pants. That's my shirt. Rhonda

47:29

Madden began to weep. When

47:33

he got home that night, Dave

47:36

told Stephanie everything that had happened,

47:39

all the humiliating details, including

47:42

the most humiliating one of all. The

47:44

moment when Dave woke up to find Jim

47:47

Madden kneeling beside him. The

47:49

moment when Jim asked him, how much do I

47:51

owe you? It

48:00

will be two and a half months before

48:02

the Maddens will call Stephanie to babysit again.

48:06

When she finally gets the call and arrives

48:08

at their house, Warren will already be asleep.

48:11

Kenneth will be standing by the door beside

48:13

his mother as usual. Stephanie

48:16

will find Jade in the family room

48:18

watching television. And when she

48:20

sees Stephanie, Jade will frown and

48:22

cross her legs and sigh. You'll

48:25

have to be patient with her, Rhonda Madden will

48:27

say. She's been asking for

48:29

your father. She

48:33

thinks he's the best babysitter she's ever had.

48:35

Thank you very much. That

48:52

was a story we called Dave Goes

48:54

Babysitting. Some of

48:56

you may also know it by the name

48:59

A Night to Remember, and

49:01

it certainly was that. To

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everyone else, this is a desk. But to

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50:28

All

50:33

right, that's it for this episode, but

50:35

we'll be back here next week with

50:37

two more David Morley stories, including this

50:40

one. He

50:42

had three glorious days of solitude ahead

50:45

of him. Wondered

50:47

if he should go over to the lowbeers and

50:49

check on their cat. Lowbeers

50:52

were away too. He had their

50:54

keys. He was feeding the cat for

50:56

the weekend. Now

50:58

that he thought of it, he wasn't sure

51:00

where he had put their keys, whether

51:03

he had them with him, that is, or whether he

51:05

had left them at home. And that

51:07

is why he dug them out of his pocket.

51:10

And that is how he came to be holding

51:12

the lowbeers keys as he stood there on the

51:15

corner down the street from Kenny's cafe. Why

51:19

he dropped them? Who

51:21

knows? These sort of

51:23

things happen. That's

51:25

the part about the world being cursed. Or

51:29

Dave's world anyway. He

51:31

pulled the keys out of his pocket and he

51:33

was standing there considering whether he should feed the

51:35

cat now or later when the

51:38

keys slipped out of his hand

51:40

and fell towards the ground in

51:42

that slow motion sort of way

51:44

that disasters favor. They

51:47

hit the sidewalk and bounced into the

51:49

gutter. Now

51:52

later, Dave would say you could line

51:54

up 1,000 people and have them drop 1,000

51:56

sets of keys and

51:58

nothing more would have happened. And he's

52:01

probably right. Probably

52:03

if you dropped 1,000 other sets of

52:06

keys, not one other set would bounce

52:08

into the gutter like his and if

52:10

they did, would have lain there on

52:13

top of the sewer gray. His

52:16

didn't. His

52:19

landed on the sewer, balanced

52:21

there for a moment, like

52:23

a golf ball balancing on the lip of a

52:25

golf hole, and then they

52:28

slowly, unbelievably,

52:31

and maybe even deliberately, disappeared.

52:37

Vanished. Dave

52:39

stared at where they had been in

52:41

disbelief, at where they had been and

52:43

weren't anymore. Seriously,

52:45

he said. And

52:48

he got down on his hands and his knees and

52:50

he peered into the sewer. Nothing

52:53

but darkness down there. He

52:56

pulled at the sewer great. It

52:59

didn't budge. If

53:01

he hadn't been so close to his record store, that

53:03

probably would have been the end of this. Would

53:06

have tried to pull the sewer great free and he

53:08

would have failed and that would have been that. Unfortunately,

53:12

he was able to walk back to

53:14

his store in no time flat. Unfortunately,

53:17

in no time flat, he was back

53:19

at the sewer with a flashlight and

53:21

a crowbar. Unfortunately,

53:25

five minutes after he had dropped the

53:27

low beer's key down the sewer, he

53:29

had, with the help of the crowbar,

53:32

jimmied the sewer cover off and was

53:34

climbing down the cold steel rungs set

53:36

into the vertical concrete wall. That's

53:40

next week on the podcast. I hope

53:42

you'll join us. Backstage

53:46

at the vinyl cafe is part

53:48

of the apostrophe podcast network. The

53:51

recording engineer is someone who would never

53:53

fall asleep on the job. Right

53:55

Greg? Theme

53:58

music is by Danny Michelle. The

54:00

show is produced by Louise Curtis,

54:02

Greg DeClute, and me, Jess

54:04

Milton. Let's meet again next

54:06

week. Until then, so

54:09

long for now.